023 Heather Coaches “Vanessa” And You Get To Listen To Their Session!
I was not allowed to have extreme emotions I have them inside, but showing them on the outside was was intended to be suppressed. So I was worried. That’s so funny that you just linked to the childhood stuff to sex. I mean, yeah, but that’s so accurate that makes me that’s very validating thank you one more thing to add to that, you know, like, I’m like over pathologizing my soft drink sex already. Anyways, I’m like, Okay, now my parents are here.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship. I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy, in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, I am really excited to do today’s episode with you. We actually have Vanessa here who we’re going to do a coaching session with that you guys get to witness and learn from so really excited about that. But before we get to that, we’re gonna go to our review of the week. There’s been some awesome reviews. There was one last week that I think I avoided reading because it was gonna make me emotional. So I might be brave, and read that one this week if I can find it. Okay, here we go. So this one is titled unlearning sex negativity. I’ve been on my own journey of unlearning a lifetime of sex negativity I learned from the church, all the shame and guilt heaped on me as a young boy, a teenager, a young man, it all followed me into my relationships with women and into my marriage, those things led to challenges I couldn’t have expected. And though I’ve come a long way from where I was, having shows like ask a sex therapist with Heather Shannon is really powerful to explore alternatives to the narrative, I was raised with a grateful for the show and the work that is doing to help listeners reframe the sex narrative they have always believed. So that was just a beautiful review. So thank you. And if you’re the person who wrote it, reach out to us all you have to do, I feel like I need to explain this whenever you’re listening to an episode. And this is at least for Apple podcasts, where I think most of you are just scroll down, and the show notes are right there. And you’ll be able to see links to my Facebook community and how to contact me and any other links that are resources that get mentioned during the episode. So thank you all for listening. And thank you for the beautiful review. And you do get a book bundle for my Amazon storefront, you get to pick any three books. They can be sex related, relationship related spiritual books, anything that you want, and we’ll send them to you. So thanks again, guys. Alright, so I’m going to introduce our guests today. And this is not like a standard guest episode. So again, I’m going to be coaching Vanessa, that is a pseudonym, but she has given us permission. And she also filled out a form just like a client normally would. So we’re gonna go through the form, we’re gonna get into some of the stuff that’s bothering her and see if we can help. So welcome, Vanessa, thank you for being here. I don’t know. I’m honored to be here. Oh, thank you. Alright, so some of the things that you filled out. That could be topic ideas were dating, you said unusual sex life? So I think well, I’ll be curious about that. Attachment styles and evolving emotions with sex. So tell us a little bit more about those, like, what’s kind of coming up for you. And maybe let’s pick where we want to start what feels kind of most important. So if I talk about attachment styles, I have avoidant attachment. I work on having secure attachment, but I definitely have avoidant and okay, I know it’s not the super norm for women, usually, it’s supposed to be women are securely attached, or they’re anxiously attached. I don’t know. That’s what I mean. That’s what I there’s a little variation by gender. But really, I don’t even like factor that in to be fully honest. Well, as an avoidant Lee attached person, definitely in my past, I’m inclined to kind of get what I need in the moment. And then off I go, and even within relationships, it’s kind of like, I’m getting what I need. And then there’s just this very compartmentalized nature to sex, where it’s like, this is kind of what I’m doing in the moment and then removing the emotions from it. So incorporating the emotions, and that’s kind of like the other point that I made evolving emotions. Oh, that makes sense. Okay, so you’re kind of wanting to integrate the sexual and the emotional more. Yes, I definitely. It was one or the other black and white. I am having such trouble. I’m having emotions. They are not going together. Okay, that’s helpful to know. Is that something that bugs you? Or is that something that you’ve just kind of gotten feedback from and you’re realizing like, Hey, I can’t have the relationship I want until I address this. Exactly, exactly. Okay. So like yes, and yes, yes. Yes. To all everything you just said. All right. So that’s good to know. Is it always been like this or is this more of a recent thing, meaning always, no emotions, Incorporated insects? Yes. And have slowly been incorporating