024 The Horny Housewife–on Going For It In Life, Dating Your Spouse and Keeping it Sexy in A Long-Term Relationship
I’m a pretty hypersexual person. So the longest patch we had was like after childbirth because I was bleeding heavily out of my vagina for six weeks. Oh, they say you can’t have sex for six weeks. You can’t I tried to have sex like a week after childbirth. You did not Dawn down a hallway. First of all, nothing. It was like a mass murder scene. It was. Derek was like, No, we’re not doing this. Screw the screw with a doctor say I’m just going for it.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship. I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Welcome, everybody. I’m so excited to be here with a guest today we have Jordan Haix from the horny housewife podcast. Some of you might have heard my episode as a guest on her show. But her show is amazing. It’s crushing it. And she’s bringing so much value. So we’re going to talk to you guys today. Mostly, I’m sure will digress because that’s how my brain works. But we’re going to talk to you mostly about you know how to keep that sexy spark alive, especially in a long term relationship. So welcome, Jordan, thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. It’s so cool. Because when you came on the morning, housewife, you were like a podcast is coming. Like it’s in the works for me in here you are doing so well. So congratulations, thank you, I appreciate that. And you’ve been like, so supportive. So like Jordan was at my podcast, launch party. And he’s just kind of been like, you know, oh, I can’t wait to like, give you tips and like, share what I’ve learned. And just, you know, you’re just a genuinely supportive person. So I appreciate that. Thank you. It’s been really fun. I’m super excited for our topic, because I am not married and in a super long term relationship, but it’s a really common thing I work with, with clients. And so I’m excited that you are a married person. And so much of your show, like you talk about your show being like locker room, talk for couples, and like how to date your spouse. And I just think that those are so essential. And one of the things I love about sexuality is the idea that it’s a journey. It’s something that you invest in and are dedicated to and explore alone and with your partner. So for sure, yeah. And I know a little bit of your background, but how did you get to this point where you’re like, I’m launching the horny housewife. And this is what I’m going to do. I feel like I’ve been everyone says manifest manifesting to talking for a living for a long time. Like I was just putting that into existence, like one day, I’m gonna get paid to talk. And so I think that that’s cool that that’s happening right now. And then I think after losing my mom, which I lost her suddenly and tragically, unexpectedly, horribly after my 30th birthday, and that like totally fucked me up. It did. And I am grateful that I was the age that I was because I was a mom already. And that really changed me as a woman. It really did because I was I was a partier. I was living it up. I was never a relationship. Oh, I was a long term relationship girl, but I didn’t need to jump like I didn’t need to go from relationship to relationship like some of my friends I have. No hate. The fact that date. I could be single, I didn’t need to be having a boy. There we go. I didn’t need to have a relationship. I wanted to have sex. I definitely want to have sex, right? But I had a lot of fun. And then I think relationships ending got me to the next place in life. Bla bla bla bla bla. Got married have kids. I’m in Washington. I was from Texas. I’ve steps on so I’m kind of like stuck here. The brothers gotta stay together here. The winters are brutal over here, the summers beautiful winters brutal. But after my mom died, I was like, you only have one life like, you know, really cliche corny, I was like, I have to do what I want. It cannot just be I thought being a stay at home mom would be so cool. Like I can do whatever I want. Really, it’s actually very boring and unfulfilling. I mean, to each their own. But it’s like my identity can’t just be wife and mom and I have to be Jordan. And so I needed to be Jordan. And I was like, I want to have a podcast because I like talking a lot. I’m a voice memo queen. And I’m always like voice memos. I mean, are you a voice memo? Or? Oh yeah. Oh, I do. Yeah, I use whatsapp all the time. So like if I can get someone off text and onto WhatsApp so that I can leave the audio memos and yeah, very good. Yeah, it’s a podcast. It’s kind of like my friends, like, keep you out. I started a podcast, so I was like, I’m not talking about parenting like Fuck no, I don’t wanna hear any more mommy shit. Like mommy is like I’m all He’s mommy. So I love sex. And not enough. Not enough very believable talk about married sex. And it’s so true. Like all my friends who used