17 Healthy Sexual Boundaries
So like, if you’re with someone new and you want to be intimate with them, sometimes the fastest path to that is by slowing down initially, because then it creates this sense of safety. You know, when you respect boundaries when you communicate boundaries, when you are honoring and trying to understand that other person’s experience and helping them know like, hey, however you show up in this situation is okay. Then they might be like, Oh, well, let’s go. This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy, in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, hello, and welcome to episode 17. We’re gonna get into healthy sexual boundaries. And I’m just like, feeling a little like excited about life and podcasting. excited to talk to you guys. Today, I want to do a shout out to my podcast manager and audio editor Eloisa, she just did an audit for me. And you guys, the show is growing. It’s so exciting. So thank you for sharing it, you know, and it’s been great to see more of you guys joining the Facebook group, the link to that in the show notes. It’s free, if you want to come join it. But yeah, I’m just excited for the community to grow. It’s one of those things where it’s like, you put yourself out there and you’re like, Oh, it’s a little vulnerable. Like when the podcast launched, I was like, Oh, my God, this is my baby, like, Are people gonna think it’s ugly? Well, they think it’s cute. And so people think my podcast, baby is cute, and I feel feel very happy about it. So thank you all. And that actually brings us to a new, tiny little segment we’re going to do with the beginning of each show, we’re going to feature a review of the week. So the review of the week for this week, says great new show, Heather is fun and informative, can’t wait to hear what she has to say next and bring it to the bedroom. And I love this because if you guys listen to my trailer, my goal is to make it fun and approachable. Right sex is one of those, you know, quote unquote, taboo topics that, you know, we’re not supposed to talk about it, we’re not supposed to, like say certain words with like too much confidence or, you know, too loudly, or we shouldn’t say them in front of certain people, or it’s all this kind of sketchy, bad thing that just, you know, happens to be the reason we all exist. Anyways, I’m so glad that that’s coming through that people aren’t feeling like it’s fun and approachable. And then the last part, breathe to the bedroom. I want this to be practical. And I also had just a in person conversation with someone else who listens to the show. And he was saying, Yeah, let’s kind of have some practical tips of how we can, you know, put some of this into use. So I’m going to start incorporating that too. But anyways, the reviews are really important because it helps the podcast to get in front of more people. And my whole mission in doing this is to spread this sex positive message. So really appreciate that if you’re on Apple podcasts, all you do is go to the Show page, you might have to go to the menu to go to the Show page, scroll down, tap the five stars, scroll down a tiny bit more, leave a couple sentences and that’s it shouldn’t take you more than a minute. If you’re interested in doing that. It does help spread the word about these messages of like sex positivity and like being okay with yourself as a sexual being and knowing how to navigate sex and knowing how to have these conversations. So if that is something that you’re about the reviews are super appreciated, and they’re so appreciated that if you hear your review, featured, get in touch with me, you can email me at hello at Heather shannon.co You can DM me on instagram if you’re in the Facebook group, you can DM me on Facebook. And we’re actually going to give you a book bundle of some of my favorite sex books. So I have an Amazon storefront I’ll put that in the show notes too. And you can just pick you know your top three favorite books from that list and we will send them to you in the mail as a thank you for taking the time to leave the review. So without further ado, my friends, we’re gonna get into the sexual boundaries thing. And boundaries has come up quite a bit. My friend Jacqueline shout out to Jacqueline to I just feel like doing all the shout outs today. I think I just am feeling so grateful and connected to you guys as a community and really like we’re in this together. But my friend Jacqueline went viral making some boundary videos. And then I also asked in my Facebook group for the podcast, you know, what other types of topics would you guys like? And somebody mentioned sexual boundaries there. And it’s definitely something that I work with my clients on. So let’s get into it. I’m gonna start by being a little vulnerable. Demonstrating vulnerability and sharing a personal story. So I’m someone who’s dated a decent amount. And sometimes the guys that I’m dating are pretty respectful. And sometimes they’re not as respectful. And so I think having had some of those experiences where it feels like someone’s being sexually pushy. And you know, I addressed some of this in the consent episode as well, or someone’s kind of pestering or someone keeps trying something that I said no to. And it’s like, we’re not being, you