them. And it’s opened up a whole different pathway in my brain. That’s exciting. So I would actually love to hear more about that, like, how are you slowly incorporating them, because it sounds like you’re already on the path. So one of the tendencies with avoidant attachment, and I’m like just reading the book attached. They talk about Tibet and the resources. Yes. When I favorite books, I’m running around, like you need to read attached. In attach, they talk about avoiding people tending to, in their mind the off somewhere else during sex. And that’s how you don’t link with the emotions. And also it being kind of a just like, what’s your standard for different types of attachment styles is a form of validation, or a form of connecting, which is kind of an emotional behavior, but also, as a more sexually explorative, or dominant type of personality that I have, I also use it as a form of, or I have used it as a form of taking control over someone or kind of getting what I need in that moment. And it’s a very primal activity versus anything emotional. Okay, that makes sense. So like, do you like that about it? Or no, yes. And even sometimes now, still, I still think about, like, it’s almost like a dominate type of thinking about this, you know, as I’m prepping for, yeah, our discussion, but good. I mean, the emotional is just so much better. And that’s what gives me the comfort to let go a little bit, which is really what this is all about. It’s like, if I have the emotions, I can let go. And if I don’t, then I’m in charge. And all I want to do is not eat charge for what’s interesting. Okay, so you liked the dominant in Primal, but you just want to also kind of have access to the other side of it. Yes. And, you know, I, from the emotions perspective, the reason I never fully allow myself is because I feel like the person the partner that I’m with isn’t as close as I want them to be. So being nervous that I’m going to let my guard down and let someone in fully emotionally, and then lose them, like the fear of abandonment, which is just, you know, more attachment stuff. I don’t ever let my guard down fully enough to let them in. So it’s like, okay, they can’t harm me, I’ll just stay in the more dominant position. Interesting. Now, like, have you had sex with someone that you are closer to like a friend or someone you’ve been dating for a while? Yes. And how does that go? It’s, I mean, there’s any situation more recently, where I got very close to the point of having the only like, which didn’t even happen anyways, because I stopped myself, like penetrative, like orgasm of my life, okay. And it was just that moment where I was like, if I let go here, I’m letting go of all the emotions. If I go over the edge here with the emotions, then I like, Okay, if this person doesn’t want the same thing as me, it’s, I’m screwed. Interesting. Okay, so this makes me more curious about the orgasm situation. Yes. Ending on the dynamics. So when you’re being more dominant, primal, are you still orgasming? Or no, no, I mean, if I’m using like a toy, and I’m in my own mind, and really being mindful in the activity, I can make that happen next to someone. And that’s only been in the last couple years. Okay. But then the experience where you did have the orgasm, I did it with someone you were close, or you didn’t, because you decided not to let Yes. I said don’t let go. I couldn’t do it. Wow, that’s so interesting that you like distinctly kind of have that voice that said, Don’t let go. Yeah, I mean, like, physically stopped. There was some curiosity. They’re like, what’s happening? Okay, so I’d be interested to dig into that a little bit. Sure. What do you think about digging into the don’t let go voice? I mean, like, you say, like, Hey, be prepared with ask one question to a sex therapist. Mine is, have an orgasm. Okay, so this sounds like a good thing to dig into that. So everyone, Vanessa and I did meet once beforehand, just to kind of discuss some of this. And so I do have a little bit of background, but I’m trying to remember it. Do we talk about internal family systems? Did I kind of break that down for you? Yes. And you sent me very kind link to a podcast that I never watched you need to watch need to watch. I love resources. I love sending resources so much. Okay, thank you for that. So let’s review it for people anyways. So. So the important things we want to know are we have our self energy, that’s the essence of who we are. It is calm, confident, totally secure. I don’t even know like if it gets attached, it just feels like naturally connected to people. There’s no agenda. So the self energy wouldn’t even be like, I must have an orgasm or like, you know, instantly that doesn’t care. But there’s probably a sense of allowing there though. I would say some playfulness, I think really a sense of spaciousness. It’s kind of like Time does not exist, we have all the time in the world, there’s just like space. And so I love that it’s someone who often feels urgency. That’s what the self energy feels like. And it’s the same for all of us, it may be manifest in