027 Listener Sex Questions: Differing Kink Levels, Vaginal Prolapse, Nipple Orgasms and Rimming!
This is another good one. Guys are asking great questions. So this one says my girl has a prolapsed vagina. It’s not severe where it falls out, but enough where it can cause difficulties having sex, are there positions that will be more comfortable for her. She is more about pleasing me. And I really would like to please her as well. It’s mostly oral and fingering to have her climax. We would like to spice things up, but it can be difficult. I try to romance the hell out of her so she can remember I love her for her and I would never trade her for the world. Thank you. Like how cute is this question and I like feel the love so much. Love that.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship. I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, guys, it’s Heather, and I am back with another episode of listener questions. And you guys do not cease to entertain me with the questions. I’m going to admit I was a little bit grumpy today. My little bit I mean, a lot. And your questions totally cheered me up. And I found them very delightful. So keep sending them I will put the link to submit your questions in the show notes. So if you want your question to be on the next episode, feel free to post it there. And you can also just go to my website, Heather shannon.co. And if you go to work with me, there’s a section there where you can ask a sex question. And then you can just say where you want your answer if you want it on the podcast or one of my social platforms. And before we get into the questions, I am going to share the review of the week. This one was so sweet, says Thank you, Heather, you can just hear the genuine enthusiasm and Heather’s voice. You can tell she loves diving deep into the weeds to answer questions that most of us find uncomfortable learned a lot. So thank you so much for this review. I’m glad you picked up on my enthusiasm. I do love getting into the weeds and helping people feel a little bit more comfortable with sex topics. So if this was your review, you are eligible to win a book bundle of fun sex and relationship books. So just reach out to us and we’ll hook you up with that. All right, so our first question, this one was pretty detailed, but really thoughtful, which I appreciate it and I think you guys will as well. So our first question, this one’s a little bit longer, but I’m gonna read the whole thing because I think there’s a lot of really interesting nuances in here. So this one says, Hi, Heather. I’m a 34 year old man. I didn’t learn until my late 20s that I had any interest in kinky sex, I especially didn’t understand how anyone got off on using or degrading their partner. It all clicked for me when a girlfriend I was with at the time shared that this was her kink. It took almost six months of dating before she finally felt enough courage to open up about it turned out she loved it when I used her like an object that was just there to satisfy my last. As part of it, she got off and being called a slot or horror and occasionally for things to get rough on the ACT. At times we even experimented successfully with some consensual non consent scenes. The biggest surprise for me was that it quench your thirst I didn’t know I personally had. I don’t know if it was the pleasure I got from satisfying hurricane Hank or that the king just so happened to resonate with me, probably a bit of both. And I also found it hot that she knew exactly what she wanted. The relationship didn’t work out and we broke up after less than two years of being together. Currently, I’m engaged in my partner, and it’s the happiest and healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. The sex is spectacular. My fiance is very open minded about accepting and participating in my kinks. Even though she doesn’t identify as being kinky herself. I’ve truly gotten to live out some of my wildest fantasies with her. Even though my current partner is happy to indulge in kinkiness I find my mind wandering back to those times with my ex. At times I started feeling like there’s an itch that I can’t scratch because my fiance isn’t getting the level of gratification out of my own kinks that I like. I know it’s normal to reminisce on past sexual experiences. But I find myself wishing I could experience that feeling again, and I’m not sure what to do with that my fiance and I engage in some soft swapping, which I’ll get into some of the details of the jargon in here from time to time, but neither of us are down to have individual partners to play with independently on the side. Thanks for your help. So before I answer this, I am going to go through and just define a few things for everybody to make sure we’re all on the same page. Let’s see. The first thing I wanted to define was consensual non consent. So an example of a consensual non consent scene and the word scene is also something that people in the kink community tend to use about like a specific sexual interaction. So a lot of times people will play land or scene, right? And so it might be okay, we’re gonna do a scene about degrading or we’re gonna do a scene, that’s a roleplay. You know, we’re