know, physically like forcing something. But it’s like, at some point, it just stops being fun, right? It’s like this is no longer, you know, sexy or romantic or hot or any of that. It’s just kind of like, okay, and you’ve now killed the mood. And I’m done. At least for me, that’s my personal experience. And so I realized, also what happens is, we can get our heads right, and there can kind of be this guarded feeling because if you’ve, you know, had an experience with someone trying to push things sexually and you’re not really ready for it or not really wanting it in that moment, for whatever reason, you can have this guardedness and so I realized that I was on a second date with someone who wound up being my boyfriend. And I just decided to say, hey, can we just kind of draw the line here tonight so that I can just kind of be relaxed and fully present with you and like fully enjoying it, and not kind of have my guard up wondering if you’re gonna, like try to push something further. And he was like, oh, okay, yeah, we can totally do that. And I think that does a couple things. Like, it shows that, you know, I care about myself, kind of demonstrates high self worth in that way. So it made me feel good about myself. It’s like, hey, you know what I’m showing up for myself. This is maybe slightly uncomfortable to say, but I’m gonna say it anyways. Because my well being my presence, my relaxation matters mean. So it sends you that message to yourself. So that’s maybe even the most important reason to be able to set some boundaries. The second thing it did was to help me see how does this guy that I’m really just getting to know how does he handle it? Can he take a boundary? Can he take a no well, is his ego strong enough that he’s not going to go have like a hissy fit, or start pouting or get all defensive or, you know, yell at me or anything like that. And so he did have a great reaction to it. And then it also can create a sense of safety. And I think this is something that not everyone realizes. So like, if you’re with someone new and you want to be intimate with them, sometimes the fastest path to that is by slowing down initially, because then it creates this sense of safety. You know, when you respect boundaries, when you communicate boundaries, when you are honoring and trying to understand that other person’s experience, and helping them know, like, hey, however you show up in this situation is okay, then they might be like, Oh, well, let’s go. So sometimes that happens, right? And don’t be cool, because you have an ulterior motive. Just be cool, right? But it’ll wind up working out to your benefit. Okay, so couple topics I want to get into with the boundaries. First one is using sex for validation, or having sex early on, so that it’s kind of not an issue, and you almost just get it out of the way, or the other person. And the first one, using sex for validation, I think is really interesting, because I surveyed my Instagram on this 80% of people say that they have used sex for validation. Like, wow, that’s a lot. This is like a main way in which a lot of us are trying to get validated and how attractive we are and how sexy we are, and how desirable we are in like, who doesn’t like to feel wanted. But what I want people to think about is, you know, is this coming from a place of, hey, this is just fun, and like, This feels great? Or is this coming from a needy or place of, because I’m not feeling attractive, I’m not feeling sexy, I’ve got some real shitty self talk going on in my head about, you know, the weight that I need to lose, or how I should be gaining more muscle or how, you know, I should have better moves in the bedroom, or how I didn’t really have a lot of sexual experience before my current partner. And so I feel like, I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t even know like how to learn or how to build that confidence. But if this person wants to have sex with me, then I might be doing something. Okay. Right. And so part of it the shitty self talk, and that’s, you know, something we really need to work on. And then part of it is also, you know, how are we showing up for yourself? How are we taking care of ourselves, because the way we show up in terms of even allowing ourselves, not to know allowing ourselves not to be an expert at sex. I actually think that’s like a superpower might sound weird, but I actually think that’s kind of a superpower when it comes to sex, if you can just accept and be where you’re at and let that be okay. It’s almost like if you know, you’re smart, like in a classroom or something, you’re not as afraid to ask questions, because you know, you’re smart. Whereas if you’re kind of questioning if You’re smart, you might be afraid to ask questions because like, oh, people might know, I don’t know this thing. And they might think I’m dumb. And I kind of think maybe I’m dumb sometimes. So do you see what I’m saying? They’re so like, just assume you’re good enough, it’s x. And then that allows you to be a beginner at certain things, or just say, hey, I want to get better at this, or, Hey, let’s do more of that. And it could be, hey, I kind of want my clitoris touched a different way. Let’s communicate about it. Or, you know, hey, you have never been that into handjobs. But