slightly different ways, but it’s the same qualities, which is cool. And the self energy is unaffected by trauma, which is also one of my favorite things. Wow, 100, you know, so then we have the parts. And I think of the parts as being more of our ego, like aspects of our ego. So we have manager parts, and those are the ones that are proactive, and you know, probably a lot of people listening on a growth journey and you know, personal development and healing and things like that. So there’s probably some Mandor parts involved in that if you’re going for promotion at work, that’s probably an integral part involved, so proactively trying to make our lives better and preventing us from feeling really painful feelings. And then we have the firefighters who also try and prevent us from feeling really painful feelings. So your avoidance would be a firefighter, the firefighters can be anything where it’s like, what say some, like not feeling safe, feeling so vulnerable, that we don’t feel safe starts popping up, then it’s like, no, no, no, no, avoidance is here to protect you. You don’t have to feel bad Vanessa. So that’s what happens. And it’ll also be things like any kind of advice goes into the firefighter category. So drug addiction, alcoholism, you know, porn addiction, sex addiction, overeating, gambling, like shopping, spending, anything along those lines, where we’re kind of being reactive, tends to go to the firefighter category. And I think, not just me, but the firefighters tend to get a really bad rap. And I’m sure as you hear the list, it’s not surprising why, because they have unwanted consequences in our lives. But they too, are preventing us from the exiled parts. And that’s the third category of parts. So the exiled parts, it’s actually a very short list. Things like feeling not good enough, feeling unwanted or unlovable, feeling shame, feeling like a failure, we all tend to have the same ones, which is wild, like that was one of the most wild things I learned in my training, I was like, That’s it, there’s only like, for whom they’re like, everything kind of boiled down to this. But the idea is like we shoved all of those in the dark basement corner of our psyche. And the idea is like, we don’t want them to see the light of day ever again. And so we like have this intricate system of parts that tries to protect us from those really in different ways. But the goal of ifs is to, from a place of our self energy, befriend our parts. So you and I are gonna be kind of curious about this. Don’t let go part. And if we can befriend it. You don’t have to like be friends with it right away. I’ll help you. So yes, please, I’ll take that. Right, because usually people want to work on parts that they’re not loving right away. All right, so can you take yourself back to that moment where you have the don’t let go sentence? Okay, cool. So what do you notice in your body? When you kind of think that sentence or take yourself back? i It’s like, I almost burst out crying. Okay, yeah. Okay. Yep. So and I think that was my fear. And I’ve always kind of like, joked with my girlfriends, like, oh, like the guy that makes me have an orgasm will be the one that I like, just can let go of when I’m so afraid to pick that person. And that, you know, just my body pick that person. So my mind is stopping that from happening, hearts or deactivating strategy or psychosis, you know, whatever you want to call it, label it as you wish. Okay, now, when I mentioned something that might apply to some other people listening as well, but you’re very smart. So it’s great on one hand, but it can also be a challenge with ifs, so let’s acknowledge kind of like the intellectual parts and the analytical parts and the solver parts. Because for this particular modality, what works really well is being just like in the felt sense, like being in your body. And this is interesting, because it does parallel what you’re going to want to do during sex, too. I struggle with that, do you teach on the nose there. So the way you can work with these parts, it’s shockingly simple. As you can just acknowledge, like, okay, intellect, you’re very helpful normally, but you can actually take a break right now. And in fact, that would help. And what I do in my mind sometimes is like, okay, that I’m going to send my intellect off to an imaginary room was going to do crossword puzzles. So you can give it like a little task that will kind of busy. Yeah, so you want to set it to a happy place. Like you cannot come here right now. You’re still finishing crosswords like gold? Yes, basically, yes. So you want it that’s gonna be the conversation with me, like, go to the room. That might also be your dominant part that we just went there’s this dominant part So let’s acknowledge that one, the parts love being acknowledged. So it’s just nice to acknowledge them. Like, they’re all welcome. I like that. I like that. Yeah, like, they’re all welcome. And we’ll just, you know, we’ll interact with them as needed. So, so we’re not going to dominate the intellect into going away, but we’re just going to ask it