gonna do a student teacher roleplay. Or we’re going to do something about bondage and you know, being tied up or having a ball gag or something like that, until you kind of decide together, especially because, you know, everyone’s not always on the same page. And especially when people are trying things that aren’t kind of standardly agreed upon or widely accepted, there tends to be more communication upfront. So sometimes people will define their scenes or discuss their scenes ahead of time, sometimes people will just refer to a scene as a scene. So hopefully that explains that. And then consensual non consent. So for example, if you’re going to do and I’m going to abbreviate this as CNC. So if you’re going to do a CNC scene, you might plan ahead to do sort of like a rape scenario where someone’s saying no, or someone, you know, is like wanting to have the experience of being violated, but wants to kind of know deep down that they’re safe, and it’s all planned out. And these are types of scenarios where you might have a safe word. So if you want to have that experience of you know, saying no, or resisting, and having someone kind of push you or to kind of have that, you know, scandalous feeling or taboo feeling of the non consent, you typically will have a safe word, I would certainly recommend having one, sometimes people will just actually have the word safe word, sometimes people will do sort of a red, yellow, green, sometimes people will have a goofy word like orange or banana. And that means that the scene stops. And so even though you’re kind of acting out something that’s a violation or non consensual, you’re still really safe, and you’re still really in charge and able to end it at any time. So anyways, that’s what this person is referring to with consensual non consent. Okay, so then the next thing I wanted to get into is the reminiscing on the past sexual experiences. Yes, that’s absolutely normal. And I think the key part of this question is, I find myself wishing I could experience that feeling, again, of the partner being so enthusiastic about a kink or a fetish, right. And so it sounds like this is a couple that is monogamish, maybe. So mostly monogamous, but they’re doing some soft swinging. And so what that means like swinging is part of like this swing or community. So that basically means that you will swap partners with other people. There’s also singles in the swinger community. So sometimes a single will join, you know, a couple. So there’s all sorts of different dynamics there, like a soft swap, which is what this person is talking about typically means that there’s not penetration. So everything else is on the table. But penetration is taken off the table for a variety of reasons, right. And so some people choose to engage on that level, everyone kind of gets to decide their own thing, I do find that most of the swinging community, anyone who’s been doing it a length of time is pretty respectful about that stuff. So it does sound like there’s some options here for sexual experiences with other people, in addition to the fiance. So here’s what I’m going to get into. And this is actually an important, just kind of general emotional lesson. This is something I’ve learned through my involvement with the Life Coach School, it’s really our thoughts that are creating our emotions. So when it comes to sex, when it comes to any other area of life, for that matter, it’s our thoughts that are creating our feelings. And so what I would recommend to this questioner is to think back to that experience with the ex and get back into what were my thoughts in that scenario? Where the thoughts Oh, my God, I feel like so wanted or like, Oh, my God, I’m like driving her crazy, like she is so into this, right? And then what emotion What feeling in your body does that create when you’re having that thought? Because the really cool thing is, we’re in control of our thoughts, right? And we can actually generate emotions. And I don’t know if you guys will totally believe me on this. I’ve done it. I believe you can try it that let’s have this be one of your homeworks this week, from listening to the podcast, we can generate emotions, like on command. And I think sometimes what happens is the circumstances change, right? And sometimes our circumstances help us to have a different thought or catalyze a different thoughts, but they’re not actually responsible for how we’re feeling. It’s our thoughts that are creating the feeling that we’re having. So the reason I’m really emphasizing this is because sometimes I think we give away our power, you know, and I’m guilty of this too, for sure. You know, I work on it as well. You know, I remember being in a relationship that I just thought was the best thing since sliced bread. And it ended because we didn’t want the same things. And I was just like, Oh my God, will I ever To be that happy again, right? And so what I was doing was kind of like giving away all my power to this other person or to this situation, instead of noticing how did I feel? What was I thinking when I was in that relationship, right. And I remember that partner making me just feel like the sexiest woman in the world, and all these things