to talk to me about sex when they were dating, they get married, and it’s done. No more talking. It’s weird. And I think because they’re ashamed because they’re like, maybe shit fell off or something. Maybe it kids and then like, sometimes women will get really wrapped up in the mommy identity and lose themselves in it. And then it a whole shitstorm comes and we could, there’s so many rabbit trails I could go off of so you might have to guide Yeah, you just decided I love talking about sex, and I’m gonna seize the day. And this is my wife when I started the podcast, and then it just snowballed from there. And my husband’s been super supportive. Because I mean, the horny housewife, you know, people have questions. Or they see it. I relate to that. They’re like, what, or he was, uh, he came up with a name like it, we were joking about it. And I’m like, No, that’s gonna be it. And he’s like, Okay, I haven’t seen it’s a great name. And like, when I’ve mentioned it to people that like I’ve been on that show people like all that, like, people comment all the time. And what a great name. It is. So good name. I like the H and the H. And this Yeah, alliteration makes it more memorable. So you did a great job naming it. Thank you. Thank you. And so but if you Google that and you don’t put podcast, I think all porn pops up. So that’s that podcast in there. When you’re searching for Jordan? Make sure make sure even like, or maybe don’t make sure. Right, right. Depends what you’re looking for that day. That’s true. But I think it’s been it’s created a community of married people, where we can kind of talk shit about being married to some of the podcasts are all like, I don’t know where we are. And we’re not really admitting what’s really going on. Or we’re sugarcoating it. Or a lots of married people get together and they just lie or they like they lie about how much sex they’re having. Or they’re miserable, or they hate each other. And they just laugh. And then they come to me. Or actually, I get a lot of people who are friends, but they’ve lost the spark. Okay. I love to ask you about that, especially now that you’ve been on this journey, like helping your listeners and of course, your own marriage for a while. What are your tips to like, keep the spark alive when you’ve been with someone all the time, and you’ve like been through health issues, and you’ve like, had kids together? And like, maybe you don’t close the bathroom door all the time? I don’t know. Yeah. Because we get an autopilot. And it just kind of inevitable. I feel like I mean, it’s never too late to be intentional, right? I mean, obviously, some people’s marriages have a lot of like, undoing or like rewiring. And each marriage is different. Like there are some people. I don’t know, some people are like, everyone can fix it. I guess I disagree a little bit. I think there’s some marriages, people like maybe y’all should walk and maybe there’s something better for y’all like you’re like, they’re at a point where like, maybe it’s like the ideal situation to walk like they’ve raised their kids and like, but I think the friend thing like you’re saying, I think you can totally get your spark back. Totally 100%. And also, just, maybe you’re not super, I’ve been with my husband eight years. So someone married really long would be like, That’s not long at all. But to me, that feels like a lifetime. Because I’ve been satiable. And I have to mix it up. Yeah, right. It’s hard for me. But I think knowing that there’s ups and downs that we’re just human beings, like he is his own individual, like we’re all our own person dealing with life stresses, and kids and careers, and hormonal imbalances, or mental illnesses, or whatever it is. So I think we have to have grace. But I think with being open and honest and transparent, and being intentional about like carving time out for sexy time, or erotic play dates, or like dating one another intentionally, you will gain momentum there and create that space for you to like, have hot sex. I agree. I think that’s so important. And a lot of times when people come to me, it’s like, they’re just functioning in a household together. And it really is more of like a friend and roommate situation. And sometimes I think people forget, like, I love to use the word dating, because when we’re dating, it’s like, oh, we’re gonna like pick a fun place to go. We’re gonna, like, share our interests with each other with like, what we’re choosing and we’re going to put some effort into our appearance. Yeah. So I mean, I do think it’s important, but I think that dating each other I think it’s, it kind of keeps it exciting and I know that a lot of women express the need to want to feel desired and like we can start to feel unsexy and I know there are certain things men like and want, I like to talk to people about like Timing and delivery, I’m sure you have patients all the time where you’re like having