what if we, like, tried to do some things a little bit of a different way? Let’s experiment. Or it could even be, you know, let’s incorporate more foreplay, like, what does it look like to bring in some, you know, massage oils, or even to do you know, some, I’m gonna get into some of this in detail at the end for your homeworks, to do a body scan to just kind of get into our bodies, get out of our heads leave the day behind us before sex. So bringing up some of these ideas is a bit vulnerable. But when we can have that confidence within, and we’re not needing kind of this other person wanting us in the sex for validation, it really frees things up. The second one I wanted to get into, and these are kind of on the side of maybe having more sex than what’s healthy, for you are saying yes, when it’s not truly a clear, yes. So having sex early on, so that it’s not an issue, it doesn’t become an issue doesn’t get made into like a big deal. And you’re almost just getting it out of the way. And so what’s happening here is you’re abandoning yourself, and I’m just going to be like, very honest with you. Like sugarcoating this, you’re abandoning yourself in favor of the other person. So you’re kind of thinking, you know, this other person might feel like I’m being a tease, or this other person might feel like, you know, they’re not getting their sexual needs met. And so then they’re gonna leave me, right, and we’re so afraid of being left or the other person being uncomfortable, and then kind of having to, like, sit there with the other person being uncomfortable, which means as uncomfortable, and so when we’re not as afraid of those emotions, and when we can feel our own feelings, and when we can just be like, so cool with ourselves that like if the other person is kind of like, oh, maybe this isn’t for me, but we’re like, okay, cool, like, then you’re not for me. No, I understand a little bit more difficult if you’re like, married to the person for 20 years, and have, you know, a commitment and whole life together. But I mean, these issues come up, whether you’re single, or in a super long term relationship, we can still be looking to this other person for validation, and we can still be having sex just to get it out of the way. The other issue with having sex to get it out of the way, is we typically get resentful at some point, right? And then that can kind of take our libido, then we’re kind of just, you know, almost like having an aversion to sex at some point. And then our partners kind of like, okay, well, now I just kind of feel rejected, I don’t feel very connected to you. And this is like not, you know, or when we do have sex, you’re like, not really into it at all, because you’re kind of just doing it as a performance or doing it as an obligation. Right. And so it winds up creating a disconnect anyways, is what I see in practice. So what’s the solution, you know, do some inner work. And, you know, I had the recent episode about self love as annoying. So I do want to kind of say, there’s a dual approach to it, you can do the work from the inside out. And you can also do the work from the outside in, and I’m gonna, I have a guest coming up next week, where that’s going to be the main theme of actually doing the work from the outside. And so there’s not a right or wrong way to approach this stuff. Obviously, I think working with a coach or a therapist on this is a great way to go to get a little bit more personalized attention on it. But yeah, just realize how you’re showing up, do some of the thought models, you know, I have another episode on the emotions of Saks where I get into how to deal with this? And what are some tools you can use? So go listen to that one, if you haven’t, but if you have, you know, do some thought work, do some parts work? Right? Notice what’s coming up inside of you, at the same time? Do some work from the outside? And how can you feel confident about your parents from the outside in? How can you show up for yourself in that way, because I do really believe sometimes it takes having an experience to really integrate a new feeling a new way of being a new way of thinking, right? So maybe we go to the gym and we get a compliment or maybe we have you know, we’re stronger than we used to be or more flexible and mobile than we used to be. Or maybe we learn how to communicate better and all of that can increase our confidence so that we’re not using sexual validation and we’re not you know, trying to do the people pleaser thing with someone else at our own expense. So really, what’s happening here is these issues are stemming from kind of a disconnect with your own body so your body might be giving you a know your body might be kind of you know like okay, I’m like kind of turn on but like not all the way turned on or not really turned on at all, but I think this other person would like it like I can just do it fine. Or, you know, we’re just kind of bulldozing like nope, might like the brain is just gonna die. dominate the body. And it’s like, well, I’ve already decided this is just what we’re doing. So body are coming along for the ride. And so it’s really creating this, you know, Rift or disconnect, like within ourselves within the relationship between our mind and body. And that’s a big deal. And I think