that I was attributing that to him, but really what was happening is, my thoughts were telling me like, Oh, my God, I’m like, the sexiest woman in the world. And then I got to have that feeling of feeling that way of like, just like so like alive and like empowered, right. So that would be my first recommendation is kind of take radical responsibility, kind of, like, reclaim the thoughts and feelings for yourself. Because at the end of the day, we can’t control your fiance, she sounds delightful, but we can control her, we can control her reactions. So that would be one piece. My second recommendation for this case would be to really figure out, like, on a deep level, like what does it for her, what gets her to maybe the same level of, you know, enthusiasm that your former partner had, or what just gets her to her max of enthusiasm, whatever that looks like. And then is that something that can be integrated in some way. So even the idea of, you know, maybe one partner is in this is not exactly the same scenario, but the concept applies, one partner is more essential. And then let’s say another partner, you know, really wants to do more of like a power exchange, like someone is in charge of me, and like, I am not running the show. And I just like, do it, this person says, Well, you can find a happy medium, you know, there are sensual dumbs, you can be essential dumb, it doesn’t have to be rough, it doesn’t have to be a certain way. And so I’m wondering if there’s a similar kind of like happy, medium compromise, not even compromise, but like when when, where your fiance can really get the dynamic that does it for her on the highest level. And you can get the dynamic that does it for you and the highest level, because it seems like you’re really wanting her enthusiasm. So that would be a suggestion. And that’s really kind of working to change the circumstance a little bit to help facilitate your thoughts, you’re still ultimately radically responsible for your thoughts. So you’re not off the hook with that one anyways. And then the third scenario would be to look into the soft swapping, and like, is there a way you can have that experience, and I don’t know if you’re specifically looking for the using or degrading experience, or if they’re just maybe some other things as well. But I would say any kinks that she’s not into, I would seek those out with the partners that you’re swapping with, you know, actively be looking for someone who has some shared kinks. And this is one of the great things I think about the king community is it does not overly rely on penetration and intercourse to produce orgasm or to produce sexual satisfaction. There’s a lot of creativity, there’s a lot of like mental foreplay. And so I think that could be a really great fit for this off swapping. So I hope that answers the question. And thank you again, that I thought that was a great question. Super articulate as well. Alright, so we’re gonna get into the next one. So this one, this was also a very cute question. So this question comes to us from nipple curious Captain Ahab. They named themselves so cute. Okay, so here we go. Hi, I just found your podcast and really enjoying binge listening. Thank you so much. Question below. Can anyone regardless of their sex achieve orgasm through breast slash nipple play? If so, do you have any recommendations how to go about it, especially for a sis woman? I’m happily single and enjoy masturbation with and without toys, though I’m not really sure what I’m doing when it comes to nipple stimulation, starting to feel like it’s my white whale. We’d love to hear your thoughts is delightful questions. Can you see why these questions made me happy? All right. So great question. The answer is yes. sex, gender does not matter. In terms of nipple orgasms, it can definitely happen regardless. So that is good to know. That said, every body is different, right? Some of us have sensitive nipples. Some of us don’t. And I’m sure if you think about, you know, partners you’ve been with it probably has varied quite a bit from partner to partner. So my personal theory is there is just a difference in terms of, you know, nerve endings, and in which parts of each of our bodies are more sensitive than others. So I would keep that in mind. But the fact that you’re asking this question just makes me think it’s possible for you. So I feel good about that. And so I love that you’re comfortable with masturbating. I love that you’re experimenting with and without toys. That’s awesome. For nipple stimulation. I do have thoughts. I mean, unless you’re very talented. It’s probably hard to like look suck your own nipples, right? So that that can be a limiting factor, you might have to recruit someone else for that. However, I do think that you can play with different sensations. And I would really strongly encourage you to play with different mental turn ons and fantasies. Because really, it’s possible to have orgasms, and many are most of us have with zero physical touch, right? What dreams are mental, right? I know a lot of people with vulvas have also had orgasms in their sleep. So it’s like, if we’re capable of that, if our body’s capable of that, absolutely, you