to teach them how to communicate with each other. Because that’s yeah, big deal in this huge. Yeah. And especially when you’re married, and you get in, like the routine of what every day is like, I can’t speak for other people. Well, I know some women, their husbands or pilots, they’re never home, which is terrifying for me. But I’m seeing my husband every day, every single freaking day. Every single day. So we have to be intentional in other ways that maybe the couple who were like ships in the night have to be so I guess. Yeah, yeah, there’s like pros and cons to being around each other all the time, or not as much as you would like. So but I think I think especially since the pandemic and like more people working remote, or people working from home, I do think there’s a ton of people now who are just around each other, kind of all sick of each other. So what do you think are the best tips for those people? I think they need to love themselves a little bit, I don’t know, do what they need to do sometimes, if necessary, I guess assess the situation. Because distance can make the heart grow fonder, sometimes, and I don’t mean like grill apart from one another, but also kind of assess and the way you talk because a lot of people don’t talk about sex, like maybe they feel like, everything’s on the up and up, but they’re not talking about how they fuck each other, or how they want to fuck each other. And sometimes you’re bored and not liking the sex because you’re not liking the sex that you’re having. This is very, very true. And I think most people are afraid to have that conversation. And I kind of get why because, you know, you don’t want to hurt your partner. It’s like this is someone you do love and care about and sex can be a sensitive topic, I will hurt their feelings. Okay, see what to say more about that. Why? I just think that I’ve gotten so many emails saying like, I did it, I went ahead and set and like you can not be mean you can not be like you, you you can say it and you know, no matter how kindly say it, it’s kind of hurt their feelings. Because it’s like, just basically saying, like, you want something different kind of so say it nicely. But yes, it’s gonna hurt their feelings. And yes, it might be awkward. But I’ve heard so many stories of where one husband was like, I told my wife that I had this king that I knew she was going to be like, offended by she was going to be like, What the fuck because I know her. And she was she was like, What the fuck, she was like, and she sat with it, though. She didn’t like dis him. She was disgusted and act. And she sat with it processed, it ended up being like, you know what, like, I don’t think I’m gonna like this, but I’m going to try this. She actually ended up this is crazy ideal loving it. Why? And I know, this is like, the ideal situation of what you wish would happen. And that might not happen. Probably not. But I love the open mindedness and you never know. And just you’re creating a safe space by listening to them, because if you shut them down, they’re probably not going to want to come back around to get shut down again, right? I even like that idea. Like, what if you even go to your partner and say, I will be a safe space? Like, what do you want to what feedback? Do you want to give me about sex? What are you into that you haven’t told me about yet? For sure, I like that you’re like creating the safe space for them. I’m gonna tell me as a safe space, I won’t judge me. That’s why like, you know, if I’m in a sexual situation, like I kind of always like asked for feedback to kind of give someone that option and let them know, I’m open to it. And I’m not gonna get overly offended, because I think there’s also a lot of us out there that like, we want to be pleasing our partner. And if you don’t tell us how sure you are, then it’s kind of like, we’re just taking a stab in the dark and like doing our best, or they’re like faking it. Like that’s such a disservice to you and your partner. And I know it’s awkward, and it’s uncomfortable, and feelings can get hurt. But I think a lot more change will come from being brutally honest, than just not saying anything, because now it’s kind of your fault too. Because you’re not saying anything. This is true. I just love how honest you are. That’s great. And I think if more people could embrace that, you know, and I do think sometimes you have to work on being more secure in yourself or like more okay with your partner having hurt feelings and like not getting too codependent or over into their territory trying to manage how they feel. But just knowing like, it’s okay, like we’ve all had hurt feelings, and we’ve all gotten through it well survive, right and I mean, I’m even thinking about times I’ve gotten feedback that maybe I didn’t really want or that hurt my feelings in the moment, but like, made you a better lover like not even sexually though even I mean because