like, Hey, would you kind of give us some space, so that you can facilitate this, don’t let go part that we’re working with. So see if the intellect can kind of do that. And then if there’s any other parts that are solvers, or analysts, let’s see if they will also either join the intellect or go do a task of their choosing, that they feel happy with. And you can also tell the parts, hey, you can hang out on my shoulder, you can kind of like sit on my lap, you can just stay in the room and observe and if you need to jump back, and you can, because sometimes they just want to, like make sure, like, make sure things are okay. In general sense that like if, especially if they keep popping back in. And that’s part of my job, too, is to notice what’s going on with parts. So we can manage that a little bit. All right, so hopefully, intellect is kind of doing its thing. Is the dominant part feeling present? Or is that one kind of chilled now that the intellect is chilled? In that moment? Or if you’re referencing me going back to that moment? No, right now? Oh, as we’re talking about it. You may be like, I’m like, I’m work over here. And like, during the meeting right now, you know, I need to turn that off. Okay. Yeah. So that’s even just like a reminder, part two, so let’s kind of think the reminder part I have those two are then sometimes it’s hard to like be present. And so my parts relate to your parts on that. So let’s ask that one, you know, hey, I’m here, I’m on this coaching call. And can you kind of just accept that, and maybe remind me afterwards. So see if that part can kind of do that. And then let’s turn your attention back to the don’t like go part. So you mentioned the sensation of almost like a welling up of tears or bursting forth of tears. How are you feeling now when you tune into it? is still the same? Okay, so same sensation. Yes. If I am, like, truly imagine myself in that moment, I can recreate? Like it was almost, and I like how you said, like, coming forth or bursting, because I almost felt like I was going to like, jump over the motions for the moment and reach this whole new level of incorrect spot. Like, I’m going to scare the shit out of everybody in the room. If I Oh, that’s interesting. So there’s a part that’s worrying about other people? Yes. Okay. I just can’t turn off the psychotherapist and me. Is that something that came from your childhood? Like, does? Did you have to worry about other people or take care of other people? Yes, yeah, it’s very true. I was not allowed to have bursts of emotion. Because if that I had a lot of emotions. So I should caveat, I did a lot of therapy. My very kind therapist, I used to live in Southern California Love her. We went into childhood trauma and worked through a lot of it. My poor parents, I’ve made them suffer through it with me. Like, this way you did growing up, okay. And they were kind of open to that they were so open to it. I mean, our relationship has totally flipped 180 in comparison to how it used to be okay. But I was not allowed to have extreme emotions. I had them inside, but showing them on the outside was, was intended to be suppressed. So I was worried. That’s so funny that you just linked to the childhood stuff to sex. I mean, yeah, but that’s so accurate. That makes me that’s very validating. Thank you. One more thing to add to that, you know, like, I’m like, over pathologizing my soft drink sex already. Anyways, I’m like, Okay, now my parents are here. Well, I mean, right. Hopefully, you can just laugh at that. If that. You know, I’m glad you also mentioned the over pathologizing, because that is a really common thing to again, I’ve done that to myself as well. And I think that that’s what I love about internal family systems, just that reminder that all the parts are welcome. Like, they’re all actually serving important roles. And for me, like, the more I have worked with clients on this, the more I realize how intelligent the parts are, and like how much helpful information they have from us. But as long as we’re kind of like, oh, go away, like this is terrible, stop doing this to me to the parts, then we will never get that information. So we only get the information when we befriend them, and we kind of show up with some compassion and some gentle curiosity. So that’s what we’re working towards, but also like the part so the part that protects you by kind of being in charge or like suppressing emotions, or just kind of experiencing them internally, or just not fully experiencing them. It developed for a reason. And for some sort of adaptive reason that was helpful at the time. So I think we also need to realize that and a lot of times what happens is like the parts can be stuck in the past. So we don’t know yet. So we’re going to check with this part and see what’s going on. So So tune back into that sensation. Does it feel like it’s kind of behind the eyes? Or is there anywhere else you’re experiencing this Don’t let go part. So as an intellectual person, very heavy thinker, it’s a disconnect between my body and the felt sense. And then myself mentally. So