025 Sex & The Single Life: Dating, Vulnerability & Freedom
I do want to say a few things. So yes, push yourself to be authentic. If you are not feeling it sexually say it. Don’t kind of traumatize yourself by like going along with something. You’re not doing anyone any favors. Also give yourself the opportunity to see how someone reacts to taking handle or the gracious about it. Do you still feel safe with them? Or do you realize like, Ooh, this is not a safe person. Thank God, I found this out before I had sex with that.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy, in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, I am excited to talk to you today about sex and the single life. So what do we even mean by that, we’re gonna get into the vulnerability of it all. Finding partners, putting yourself out there initiating, set, all sorts of things. So I am excited that you could join us for that. So we are going to do the review of that week. But there’s a good positive review. As always, you want to just thank you guys for the review that it was just like a delight for me to read them. Alright, here we go. So the review the week and remember, this is your review, if you hear your review, reach out to us, the email address is in the show notes. So if you’re on Apple podcasts, you can just scroll down the other ones, you might have to go to the episode details. So this one says educational and fun. These can be uncomfortable questions and conversation sometimes, but the conversations are honest and biting and frankly, wildly educational. Excellent. Listen, your partner will appreciate as much as you do love that very good thing to share with your partner. And I think I mentioned this before that sometimes bringing up sex with our partner can feel really sensitive and vulnerable. Sometimes people can feel attacked, and so we just, you know, don’t want to make them feel too attacked. So sharing like a neutral resource, whether it’s a podcast, a book, an article, something like that can really help people be open to it. And I would say you know, pick the format that they are most likely to listen to. So if you know your partner doesn’t really read books like me, like an audiobook, or, or something that they’ll actually be likely to do. Alright, so we’re going to get into our topic today. I want to start by talking about putting yourself out there. So when you are single, or if you’re polyamorous and dating or an open relationship, but regardless, when you’re putting yourself out there with a new person, yes, vulnerable, right? I think like all of our stuff can come up, right? Like, are we feeling attractive? Are we good enough? Do we have our shit together? Even one I think doesn’t get talked about enough. But I’ve experienced on both ends if people don’t have enough bandwidth. So I’ve been in situations where I’m kind of like, my focus is just kind of elsewhere, right? Or I’m tapped out or I’m managing some health issues or you know, whatever it is. And I’ve also dated someone in a position where they’re in a new job, or they’re dealing with depression, or they’re pretty newly sober, or some other fashion of you know, getting their shit together. That’s a real thing. So I think that’s important to realize going in. Now, we don’t want to get to the point where we’re being so perfectionistic, where it’s like, only if we’re the best version of ourselves that we have ever been here we put ourselves out there. No, no, right? Because then no one’s bad at that. It’s like, are we expecting perfection from other people, then, you know, like, that’s not what this is about. If you happen to be at your best ever and feeling the best about yourself. Amazing. But chances are, that’s not the case. Right? So cutting yourself some slack accepting yourself for the AGR for the weight you are for the wrinkles you have for the emotional baggage you have for whatever your financial situation is, I think it’s really important that we remember those external factors are who we are the core, right. And I’ve talked about self energy in other episodes. And so I’ll reference the IFS episodes in the show notes if you want to go back and look into the self energy thing But long story short self energy is our higher consciousness our best self calm, confident, clear headed, creative, curious about the world cup feeling connected to all of it. And I’m saying all this because I want you guys to realize like that’s who you are. That’s who all of us are at the core of our being and it’s very, very cool. So remembering that like even if maybe that’s not what’s at the forefront just knowing that like that is there that is your essence. And leaning in. This is where we can also use a lot better action. And then I have that episode, I think it’s number 10, about the sexual placebo effect where you kind of get more into the law of attraction. But you know, feeling attractive, what makes you feel attractive, and you lean more into that, right. And I’ve worked with clients with, you know, body image issues and concerns, they start going to the gym for like two weeks, and then all of a sudden, they’re feeling better, as their body change has they like, gained a bunch of muscle or washed a bunch of weight now, but they’re just taking care of themselves. And so each action we take is sending us a message, it’s sending us a message about how we feel about ourselves, are we treating ourselves like we’re good enough, are retreating ourselves with care and love that if we’re showing up for ourselves and taking care of our body, regardless of what the result is, we’re sending that