obviously imperfect ready but that’s the one exception of all the humans but but no, but I remember like in college My roommates gave me some feedback that I seemed kind of depressed. And I was like, Oh my God, I feel so confronted. Yeah, but it like, kind of forced me to, like take stock and like, realize like, Okay, I need to, you know, get a good therapist and start working out more. And yeah, you need a little like a wake up collar a slap in the face to be like, oh, yeah, people aren’t like seeing me in this light. Right. And sometimes we just turn a blind eye to things. I think humans are so good at denial. Because it’s uncomfortable, right? But that’s how you grow. There’s growth in the discomfort, there is growth and the discomfort. I guess I’m kind of curious from your listeners, like, what are some of the most common issues that you hear about? The most common thing is someone with a much higher drive than the other person like a mismatch libido, or an insatiable lover like that once could even be borderline like sex addiction, probably with someone who is like, I don’t want to experience other people, but you want to like someone who wants different things just totally, maybe not compatible at a certain point, non compatibility. And that’s the number one that I see. I’m sure as a therapist, you get that all the time all the time, too. Yeah. So how do you how to interview me today wasn’t prepared, but no, like I have a couple I’m working with now. And one of the things I’m kind of getting more into is like our nervous system responses, and like fight flight freeze on. And I’m seeing there’s like a segment of people, often man, but it could be any gender, who just kind of feel like, Oh, this is really uncomfortable emotional thing is being brought up. And I just want to like, go in my little turtle shell. Like, hide from it. And that includes sex. So it’s like if sex has become an issue in the relationship in any way, they just tend to kind of shut down and retreat and then their other partner feels like more triggered and more needy and more rejected and less wanted and you know, just builds on itself, kind of. So that’s one of the things I’m starting to work with people on is like, how can we manage our nervous system response, and I do internal family systems therapy. So one of the things I really get into is working with parts. And that’s so interesting. It is interesting like our defense mechanisms are like the the parts basically like that’s a way you could think about it. Even like our goal oriented aspects could be like a part a quote unquote parts. So I think of the parts is like these little energy beings that are like all over our body kind of, and even the idea of like you experience emotion in your body. So like if you’re having a fight flight, freeze fawn response, you might be feeling you know, an adrenaline rush of heat, you might be feeling tightness in your chest. You might be feeling like extra buzzing energy in your arms or something I know a feeling you’re talking about. Yeah. Which response do you usually have? Like, I think I have angry response. Yes, you’re afraid to? Yeah, yeah. I think we’re actually the minority. I think most people are more flight or freeze. I think my husband’s a full light. Yeah. Okay. I’m trying to revise him like and analyze them. And I’m like, Oh, my God, that’s fine out the way. That’s probably not. I’m like talking to his phone better. To make that into a real I like to get the pay me roll. Yeah. Yes. But yeah, that’s so funny. So yeah, so I think understanding our response, understanding our partners response, and it’s kind of this idea of like, how do our protective parts kind of interact with our partners, protective parts, and the goal is really to be that we’re not relating to ourselves from our protective parts, and we’re more in what we call self energy, which is just kind of like your higher consciousness best self more calm, confident, feeling connected, feeling creative feeling. So you can like come from a place of love in that moment instead of react. Right it Right, exactly. So it’s like nonreactive and so when we can manage our nervous system, then we can be more nonreactive and that takes time right? Because that’s not just like something that you can just switch off and go okay, because I feel like it’s hard to get that space. I’m always like, looking for that space to find between like something triggers you and then reacting like choosing I’m not gonna react well, it seems to like somebody who’s very self aware. And like I am very, very into person. I still lose it. I mean, me too. Yeah. That’s a part of it. But still thing Yeah. Things still trigger you. And often like what you’re explaining with the mismatch libido and rejection, it’s like some what seems like they get in a crazy cycle from how they explain it of like, someone feels really rejected. And then the other person is