it was almost like in that moment where I finally was, I call it the mindfuck. Okay, where it was like mindfuck enough that I was almost getting very mindful. And then physically, I was allowing myself and then my mind took over and said, Hey, wait a minute, like, stop, stop right there. You can’t physically let go, you have to mentally hold. And I can see how my past now that I’m thinking about it, of course, thinking versus feeling. That’s okay. Now that I think about it, that is why I would choose to have like a more extreme like sex life, because I was not ever physically connecting, which is, I think the physical goes with the emotional, yeah, I was only mentally in like, enjoying or like getting what I needed. Hmm, that makes sense. And yeah, the more I’ve done, the work that I do, the more I really feel like our emotions do originate in the body. And you know, the more we can kind of be in touch with our body, and feel the feelings, there’s a couple benefits. So one, you’re more in tune with your body, you can probably experience more pleasure during sex, you’re also more in tune with your emotions, and the painful emotions actually pass faster, which I think is like the biggest miracle of all, because people are normally concerned, like, if I allow this, is it going to take over? Am I going to lose control? And it’s like, well, you’re making a conscious choice, you’re not really losing control. But it tends to pass faster when we’re not resisting it. So I think of it. And I know most people are not watching video, they’re listening. But if you want to check out the YouTube, it’s almost like here comes the painful emotion. I’m doing a hand motion you guys where the motion is coming towards me. Okay, so it’s like a here it’s coming out. Oh, there passes. Versus like, when we’re resisting. It’s like, okay, here comes the emotion. No, and then we’re pushing against it with our other hand. No, no, please stop. This is really terrible. And then it just then it stuck, then it’s like in us, and we’re just battling and we’re losing all this energy, and it’s not passing through. So if people have feel like numbness or stuckness, that can often be what’s going on. There’s something there that needs to be allowed and felt physically. What are your thoughts? For this scenario, or the one that I was in? I didn’t feel safe in front of that person, because I didn’t know them well enough. Okay, to catapult forward, allow my body to have whatever reaction was going to have Yeah, feel it and then pass. If I did let go, I would be potentially very embarrassed after like, Oh, yes, I just burst out crying. Hmm. You think that this is a sexual experience, but now my traumas. But this is a thing actually. We’re like crying an orgasm or connected just in general. Not that like every time someone orgasm, orgasms, they cry. But I do think there’s an increased likelihood like this is not the first time I’ve heard this. I’m a candidate for sure. So that’s, that’s actually interesting. So is that this part that protecting you with the don’t let go is that it’s fear that you’re going to kind of burst into tears during orgasm. It’s the, for me, I think it’s the if I have an emotional connection, that’s that deep. That’s the depth that I want it to be. And then I lose it. That’s the fear. Because the the orgasm says like proximity, like, I’m going to bring you in very close, I’m going to be very close to this person. And then losing that person later is the fear. So I stop any of it from starting even. So it’s kind of like if you had orgasms with this person. You think you would have gotten too attached to them? Yes. Or they didn’t feel the same way back? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, now that I think about it, I in this moment, my felt sense is like the burning in the back of my throat. Oh, good. I can feel it right now. So that’s fear. I’m scared even right now thinking about it. Like, oh, what if they didn’t want to get as close to me as I want to get posed to them? Okay, I love that you can identify that and I do want to let people know like Vanessa is advanced and has been to therapy before. I can’t do that already. Right. So like, keep her people were like, How did she know that? Like the burning? She’s been practicing people. This is what can happen when you practice feeling your feelings and do your work. But no orgasms so that’s not okay. We’ve got to always have something to work on. So okay, yeah, burning in the back of the throat is the fear sensation. And does that kind of go with the bursting forth of tears sensation? Are they separate? How does that feel to you? Maybe that was my body connecting to me in that moment saying, Don’t do it. Because the burning started. And that’s like the deeper trauma that makes sense when the back of the throat shows up, okay? And I’m supposed to be more psychology stuff, okay? I’m supposed to be in the body based triad of the Enneagram. And I’m supposed to be able to feel like very visceral like gut reactions. I’m not always the gut triad, as they call it, not the body based try it. So I’m