can have a nipple orgasm, right. So I would say maybe play with, you know, oils, I’m a big fan of coconut oil, because it’s super natural, but any oil that you like, to kind of get more of that slippery texture, if you want, you can play with sort of like a flicking motion, you can play with sort of a pinching motion, you can play with a twisting motion, you can also use, you know, nipple clamps, so that would be an option, the key with those, you might have to shop around a little bit. The cue with sex toys also is like, you really can’t return them, you know, so like, just make the most educated decision, you can, I would find a higher quality nipple clamp and something that’s adjustable, because you know, you don’t want the wrong amount of pressure, or pinching sensation. So that’s a way you could go with that. And then with those some of the nipple clamps have you know chains or you know, strings or something on them where you can pull on it a little bit. So that can be a sensation to experiment with. And there’s also nipple suction like tube things. So that would be another sensation to play with. So that would be my first suggestion is just kind of have this like smorgasbord of nipple play options. And just like go to town and take some time with yourself, right? Maybe you do sort of like a self massage of like your entire breast right, maybe you touch your whole body and kind of then focus on the nipples a little bit more. And then try some of these different options, and see what does it for you, right. And you might even want to experiment with different sections of the breast tissue and might be that sort of the upper section closer to like your neck is going to be more sensitive and might be the you know, underboob are the sideboob or the inner boob is is more sensitive. So I would say do sort of a mindfulness exercise to just notice, like, what makes you feel most alive, what makes you feel most turned on, and then lean more into that, and then combine it with the mental side. So whether you want to have like a visual elements, like if there’s any kind of porn that you like, if there’s more of just like a fantasy, if you want to have some kind of audio porn, Dipsy and Quinn are two apps, I can link to those in the show notes to kind of add some of that mental element for you. So I think that’s going to be really important. The other piece you could do is to kind of help rewire your brain, right? Because our brains have these neural pathways. And it’s almost like a path if you’re going on a hike, right? It’s kind of like, here’s the really like, well trod path. That’s like really entrenched in there, right. And then we have this other one. The other one is the nipple orgasm, that like we really haven’t done much there. That’s you know, you got, you got some work to do to like carve out a path. So it’s just going to take repetition, but I think pairing some of these nipple stimulations that you really like with kind of an old familiar way of organizing might kind of help your brain shift over to this new neural pathway as well. So those are my suggestions. I hope that that’s super helpful. And good luck to you nibble curious Captain Ahab, thank you for your question. So before we go into the next question, but I do want to share with you guys, I have a workshop coming up. I’m really excited about it. It’s free. It’s called Getting your sexy spark back. And I think you guys know by now I’m like pretty holistic. So this is going to focus both on sort of the inner spark. So like, what is it that lights you up inside? What is it that just makes you kind of feel yourself and like, feel sexy and amazing and vibrant? And then we’re also going to talk about what does it look like to create or recreate a sexy spark with someone else. So the workshop is going to be Tuesday, May 30. So this episode should be coming out the day before. So if you’re listening to this on Monday, it’s next day, if you’re listening to this early Tuesday, it’s tonight. If you’re listening to this Wednesday, you might be able to still registering at the replay. And so the registration is just going to be on my homepage. So if you go to Heather shannon.co Again, that’s Heather shannon.co. It’s just going to be the first thing you see on the homepage. You can click and learn more. And I will also link to the registration page in the show notes of this episode. So if you’re listening on Apple, just scroll down from wherever you’re listening Then it’ll take you right to the show notes. So yeah, so I hope it’s helpful for you guys. It’s going to be 7pm 7pm, Eastern Time, and also have a little q&a section. And I’m also going to share with you guys a little bit about my intimacy and fusion coaching program that is launching soon. So I’m really excited for the webinar. And if you tend to live, you’re also going to get a workbook. So I’m all about like kind of being action oriented. So you will get all the information, but then you’ll get the workbook that’s really going to help you apply it. So that’s only if you’re attending live. And I’m also going to be giving away two email coaching sessions to the people who are attending live as well. So go register for that. If you can’t