putting that on the other person and then they get in their head. I’ve had men write me letters saying they have such bad performance anxiety. I don’t know. I feel like it’s sometimes it’s hard for men to say how they feel inadequate in bed, because maybe there’s the stigma of like, the guys always ready and it’s the girl who’s like tired or has a headache. And really, it’s like, there’s lots of men that struggle, they’re like, really are. And that’s been something I’ve learned more about. I think since doing this work, that there’s plenty of men with low libido is there’s plenty of men who the partner with like the lower desire or who aren’t ready all the time, or who need to have an emotional connection first before they want to be sexual. I just feel like we’ve done such a bad job. Is it like a patriarchal society of like, and stress like, but it’s like, it’s the damage has been so done. And now it has to be just like recognized. But we’re here now to help people. We’re here now to help we’re doing and I feel like with men, a lot of men are really stressed out. I mean, maybe not. I mean, but there’s a chunk of men that are stressed and don’t realize how bad like cortisone. Is it cortisone, my saying the word right? Doesn’t it take all the blood flow away from their penis? No. I mean, I’ve never read that specifically, but it might eat. i Okay, I heard something of like, it was a Tiktok. Great. I’m probably spreading misinformation. Right? Because we’re because cortisol spikes when we’re in the fight flight freeze response. And basically, I think of it as like, your body thinks the bear is going to attack you and kill you. And so your body wants like run from the bear. And so all the blood does go to your muscles to kind of like help you mobilize your penis is a muscle. Well, it’s boulders that are non essential when running from a bear. They were talking specifically about getting men getting on stuff to help them produce testosterone, naturally, not actual testosterone idea. They were getting on it, and they were going to therapy as a couple and going. It’s not my sex drive isn’t getting better. I’m still not feeling an increase. And he’s explaining how stressed out he feels for all these different reasons. And the therapist it was a couple therapist was a wife and husband therapist, but they were like, it’s because when your stress levels are that high, and you’re in this crazy cycle, it’s like sucking all the blood flow from your penis and you’re mentally just booked. So you have to get out of that. mindfuck. Yeah, I appreciate that. Because it’s like, right, there’s a mental component. And then there’s like the actual physical and blood flow thing happening. So of course, they’re connected. But yeah, just to be aware of that, how it works. I like taking the pressure off. Like how can you take the pressure off when people are feeling that? Oh, I think the best way because anxiety in the bedroom is not sexy, right? It’s horrible. And I think the best thing you could be as President I know that sounds like maybe a cliche answer. But I think that’s the the answer. If you’re just completely engulfed in your senses, like, taste, smell, touch, and you’re just in that moment, it helps so freakin much. You just have to try it to see it work. Yeah, I love that. And that’s something I tell clients do. See, you’re just like an unofficial sex therapist. I think I’ve just been in therapy a long time. And then I also take sex courses all the time. And they’re always like, it’s true. What’s it called Tantra, tantra, tantra, either, I don’t know how it’s called. But I think that it was like a big, getting present with yourself and in touch with your body and like, energetically, what’s going on between your bodies? I think that’s a great idea for couples to explore. If they’re looking to like deepen intimacy or make, I don’t know, connect on a deeper level sexually. Yeah, I like that. That’s kind of another tip really is like, learn something together about sex. Oh, you asked me for tips. And I’ve just been we’ve definitely three tips in there. They were in there. Maybe we didn’t name them as present. Maybe trying like go on a Google search. listen to podcasts like these have resources where you can dive deeper and then listen together so you can have conversations and then your partner won’t be offended because you’re not talking. I’m not talking directly to anyone. Exactly. It just came up organically right just happened to come up and then you can share it with them. Listener questions some people will write in and be like we both listened. So make sure you kind of like generalize this. And I try really hard I like mix up like a native seven kids. I don’t say that really. People are so funny to how they’re like so totally want to be anonymous, but my partner listens and I do want them to realize that this applies So like they should take note, right, but in a way that makes