supposed to feel stuff in the body, which makes me more impulsive, but I can definitely identify emotion through what’s happening in the body. That’s great. And it’s a good balance with your intellect to so excellent. So which part is wanting our attention more right now the burning in the back of the throat or the bursting forth of tears sensation there battling 5050 until there’s enough burning that I just physically stop? Because then I want you to stop the burning as quickly as possible. Okay, how about right now? Which one are you feeling wants the attention and the burning? Okay. All right. So let’s do that one, then. So you’re just noticing that sensation in the back of the throat? How are you feeling toward it? So we’re kind of thinking of it. It’s like its own little energy being How do you feel towards that? If I pay attention to it? I’m gaining control over the sensation to want to cry. Okay, so this burning part is controlling. It’s saving me from crying. Okay, so that’s kind of its role. Yes. Okay. Yeah. So it steps in and says, stop whatever you’re doing, because it becomes so irritating, that it almost produces so much like physical discomfort that I just have to, like, nothing else can exist. But the burning is a powerful part. It will Yeah, and it’s, it does happen simultaneously. Anytime I’m wanting to cry, the burning shows up. Very interesting. So even if it’s like a non sexual scenario, and you’re just feeling okay, okay. All right. So we understand that. So the burning in the back of the throat is saving you from crying. So let’s just acknowledge that kind of to the part. And wit for this part, you’re kind of tuning inward more, you can leave your eyes open, you can close your eyes, like whatever is comfortable for you to kind of turn your attention inward to that burning in the back of the throat. And let’s just notice, like, what emotion are you feeling toward it? That fear letting go? Is that what the part is kind of communicating? Or is that how you feel toward it? Like, do you like the part? Do you want the part to go away? Oh, my God, I wanted to go away. That was very clear. Anything, just stop the burning. Okay. All right. So that is helpful for us to know. So that’s another part, we’ve got the burning in the back of the throat is trying to save you from crime. And then we’ve got another part that really wants the burning in the back of the throat to go away. So let’s acknowledge the one that wants it to go away. And then what you’re actually going to do is just like we did with the intellect earlier is see can that one that wants it to go away, give some space and allow us to just just be with the burning in the back of the throat and be kind of curious about it. And if the one that wants it to go away, needs to hang out and observe it can see what kind of works and you’re just going to notice, does that kind of intense desire for it to go away? Start to subside or that like nope, not going anywhere? Guys, I’m here. No, it goes away. And I almost can cry on camera, which I don’t want to do. Okay, well, we’re not going to push anything. So one of the things I want you and your parts and anyone listening to know is this system ifs is very respectful of the parts and so there’s no pushing, there’s no bulldozing, there’s no forcing, it’s really taking our cues from the parts. So whatever they’re okay with was what happens. So how do your parts feel hearing that? Okay, so now that the one that wanted to go away has kind of given some space? How are you feeling now towards the burning in the back of the throat? Less? It’s less painful? Oh, interesting. I almost have the sensation of I will cry, but you know, it’s being introduced is now this like, third brain part. Okay, where it’s like, it’s almost like a triangle. Like, I’m allowing the space to happen for the burning. Hmm. Like for the drama? Yes, definitely. And it’s okay to cry. Uh huh. But it’s almost like you don’t even need to cry. Okay, because you’re allowing yourself to feel the feelings, I guess. Interesting. So does it feel like there’s a separate intellect part there? You were mentioning something else just showed up? Okay. Okay. And how do you know that that one is there? It’s like the peaceful calm brain that showed up like this energy. Oh, yeah. So yeah, so you’re feeling some peace and calm towards the burning sensation and allowing you mentioned the room got like white and it was like, calmer, you know, like, it was like settling the water type of thing. Beautiful. All right. So welcome to the self energy. And so now let’s just check with the part so ask the part and you don’t have to do this out loud but just internally If you can just ask the part, what’s it trying to do for you? Like, how is it protecting you? It, it almost feels like, if I do cry in front of this person, no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. Like I will still another something down the road, I’m sure will show up that says, Wow, that was embarrassing, okay, but no matter the reaction that I get from the person that I’m with, I am able to work through it