our culture promotes this idea of, you know, hustling, and consistently, you know, ignoring our body signals, I was talking to a friend recently about how she doesn’t even get bathroom breaks it like regular intervals, because it’s like work, work work. And I really want to help shift that part of the culture to what if we honor body signals? What if we’ve evolved to have emotions, because they’re sending important messages to us, right? So let’s just entertain that idea at least. And here’s where I’m gonna give you some concrete homework. So the ability to tune into your body is so core to all of this that I’m talking about today, to know what an internal yes feels like, and to know what an internal know feels like. So some ways you can practice would be one, do a body scan. And so that’s where you kind of, you know, start at your toes and go up to your head, or vice versa. And you just check in with each part of your body. It’s like, okay, head, how are you feeling? Oh, maybe there’s some tension there good to notice. And you’re not necessarily trying to, you know, immediately let go of the tension, there might be some that are more of a progressive muscle relaxation, that do incorporate that. But that’s not even necessary for this exercise, it’s just the awareness is just the presence with your body, and to start tuning in consciously, to what’s going on in your body and how it feels. Number two, is going to be do a central massage with your partner. And notice where you feel relaxed, if you feel self conscious, or if you feel squeamish ticklish, even anywhere. So you might notice just moments where you feel that way that maybe pass and you might notice certain body parts where you feel more relaxed or more tense. And it’s really kind of for you. And it actually, it could also be a practice of setting the boundaries. So you might be like, You know what, I would love a massage, but please avoid this area in that area, you know, please avoid my you know, upper back, because it’s super sensitive or spasms a lot, or please avoid my feet. So I’m just I don’t like feet, you know, whatever it is for you. So I actually think that’s a great like low stakes opportunity to practice the boundary setting. Plus, it relaxes you plus, it’s connected without it having to be you know, all or nothing in terms of you know, we’re not touching or we’re having intercourse. And then the last way that I would encourage you guys to practice is just by feeling your emotions in your body. And so a couple emotions that I think most people can relate to, would be anxiety. So when I work with clients that are experiencing anxiety, or when I experienced it myself, you know, it tends to be in the chest or throat. And so there might be sort of a tight feeling a constricted feeling, sometimes it feels heavy. So see if that’s something you can tune into. Another one that I think most of us can relate to is sort of the like, Dread pit in your stomach. What I kind of want you to start noticing is that actually all emotions have a physical sensation that goes along with it. And the more we can kind of get in our body with it, and not just in our head, about like, Oh, I’m anxious, I gotta stop feeling anxious. Like, what if I’m just present with the chest tightness or the throat constriction? instead? Let’s just see what happens for like, three minutes. What if I don’t resist it? What if I don’t fight it? And what if I also don’t perpetuate it? By having thoughts that are looping that keep making me feel more anxious? What if I’m just with the physical sensations in a mindful way where I’m not judging it but I’m also not trying to escape it. I would love to hear from some of you if you do this, because our emotions tend to pass or painful emotions tend to pass faster when we do that, because we’re acknowledging them like they’re coming up for a reason. And sometimes we even get more intuitive guidance this way because I do think of our emotions as little messenger so try it. I also wanted to mention the flip side of the boundary thing where sometimes we’re actually not being vulnerable enough sometimes we’re having some you know, fear or aversion to sex. And it actually is a pretty safe space and you actually are secure enough in yourself that you can handle it if something doesn’t go perfectly. I want to mention also in those cases, push yourself a little bit it’s okay right we we have defense mechanisms for all sorts of good reasons and different reasons but kind of left that part of yourself it’s feeling guarded or defended. No like reminded for actually safe. Let’s like play this out. Right? Doesn’t go perfectly. You have this support and that support or you know, your partner in this sexual experience is someone who’s consistently been really safe for you. And so some of the work might also be How can you be safe for yourself? Right? So with that I am offering you guys a fun little free gift as well. I have a healthy sexual boundaries checklist in my website so you guys can check that out at Heather shannon.co forward slash freebies. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash freebies. So I hope you guys enjoy that and I will catch you next week. Are you feeling stuck or shameful and your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