message. And I think that applies with dating or seeking a sexual partner as well, like, are you sending yourself a message that you’re not good enough as you are. And I also want to be careful here to say, that doesn’t mean you should never work on your health first, or get your money in order first, because sometimes we want to do that for ourselves. Sometimes we want to just focus on something for ourselves first, before we give dating so much bandwidth and attention. And so the idea here, as you hear me say probably all the time, is making a conscious choice, right? So we’re not going with the default of here’s my checklist of why I shouldn’t have an order, we’re really checking with ourselves and seeing what what feels authentic and what feels right. You know, to be fully transparent with you guys. I’m a single sex therapist. So that’s always an adventure. When I actually applied for sex schools, I call it officially it was the sexual health certificate program at University of Michigan, but more fun to call it sex school. So when I applied for sex school, my age would write a little essay. And that’s what my essay was about. I was like, It’s hard enough, dating is a therapist, because you’re constantly greeted with always analyzing me or like, Oh, I know, therapy, let me tell you, like all of my innermost baggage on a first date, or like, oh, man, my ex could really use you or my mom could use you. So you’re just calling it the same, like three recycle wives. And so I’m like, Oh, my God, no, I’m gonna add sex therapists to that. skin can be a nightmare. But I was like, okay, I can handle it. I love it. All right. Like the last person I dated was like, Oh, well, it is kind of intimidating. But I’ve reflected on it and decided it’s ultimately a good thing. I was like, Okay, I appreciate that. Anyways, but the idea is, it’s okay to focus on other things. And so I’m in a place with my life where I want to focus on my health, I want to focus on my business, I want to focus more on friendships and dating. And I will also be clear, if someone really had amazing comes along with saying no, but it’s not where my attention is going right now. And I’m allowing myself to be intentional about that, which again, I also have this story of like, God, am I going to be like this sexless sex therapist, like what is happening to me, right. But it’s important to remember, sex therapists are just people Same applies to other professions, doctors are just people, nobody has all their shit together, we’re all just a bunch of humans with like, no idea what they’re doing at the time. And that’s actually what I love about my job is like, I get to see that I get to see that all these amazing, beautiful, super intelligent, accomplished people are also worldwide, because that is like the definition of humanity. And so that’s how I want you guys to approach dating with compassion for yourself with compassion for the people that you’re dating, right? And it doesn’t need don’t have standards don’t have boundaries, we’re gonna get into that as well. But it does mean, like all of the perfection, right? And just tune in to like, what do you actually want? Right now? What feels fun to you? What feels interesting? What are you curious about, and lean into that. So if it’s helping work in friendship, like where I’m at right now, amazing. And if dating and sex and finding new partners, also super amazing, right? Part of being single, I think it’s interesting, because we can go through different phases like that we can go through different phases, where we have different focuses where it’s a career focus, or is a health focus, or to travel focus, and, you know, different hobbies, you know, it’s like, cool, I’m gonna start a band, or maybe it’s like, I’m gonna take up painting and like, nurture my creative side, so we can really decide what to focus on, and do not have anybody else to run it by. So that’s what that’s one of the fun benefits of being single. I also think that can apply in a relationship, but just understanding that we are going to go through those phases, and it’s all good, and it’s normal. So that’s how you feel about ourself. What about finding someone to have sex with what the other person right? Because that involves, you know, either dating apps, which is kind of the common way to go out these days really, or getting out there and meeting people. And so that can really bring up different things for us. We might Find out how are we thinking about these potential people that we might be meeting? Are we thinking, oh God, are they gonna like me? Or are we thinking, oh God, am I gonna like them that actually can give you kind of a hint on your attachment style, which is fascinating. So if you’re kind of feeling oh God, are they gonna like me? That might mean that you lean more towards anxious attachment. And if you’re thinking, Oh, God, am I gonna find anyone I like that might mean, you’re leaning more towards avoidant attachment. So good thing to be aware of good thing to notice. Like, where you insecurities come up? Where do I have stories, right? Dating apps provoke so many stories for people? Genie app, SOG. Online dating sucks. I can’t be anyone on these ads. You know, everyone on there is a waste of time and a flake and no one ever meets up and I swipe these people and you know, they don’t even ever message me or the only messages I get are these like half bath like what’s up? Hi, how’s your day? And I will say, percentage wise, no, are factually correct with these things that you’re stating? But is that the energy you want to go with? Is that going to create the