from my perspective, like, oh, you allowed yourself to have what you needed to have. Yeah, that’s beautiful. That’s what happens when we’re in self energy. It’s kind of like you don’t need any certain thing from the other person. Because like, you’re there for you yourself. Energy is there for your parts. And so I kind of want the part like, can we just let the part the burning sensation know, it can access the self energy when it needs to do and it wants to? As soon as you said, think about the other person the burning showed up again? Oh, interesting. So yeah, no, no, I’m worried like, oh, yeah, that’s right. I have to factor their decision. And so it’s like it went from, okay, I’m at peace with what I need for me. Okay. And then I remembered, oh, yeah, there’s someone else involved here. So I need to be more mindful of them. Okay, I feel like we’re getting somewhere with this. So the factoring in the other person is can you ask the the part, the burning part? Is that part of its role? Factoring and other people? Yes. Okay. But not always, but not always. Because sometimes the burning will show up, even when I’m on my own, but maybe I don’t know, I’d have to think or not think and ask the part. So go ahead and ask the part. Anything you’re curious about, like when you’re in this place of calm and peace, you can just follow your intuition. So anything you’re curious about with this part, you can just go ahead and ask that internally, just giving the part however much space it needs right now. I like so I just jumped out of the hole. Okay. So you kind of lost connection with the part. Yep. Okay. So that is also interesting. So it’s usually another part that comes in and does that. That was the your browser’s not allowed to record part. There was a tech distraction. Yes, this. Okay. Okay, so I was trying to jump back and quickly, like, go back. Well, obviously, that’s a part that maybe he’s like, No, I’m doing a thing. I got it, whatever. So let’s just acknowledge all the parts that popped up. So there’s so many what’s his name? All the parts that need to be acknowledged right now. Okay, so there’s the I have a meeting park that one shows up from time to time, I have the browser not allowed to record part. I have the old boy, the part of he’s gonna listen to this podcast, and then he’s gonna be like, Was that me? I mean, our listenership is growing, but it seems unlikely that he would just accidentally be a listener. We never know. So it’s not an accident. Yeah. And then there are the other parts that we named already. So it’s a burning in the throat. Now I can actually get back into it now on jumping back and have acknowledged the other parts. That’s why yes. So yes, it’s a burning in the back of the throat. It’s that peaceful clear white room, calm water. And I’m very distant from that part right now, the thought that I might cry, but three times now You’ve almost got to meet or cry on camera. So sometimes I think we get a bad rap. Sometimes we’re trying to make people cry, but I’m not. Alright. So how are you sensing the burning one still? If I start talking about it again, or thinking about it, yes. Okay, so how are you feeling toward that one now? piece? Is there the ability to kind of calm down? Oh, yeah. Then the burning sensation is reminding me, you know, what really got me like I was saying was when you said, think about the other person? Mm hmm. Because then that’s when all those other pieces show up, where it’s like, how is the conversation going to go after this? So I’m sure in the moment, they’ll kind of look at me like, Okay, what the heck just happened? Like, let me be here and we’d be mindful. Let me help you through this. But then after, as I leave this scenario, imagining if you do cry, or if you do orgasm, yes, if I do, yes. Yep. Orgasm crying, like how weird it’s going to be interviewing. How do I start another conversation? How do I continue a relationship with this person? I mean, I cry all the time. And then I think you just own it during a part of me. I mean, not all that it’s not like no, like, but I have I have been I’ve cried after sex for sure. Yeah. Okay, okay. I Definitely, it’s a release orgasm is a release crying as a release or body is like getting something out. It’s good. Tears are actually biochemically healing. So one of the ways maybe your science brain will like, one of the ways we kind of recalibrate or reset ourselves is through crying. And it actually produces like more happy chemicals than laughter, which was shocking to me when I found that out. But like, how cool is that? I very much believe that. Yeah, I just have not experienced in a sexual realm, right? That’s fair. And you know, if this is someone that you’re going to be like, having sex with repeatedly, maybe you just let them know ahead of time, like, Hey, this is just a thing my body does where like, it might cry with orgasm. Like, I can’t control it. They’re both just released out of that, the more you’re just like, and I do think it helps getting older a little bit. So you’re, you’re still pretty young, but like, I think you just get to