them change. So do you do therapy with like the couples together or want like, individually, usually together, I usually do like some individual sessions. So at the beginning, I’ll do an individual session with both of them. Which is interesting, because I tell people like this is not confidential from each other, because like you as a couple are my client, but you wind up getting very different information. And so I find it extremely, like worthwhile. And I’m like, Okay, I’m getting the whole picture now. Interesting. Wow, your job sounds juicy. It is juicy, because it’s like, I think our brains get bored, right? And like, my brain can go like all over the place, and very fast. So it feels kind of like this very complex puzzle for my brain to work on. And it gets to be like a little detective. That’s interesting. I think that would be a good TV show. If couples would like put it on television, you can make that like a Yeah. Like from a network reach out? Did you could hear each spouse and then they’re willing to like me that have to be willing to be on television, and then come together and you’re like piecing like, then we break over to you talking about it and piecing it together? Amazing. Yeah, I think you might have just like, solved my life and career path right now. I’m just kidding. Jordan, aka the morning housewife. Anyway, so I’m kind of curious, like, Are you open to talking a little bit about your own marriage and like, what the journey has been like with that, and like what you’ve learned and like, I guess I’m curious if you guys had like, slower patches sexually and like, how have you gotten through them? Honestly, I’m a pretty hypersexual person. So the longest patch we had was like after childbirth, because I was bleeding heavily out of my vagina for six weeks. So you don’t think that that’s really going to happen? I’m like, Oh, they say you can’t have sex for six weeks. You can’t I tried to have sex like a week after childbirth on you did not dog down a hallway. First of all, nothing. It was like a mass murder scene. It was. Derek was like, No, we’re not doing this. Screw the rules. Screw with the doctor say I’m just going for it. Yeah, that was bad. I shouldn’t have done it. Yeah, so don’t try it. If you’re listening. Yeah, don’t try that. Not good. But I didn’t like rip or anything, which makes me feel like I sound like gave a huge vagina. The vagina does shrink back down to size after childbirth. We had sex probably up until I was eight months pregnant. I feel like here’s the hardship for me. I feel like I have a higher drive than him. I feel like he’s more content, like at a certain baseline. Or I would keep that bar higher, if that makes sense. And so I think we struggle our I struggle with sometimes feeling insatiable, I feel like maybe I relate to the listeners that express these things, and can be a voice for men sometimes, because I feel like I’ve been in their shoes as far as that feeling rejected? Yeah. Or taking it personal or wondering, like needing validation and feeling like that. That’s love. If someone has sex with me, that means they love me. And like, That’s fucked up. Like I need a sex therapist to talk to you. Right here. Sessions. Literally, I need therapy because I know that that’s not healthy. Like where it’s coming from is like, my ego and like, some trauma or something. I don’t look so self aware. That’s amazing. And thank you, you know, I hear what you’re saying that like, Hey, I don’t want my sex life to be kind of run by my need for validation. But it’s so common. I’m actually really glad you brought this up because I pulled my Instagram audience and it was like 80% of people said they’ve used sex for validation. So this is like, kind of a hot topic. Actually. It is. It is. Yeah. So some women will be like, help me like how do I be horny like you? I’m like, I need validation. Sometimes because and I’ll reason I know, that is sometimes I do feel like I like the release of getting off leg. No. That’s pleasure. Like I like to prioritize my pleasure in my life. But I know when there’s times where it’s like, I don’t care about getting off at all. I need to know that I’m getting my husband off like the arm the person getting my husband off because I’ve been cheated on a million times in past relationships. Okay, and my husband has never ever even done a hairline of something for me to ever question his loyalty sounds great. Like the way you’ve described him. He sounds like a really good guy. He’s a very loyal person just in general. He’s To he’s a writer die kind of quality. Yeah, for sure. That is a good quality. I mean, he’s not a saint. Okay. Like, yeah, yeah. But he’s like an he’s an Aquarius. He’s such an Aquarius and tell us what that means. Yeah, I don’t know. Well, I have no idea what that means. But he’s wondering that because everybody says that actually the Aquarius because I remember the Age of Aquarius from