best result for you in your dating life? If that’s where your minds that your energy is one of your mindset, there’s like, Okay, if I put in, you know, 15 or 30 minutes a day swiping and messaging people, I’m probably gonna have a date every week, right? I’m gonna meet new people, I’m gonna figure out what I like, what am I you could just totally let go of the outcomes. You know, if I keep dating these people, if I wind up in a relationship, if I find someone to marry or have kids, where they’re spending the last part of my life where they’re wherever you’re at in your life, why don’t you just let go that is like, Oh, well, I kind of wanted to check out some museums, be fun to have someone to do these things with, you know, I live in Florida and have lots of outdoor stuff, maybe you want to go kayaking with somebody, maybe there’s live music you’re wanting to check out that your friends aren’t as into and like dating can be a vehicle for that. So finding something good, no matter how the date goes, it’d be so so, so helpful. Right? I know that when I’m having the most fun day, because I have dated a lot historically, when I’m having the most fun and just like I want to make this fun, regardless of what the other person is, like, I’m gonna pick something I want to do anyways, I’m going to be a little proactive about it, then you kind of just have a free time. And it’s like a win win. And then if you happen to also like the person or have some chemistry, amazing, even better, right? So all the fun, let’s have that beer Montra follow the fun. That’s why you can use regardless of relationship status, and it’s okay to take a break. So dating is not feeling fun. If you’re just not able to get into that mindset right now. It’s okay to take a break, right? I am not that person that’s going to be like, you know, you need to be out there fucking like rabbits all the time. Like, do your thing, right. And sometimes being really authentic is going out there and putting yourself out there and saying, like, Hey, I do want a relationship. And I do want to go out and meet different people and learn from it and have a good time ASA own that go out there and be like the most you that you could possibly be. And also being authentic might be like, I’m gonna take a break right now and focus on other areas, man actually feels really like nurturing and like self love to me right now. Right? Like I explained, that’s the case for me right now. So that’s what’s up with that. Now, let’s say we get to the next stage, and you actually do meet somebody, you’re kind of into them. And it seems like they’re kind of into you. And it’s new, right? And it’s fresh, and you don’t fully know each other, and you probably don’t let 100% have that comfort level established yet. And so there’s gonna need to be communication and you don’t know each other’s communication style. So there’s kind of a lot to talk about, right? And even when you get into the early stages of our relationship, you know, people talk about this even through like the first year of marriage, like you’re really figuring out, how does this person communicate? What are their values? What are they tend to do when they get stressed? You know, what do they do when they’re nervous, but when you’re first dating and getting to the place of you’re becoming sexual with somebody, you will kill any of this. It’s not figure out communication, but this is why dating is beautiful, actually. Because it’s an opportunity to practice you know, becoming more secure in relationship to practice your communication skills, to practice navigating consent and sexual boundaries, and to practice being really authentic. So if you’re somebody who struggles with being like a people pleaser, yeah. people pleaser is probably number one, actually, who’s struggled with that which many many of us do to push yourself to be authentic, right. And in a lot of times, I’ve worked with clients who said, I can’t bring that up. So early on, we’ve only gone through your four dates, and I’m like, Yes, you can’t. And personally, I want somebody who responds well, to me just being like straightforward and authentic. And so That’s your preferred communication style, don’t hold back at the beginning, because then they’re gonna think you’re like this to little like tiptoeing around things, delicate flower person. And if that’s not really your style, they just don’t do it. Right. So is it that opportunity for that, and I do have other episodes on consent and boundaries. So the number 12, why Consent is sexy, if you could check that out. And then the healthy sexual boundaries is episode 17. So you can check that one out as well. So I’m not going to go into like major detail on those. But I do want to say a few things. So yes, push yourself to be authentic. If you are not feeling it sexually, say it. Don’t kind of traumatize yourself by like going along with something. You’re not doing anyone any favors. Also, give yourself the opportunity to see how someone reacts to taking a no are the gracious about it? Do you still feel safe with them? Or do you realize like, Ooh, this is not a safe person, thank God, I found this out before I had sex with that. Because, again, really pro sex here would do this job. But six is not without risks, right? There’s different sexually transmitted infections we can get, depending on, you know, if your person with a woman of childbearing age, you know, there’s potential pregnancy application, if you or your partner in that scenario, it could happen. So be mindful of that. And yeah, make sure that you are screening things properly. So if you