a point where like, zero should skip it. This is just like what my body does. It’s just like, take her leave it and trust me, it’s still gonna take it. Really, this is weird, but interesting. He might just be like, Oh, cool. And you can be like, yeah, it’s kind of a thing for other people, too. It’s not just me. I’ll be like, alright, learn something new today. Great. You never know. I mean, I don’t know how he’s gonna react. But I think I think you experienced a little bit of this, where you were kind of feeling that inner security with the self energy. And then it gets to the point where it doesn’t matter how the other person reacts. Because it’s like, you got you, you’re not abandoning you. You’re not outsourcing the validation to someone else. Yeah. And then allowing that part, as you call it, or ifs calls in to show up in enough so that I’m like, okay, no piece 100 You know, we’re gonna do the piece route, the cell phone, if you just like we kind of have done today, you can ask the parts to give you space. So even if a part comes up during sex, and you’re like, Oh, this one’s here again, like the don’t like go part or the burning part. It could be like, dammit, yeah, but it could just be like, okay, part can you just like, give me some space, you can come back after sex. Most of the time, they will like you’ve kind of already experienced that today. We’re like, just asking the part to give space. It’s like, Okay, I hope I can give you good updates. I would love to have updates, I’m sure other people would as well. Before we wrap up, though, let’s check back with the burning in the throat. How’s that one doing now? Pretty much gone. Because I’m, it’s there. It’s like, Hey, I did you know, I was just here. But at the same time, it’s also the peace, the calm water, and the thought of like, especially when you say outsource, like I like I want to be authentic, so bad. And part of being naked emotionally physically in front of someone is you got to be authentic. So my desire for authenticity makes me that much more inclined to continue that peace part be like, Okay, no, I’m gonna take it as it comes. Even if you react in a strange way, I’m still gonna, I’m still gonna own me and be like, I’m strange. We’re all strange. So that just happened. Sounds like there still is a little judgment part there that I’m going to encourage you to work with, that might be the next one for you to work with. And now you kind of know how, you know, it’s like you locate the part physically in your body, you feel that feeling, you ask any other parts to step aside until you’re in that place of the peace and calm and there’s still water. So and that’s what it is for you for yourself energy, those are kind of your cues that the self energy is present. Other people might have slightly different cues. So I do want to mention that. But once you’re in that place of the calm waters, you can just like follow your intuition and check in with the parts, you know, kind of give them what they need. So you can do that with the judgment part. That’s kind of saying like, well, it is pretty weird to be like, Oh, judgment, you’re here. Hi, what’s up. And then you’ll probably notice, the more you acknowledge judgment, the more you understand how judgments trying to help you, the better. If we were to do more sessions, I would also suggest checking with the parts to see like, How old do they think you are? Like, do they think you’re still hit? Do they think you’re still maybe in some of the family situations where you had to be in charge and not express emotion, and then you can update the part. So that’s actually a really fun thing to do with the parts as well, at least, I think it’s fun. It’s very integrated. It’s interesting. And so you can that’s something you can do as well. If you’re in the state of peace, you’re in the self energy, you can ask the parts Hey, how old do you think I am? And they’re, they’re all gonna probably have different answers, actually. Anyways, I do want let’s take your parts first. So let’s think the dominant part that popped up let’s think the burning sensation part. This is us just thanking them internally for kind of like showing up for, you know, kind of like the parts were a little vulnerable today. So we’re kind of just appreciating them a little bit for that and they communicated really helpful information. The feeling of crying one, the bursting forth. Let’s think that one, the judgment that we just talked about. Factoring in the other people, I think there was maybe a few other ones. So any ones we miss, let’s just let them all know that they’re appreciated. And this is, you know, kind of part of building the positive relationship with the parts. And then I want to thank you also for just be willing to be here and be my first guinea pig on the podcast and sharing your story. So that’s really meaningful to me, and I think to everyone listening to so thank you so much for being here, Vanessa, and thank you, everybody, for listening. We’ll catch you next Monday. Thank you for having me bye
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