make it live, that’s okay, you will have an option to have the replay as long as you register. So thank you guys, and I look forward to seeing you there. Okay, so now, we’re gonna get into questions three and four. Question three is pretty short. kind of hilarious. But I do want to answer this because I, I think there’s an important point here. So let me just read the question. Do you think a girl rimming a guy is good? So let me explain ribbing for anyone who doesn’t know, so rimming is licking someone’s anus, basically, do I think it’s good is a nuanced question. So I don’t tend to speak in absolutes, because I think the answer is typically, you know, it depends. I also have a very deep level don’t really believe in good and bad. So I would encourage us to remove those labels as much as possible, you know. And also, I want to say, while I am a therapist, and while I am a certified sex therapist, and while I am the host of this podcast, I don’t get to decide what’s good or bad for you guys, you get to decide, right? And you get to decide based on how it feels for you. And sometimes something feels bad for us because of our conditioning, I think, especially with sex, right? Because of our conditioning, because of the messages that we’ve gotten about, you know, what is acceptable, what is not, or this makes you a slot, or this makes you a prude, or that this makes you a player, or this makes you a bad boy, you know, or this makes you like a stud, you know, so I think that we get all these messages, and we get messages about what’s sexy, and you know, I could just go on and on. But none of it’s good. And one of them, none of it’s bad. And it’s just options. It’s just options that you get to choose from. And I think what I really want for all of you, is the freedom to choose, like, what if all of the options are okay? What if all the options could be great? You know, the only requirements I really have is it’s got to be between consenting adults, personally, I’m a safety girl. But I don’t even care if you want to be particularly safe, as long as you are risk aware, as long as you’re kind of educating yourself about like, okay, what are the risks? And is that something I’m going to make a conscious choice to accept that risk level? Because let’s face it, like walking out the door is not 100% safe, right? Sitting in our house is not 100% safe. So figuring out what risk level are you okay with. So that said, the only risk thing I would be really mindful of with this is, you know, health and sanitation, right. So stool bowel movements, poop, whatever you want to call it is not sanitary. And so you want to make sure the area’s super clean. But I think that’s really great advice in general, like if we’ve been like sweating, and I’m not not a germaphobe at all. Like if we’ve been sweating, if we have had any kind of like bacterial issues like that stuff that we can like spread to somebody else. So the more we can just kind of be as fresh as possible, or just do a little refresh before being sexual, I think that is going to help to prevent any kind of bad bacteria on our skin, in our body in our mouths, etc. So that would be my only concern. So I would say, I would just say, do your research on that. Make sure you’re comfortable with the risk level? And go ahead if it seems fun, right? And the other piece, I would say, you know, because I know, I’ve had moments where I try something new sexually, and I kind of realized who I liked that what does that mean about me? Is that bad? Right? I’ve had that moment, too. Then I got past it was kind of like, Oh, what if this doesn’t have to mean anything? What if this doesn’t have to mean that I’m like a different type of person? Or that I even have to be a certain type of person to enjoy this? What if I’m just a person who enjoys this? And so let’s just start questioning that. So thank you so much for that question. And then the last question I’m going to cover today. This is another good one. Guys are asking great questions. So this one says my girl has a prolapsed vagina. It’s not severe where it falls out, but enough where it can cause difficulties having sex, are there positions that will be more comfortable for her. She is more about pleasing me and I really would like to please her as well. It’s mostly oral and fingering to have her climax. We would like to spice things up but it can be difficult. I tried to run hands the hell out of her so she can remember I love her for her, and I would never trade her for the world. Thank you. Like, how cute is this question and I like feel the love so much. Love that. So I do want to also define prolapsed vagina, right? It’s, it can actually be a few different things. So a vaginal prolapse, I’m going to read this definition of vaginal prolapse is a weakness around the vagina that allows the uterus rectum bladder urethra, small bowel or the vagina itself to fall from their normal positions. It says in and around a woman’s vagina is a support network of muscles, ligaments, and skin, all holding organs, tissues and structures in place in the pelvis. If parts of the system weaken or break, these organs can fall or prolapse. And if neglected, they can fall farther and farther