like, the hippie era. So I think it really, yeah, kind of intellectual but like into, like progress and stuff like that and making change. He’s definitely like a leader for sure. Like, that’s another thing that I guess marriage, what we work on is because I feel like he’s a boss at work. And he’s like, the baseball coach. He’s always like leading, he’ll come home and be bossy to me. And I’m like, oh, yeah, I don’t see that going well with you. Let anybody run me over, you know what I mean? So we have a really good yin and yang. And I will credit, my mom and my dad, I was fortunate to have a really good example of seeing two people be really intentional in their marriage. And my mom, I don’t know if it was because of validation. But she was a pretty like sexual woman. Like, I remember going in her drawers and just finding like, way too many sex toys just like, way too many for one person need and oh my god. So the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Exactly. So I’m like, this is genetics. This is just genetics. Do you think that’s a factor? And like, I don’t think there’s like a right or wrong in terms of libido. But I think like you’re saying like, it’s good to notice where it’s coming from sometimes. Because I think sometimes it can come from looking for validation, I think we’ve pretty much all experienced that at some point. And then I think it also can be the reverse. Like, you might be shutting down your libido, consciously or unconsciously, for reasons that are not your ideal reasons. And that’s where I think some like trauma, healing and parts work can help too, because, you know, sex is vulnerable. And so it’s like, if we’re not feeling emotionally safe. And I know I’m not supposed to, like ask you questions now. But I can’t I have a question. For you. Totally. Yeah. And maybe this could help anybody listening thinking now like they’re wanting to get therapy? Yeah, is, I think, like, it sounds so daunting to go. Because you say like, to heal your trauma to look at all these parts, it sounds like I gotta find a therapist, and I gotta make it fit. I know, like it fits, and then I gotta unpack. And then it’s like, I can’t help it. I felt experiences where I feel like they want to drag it on as long as possible. And it’s like I’m wanting, and I’ve had really great, wonderful therapist that I didn’t feel like that. But how do you encourage people to, like, take that step, or like, I don’t know, I think everything you just said is kind of valid, to be fully honest. Like, I try to help people find a good fit for them whenever possible. And like, Whatever, I’m not a good fit for whatever reason. So I try to like not have my ego be in the way and I have a lot of compassion for how hard it is to find someone I’ve actually thought about starting a service where I like match people with therapists, because like the process of finding someone is so tough, but like, I’m so well connected. I’m on, you know, a list or with 1000s of sex therapists, sex educators, medical people that are sex counselors. And then I’m also in like, the Chicago sex therapist listserv. You know, I used to live there. I’m in like a kink and poly aware, Chicago therapists group. So like, and then I mean, all these Facebook groups with therapists, so like, all I have to do is send out a blast. And then I’m gonna get like a whole bunch of people were like, Oh, I have availability, oh, I specialize in that. And it’s just so much easier than I think what the consumer has to go through. So I wonder if I could offer that as like a concierge service at some point. But, but in the meantime, like, for people like, like, you were like, people, I know, like, I’m happy to just do that stuff for free. So it’s cool. I think there are some ways that people can look on I’ll just mentioned some things that people can do to find someone who’s I think this is really a question ZocDoc is a good option, you can, you know, look under behavioral health, it’s tougher to find sex therapists. And that is frustrating, because there’s not that many of us. And I don’t think there’s a way to search by that as a separate specialty aside from just general psychotherapy. But ZocDoc is nice, because you can at least see who has availability and like actually pointment and who takes your insurance if you’re trying to go through insurance, Psychology Today is another one. And there you can search by sexuality as a specialty, that but you don’t know people have the availability. So it’s always good to like, no, no directories, like put all the pieces together to like actually make it fully easy for people. And then a second would be the other one. So a sec.org is like the certifying body for sex therapists. So you can go there and look by your state, for example, but then you kind of have to, you know, go to each person’s website and reach out. So I do think the process of you know, finding a therapist can be too