guys are curious about healthy sexual boundaries, and you know how I would kind of define that I do have a free checklist for you guys. So you can grab it at Heather shannon.co forward slash freebies. And it’s literally just called healthy sexual boundaries. I actually have a handful of freebies on that page. But the healthy sexual boundaries is great, because it prompts you to look at what’s going on in my body, like, am I feeling aroused? My feeling attracted? Am I feeling safe? Is this somebody I can have a conversation with about, you know, STIs and stuff? Okay, cool, right? Or is it like, I really approaching this because hydras, feeling a little needy, I just want them touch, I just want to feel wanted, but this person doesn’t seem like you’re in a great place, the vibes are like a little bit off, you know. And so that’s what we really need to kind of reflect on if it’s feeling authentically safe and comfortable for us. So push yourself get that tick. And then I did mention your insecure attachment might also get triggered, dating, frankly, can be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. And when I say dating, I’m using that term a little bit loosely. So this could also just be you know, hunting for a sex partner. You know, if you’re on like adult friendfinder, or FetLife, or something, I don’t care what website you’re on. But I’m just using the term dating in terms of meeting a new person, you know, you may become intimate with at some point. So it can be a roller coaster, though, right? So we’ve already established like, it’s going to challenge you, with your consent, with boundaries with being clear what you’re looking for, with communication skills with attachment style, with believing in, you know, that the type of person you’re looking for is out there, and bleeding your Linux. I mean, these are some pretty core areas of who we are, right? So just cut yourself some slack is kind of what I want to say like, this is not easy. It’s not for the faint of heart in many ways. I remember I haven’t therapist. This was during grad school. So when I was getting my Master’s in Counseling, I was seeing a therapist, and I think I was dating or exploring, dating and she was like, DD is the process of hurting at peak hurt. And you’re overthinking, like, and I love her. I remember the lecture, she shot that was like that. And, you know, now, I realize it’s like, she’s somewhat right, you know, I probably wouldn’t use those exact words. But like, we have to kind of be ready for that we have to be in a healthy enough mental place that we can take care of ourselves, and manage our emotions. And yeah, handle a little bit of that up and down emotionally. So hopefully, at this point, if you’ve been listening to some of the other episodes, you’re prepared, I do have Episode Three which the emotions of sacks nine, I’m know I’m mentioning so many more episodes than I normally do. But we will link to all of those in the show notes. And again, you can just scroll down on Apple podcasts by in the show notes. So I hope this stuff is helpful. Check out the free healthy sexual boundaries checklist. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash Fridays, and reach out. I love to hear from you guys. So do not hesitate to find me on Instagram. All those links, again, are in the shout outs. Find me on Facebook. We actually have a free Facebook community too, for podcast listeners. And when I’m doing listener q&a episodes, or if I’m going to be looking for someone who wants to be coached on the podcast. I will always go to that group first. So anyways, thank you all for listening and can’t wait to catch you next week with another on episode. Bye, guys. Hey friends. So I’m back with kind of an interesting opportunity shortly after recording this episode about sex in the single life. You know, I’ve been obsessively watching Indian matchmaking and now Jewish matchmaking, on Netflix. And it reminded me I’ve been meaning to set up a call with my former neighbor from Puerto Rico, we live in the same community, Amber Lee, she happens to be a matchmaker. So if this is something you are interested in, and I’ll be straight up with you guys, it’s a significant investment. So it’s not for everybody. But if you are somebody who maybe is more of a public figure, you don’t really want to be out there on public dating apps. If you are somebody who you know, is working a lot and is highly successful, and your time is just worth so much money, then it really could make sense to invest in somebody like Amber, she has been a professional matchmaker for 25 years. It’s very, very cool. She has great vibes, they have an amazing, they have amazing reviews, amazing track history. So if this sounds good, let me know. And they do have experience working with both Indian communities and Jewish communities if that applies to you. But especially if you’re somebody who really wants a partner of you know, a certain caliber, really high quality, they are going to get you access to those types of people. So this is going to be something that I’m only doing by kind of a personal email introduction. So hit me up. If you’re curious, I’d be happy to you know, answer some kind of basic questions, make sure that it could potentially be a good fit, and I’ll introduce you to Amber. So I hope that this is you know, maybe the opportunity someone has been waiting for or hoping for, and if that’s the case, reach out and I will connect you
Are you feeling stuck or shameful and your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life, and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