into the vagina or even through the vaginal opening. So there’s some logistics to keep in mind here. And this is from John more health.com that I just read that we can link to that in the show notes as well. So there’s some logistics to consider here that you know, if there’s a penis inside the vagina, it could be hitting all these organs right in causing some discomfort. So the absolute number one thing I would recommend is for your partner to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist if she has not done that already. So there are things that they can do to help moderate or heal or improve vaginal prolapse, they actually have different levels of vaginal prolapse. So it kind of depends, if it’s like a level one, two, or three, some are going to be pretty easy to fix, some are going to be more severe, they do have something called like a pessary. That’s a little procedure where they can put something in place. So if the you know, the muscles and the ligaments are not as strong, they can put this little device in place to kind of help hold everything up where it needs to stay. So there’s options that, you know, this doesn’t have to stay permanently how it is. And I do think in the area of sexual health, sometimes we’re just so uncomfortable that we don’t seek help, you know, I was kind of reflecting on how I was as a kid. And this is probably part of why I became a sex therapist, because I was like, deeply uncomfortable, originally and have had to overcome a lot of that. But I remember the idea of like getting my period, and I’m like, oh my god, I would never go like ask the nurse for like, a maxi pad like that would be so humiliating. And it’s like why it’s a body doing a thing that bodies do, right? So I think the more we can get past that, the more we can be healthy and do what we need to do for our body. So anyways, I hope that that is helpful. But in the meantime, until the prolapse is kind of you know, fixed or addressed. What do you do sexually, I think you’re already on the right track. To be fully honest, I think the oral sex and the fingering are great, because they’re not focused on you know, depth of penetration. And that’s going to be my advice for any kind of penetration positions to is you want to avoid going really deep, right. And so control can be one important tool. So really more so I would say than a certain position is controlling your depth, you can also control your speed so that if you’re not estimating the depth perfectly, you can adjust quicker, you know, if you’re kind of going really fast, you know, there might be more bumping into those organs that are prolapsed, if you’re going slower, it’s probably a little bit easier to control. So that would be one suggestion. There’s also these like sleeve types of things or little like donut things that you can put on the penis to reduce the depth. So that could possibly be a great idea where then you could do kind of any position and the penis just won’t go fully in and you don’t have to fully manage it. So I will find one of those and link to that in the show notes as well. And then yeah, my other thought would be I would avoid doing any sort of, you know, like missionary where you’re putting her legs over your shoulders or like pushing her knees into her chest. Those types of positions are going to increase the the depth of the penetration, which we don’t want to do in this case. So I’m going to leave it there today. I do think a pelvic floor physical therapist could answer this in more detail. That’s kind of more of their zone of genius than it is mine. But I did want to give you some tools on that because vaginal prolapse. It’s one of those things that’s like wildly common, like wildly common. I don’t want to misquote it, but I’m gonna Google this really fast for you guys. What’s the, let’s see. 1/3 Okay, so vaginal prolapse is relatively common, about 1/3 of women will experience some degree of prolapse during their lifetime. And there’s different risk factors for it. So it’s that common one out of three women and no one talks about it. What the fuck, right? So anyways, share this episode with your partner if they have a prolapse, right like this is important stuff that we need to be talking about. And women’s health in particular is often you know, omitted or invisible. So I do think it’s important that we spread the word about these things. So anyways, that’s our questions for today. I am so excited again by these questions. Thank you for submitting them went a little bit longer than I planned on today. If you guys are liking the show, and you’ve been listening to multiple episodes, especially, make sure to follow and subscribe to the show that actually helps us show up higher in the charts and helps more people find us and it takes like one second. So whatever link you clicked, you know, initially to get on the show, there’s a button that says follow at the top right by the podcast art. Just click on that’s it. And then you’ll also get the episodes downloaded to your phone automatically so that you don’t miss any. So that is it. Everybody. Thank you so much for listening, and I will catch you next week bye
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