tough. I wish it was easier. But I also think people do have to be prepared to do the emotional work like you’re saying, and it’s kind of like if you don’t have the bandwidth to even like Do the search process, maybe you’re not totally ready to do emotional work anyways. I mean, my approach is to try and make the emotional work is light hearted and fun as possible. Because I do think it’s a heavy topic. It’s a sensitive topic. I like to really emphasize people’s strengths, you know, and lean into that as much as possible, because it’s worth it. It Oh, my God. I mean, it’s like, absolutely life changing. And I mean, even just, I also don’t think it always has to be therapy, even though I am a therapist. I mean, I work as a coach, but like, I’ve also worked with people who are not licensed and did hypnotherapy and had like, a life changing experience with that. I’ve also worked with energy healers and psychics and you know, I think there’s, I’ve done to Buddhist meditation classes, like there’s so many different paths. That’s really interesting. Yeah, there is so much. There’s so many options. There’s a way Yeah, so I feel like do the path that you’re drawn to, you know, I think, I think like people like you or me who are like pro therapy or have benefited or something. It’s kind of like kind of therapy. But you know, sometimes we have partners that are like, No, you’re pursuing or being intentional? And he’s like, no, no, he’s willing, if I was like, come with me to this, he would come like, he’s not a No, I think he’s just a little more cynical about it. He’s a little more like, that’s a person talking to you. And I mean, like, Who were they to? And I’m like, Yeah, more than, you know, it’s perspective and insight and just hear him out. But, ya know, I think willingness is like, the most important thing you could have in a spouse is a willing spouse. But you’re right with like, the trauma thing, and I think is kind of like a lifelong journey. Like, don’t go to therapy work, assuming I’m just gonna heal all my trauma goes to like six months, and then no more trauma. It’s all gone. And, you know, lifelong thing. It is. But yeah, it’s like you can make significant progress. And I think we keep making like more and more progress, figuring out how to work with trauma. But yeah, I like internal family systems for working with trauma, mindfulness, if people aren’t into that EMDR is a big one. I didn’t love that one as a client myself, but so many people swear by it. So many people say, I have my best friends like Jordan, you have to do it. But also in in tying this back to marriage, though, in regards like if there’s like, you can be intentional and date your spouse and do all these things. But if you have something like this, that needs to be unpacked, that you have to do the work, like it’s going to crop back up and crop back up. And so you have to address that at some point, because it’s going to follow you it’s like, it’s you. I think that’s I want to like emphasize that point for people listening because, like, I actually think mental health might be the sexiest quality you could bring to a relationship. I 100,000%. It’s emotional intelligence. Yeah. Like when you think about and when I guess when I think about what are the issues that people come to see me for what’s going wrong in their relationship? Yeah, it’s frequently that people aren’t managing stress, they have unhealed trauma. They don’t know how to regulate their nervous system. And so it’s actually a whole Yeah, emotional intelligence and mental health skills. Anyways, this has been amazing conversation. Thank you so much for like getting into all of this with I feel like I could talk to you for a really long time. I if I had more time, I would just go on and on and on. But yeah, that was interesting. And I think that people could get a lot from that. And maybe there may be therapy is something they need to consider. Even when it’s not that I think when times are not hard. I always think therapy is great no matter what, every time because it’s giving you another POV and maybe, you know, increasing awareness. I agree with you. And I think people oftentimes will do like five sessions until they’re like out of crisis mode, men stop, but there’s so much value and just being on that lifelong journey and looking at it like this is like going to a gym, but for your emotional health. Just like lifting those emotional weights. Thank you for having me. I had fun. Absolutely. So tell people where can they find you? If they’re wanting more of you? You can go to my website, the horny housewife podcast.com and find out how to listen my Patreon that has audio erotica, etc, etc. And you can listen to the horny housewife. Anyway, listen to podcast. Thank you, Jordan. It’s been so fun and I appreciate having you and all your support with the podcast you. Bye everybody.
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