029 Am I Queer? Are You Queer?
I don’t have to explain my entire philosophy and mentality. So there’s practical concerns and reasons why labels are super helpful. But I do want us also to realize, you know, are we putting ourselves in a bucket? are we limiting ourselves? Are we not being open to something? Are we not questioning? Because we’ve already put ourselves in this certain label we’ve defined ourselves.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy, in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, excited to talk to you guys today about am I queer? Are you queer. But before we get into it, we’re gonna do the review of the week. And this week’s review is short and sweet. The title is such a fun show. And it says Heather is great at what she does. And everyone in all caps should have this podcast in their regular rotation. Have to say it’s hard to argue with that. Thank you so much for that review. And again, if you hear your review, read, reach out to us and we will send you a bundle of sex and relationship books or audiobooks or whatever you’re into. Alright, so I have a little bit of a preface. First of all, if you’re watching this on YouTube, I’m just gonna apologize for the background, I just put together my standing desk, which I’m using now, for the very first time, which feels exciting, but there’s like boxes and piles of things. So if you’re on audio, just consider yourself lucky. Alright, so preface, we’re going to define queer is something that is an identity. It’s a label, and it indicates not heterosexual and or not cisgender. And again, cisgender means that you don’t identify with the biological sex you were assigned at birth. Or I’m sorry, you do identify cisgender means you do trans mean judo. So that’s important to realize. And then there’s a bunch of terms. So queer is an umbrella, right? So gay can fall under queer, lesbian can fall under queer, bisexual can fall under queer, trans can fall under queer gender fluid. As you can see, it’s like a catch. All right, it’s anything that’s not sis hat is it’s abbreviated, cisgender heterosexual person. So that is important for the rest of the conversation. And then I also want to just say, this episode, I’m not trying to answer any questions for you. I’m just trying to get you to think if I’ve done my job, you will leave with more questions than answers. And that’s kind of the idea. Like, let’s just question things, you know, what’s kind of be curious and processing. And maybe we don’t even have to come to any conclusions. And that could be great. I do want to also have a little disclaimer that I am a cisgender, white woman, I am hetero presenting. And also, I wanted to add that I have a Buddhist background, and I’m a big fan of Eckhart Tolle. And so a lot of the spiritual work that I’ve done, kind of indicates like maybe we don’t need labels, we are all one. We’re all kind of part of source energy. And so I just want to kind of acknowledge that. My personal belief, though, is that we benefit from labels, and we’re harmed by labels. It’s not like an either or it’s like a both for me. So I don’t think they’re inherently good or bad. I think it’s just important to realize that they’re both and so that’s part of my intention for this episode as well. So why do an episode on am I queer? Are you queer? I have questioned if I am bisexual at different points, I have thought that the term bi curious would really apply to me earlier on in life. And it was interesting, because I remember growing up seeing some porn for the first time of women and be like, Oh my God, that’s so hot, and feeling really turned on. You know, I’ve talked to other women about this. And sometimes you can feel like there’s actual sexual attraction. And sometimes it could also feel like, whoo, I want to be like that I want to be so attractive or so feminine. And so I still can’t answer that question. which one it was, for me, maybe a little bit of both. Maybe there was a taboo element, not sure. And so that kind of got me questioning a little bit, but then when I thought about who I had a crush on, it was always boys at school. Having a crush on a girl never really entered my mind. And so it kind of existed more in a fantasy realm than it did in real life, which is something we’ll touch on a bit more. Fast forward a bit. You know, I do some dating. I do some you know, making out with different people. I wind up in a long term relationship. couple of years, and that relationship winds up ending. And so then I was kind of like, maybe this is good, maybe there’s some things I haven’t explored, that I want to explore. And so I did some exploring, right. And I tried some things with women. And my takeaway from it was, Oh, interesting. I’m definitely more attracted to men. And I have to say, hard news very disappointed in this. It was kind of like, oh, well, then why was I having those fantasies and kind of like, almost like, I had a little bit of a different expectation. And so it was like, okay, not much chemistry, there. Not much attraction, even when there’s a guy who I like, don’t think is like the coolest human and like a woman who I think is pretty awesome. And like, very attractive. There’s still just more of that pole with guys. So I was like, okay, all right, that what’s going on, then maybe it was like false alarm with the porn that I saw growing up, right. So go about my merry way. And then there’s some other experiences in more of a sexually charged environment. And I’ll just kind of define that, broadly, I think a sexually charged environment could be something like Mardi Gras, or like Carnival in Brazil, or a BDSM dungeon or a swingers party, anything where it’s like, people might be hooking up here, there’s a higher chance of some sexual activity happening, that kind of thing. And so I discovered in a sexually charged environment, I did have some poll to some women in certain specific contexts. And so for myself, I kind of choose No Labels, there’s kind of been like a little bit of a fuzzy, whatever, around the whole subject. And, you know, it was not like, oh, I want to be dating women or anything like that. I have hooked up with a non binary person, but that person was assigned male at birth. And that’s a whole other conversation, but we’re gonna get to that too. What’s your sexual orientation if you’re attracted to a non binary person, and I think, and actually find this very invalidating of non binary people that we go by the biological sex they were assigned. So I think a lot of men who are with a non binary person who has a vagina identify as straight still. But in a strict sense, that doesn’t make sense, because the person you’re with is not a woman. And vice versa. Same could hold true. If it was a woman with somebody who has a penis, then they’re kind of like, oh, they say they’re non binary, but I still consider myself straight. So we got a whole thing there. And I’m sure we’re just going to be polarizing all over the place. In this episode, I’ll be very curious what you guys think and what your responses are. So don’t hesitate to reach out. So that’s a thought. I’ve also been attracted to trans men. But for me, it was like there’s a masculine energy this person is a man doesn’t like change my self concept in any way. But some people might not think that’s totally straight. I think we hopefully you’re trying to pick up on this at this point. But it’s kind of like the further down the rabbit hole we get, the more fuzzy the line is, there’s no like solid line of like, okay, under the line, you’re not queer over the line, you’re queer. It’s just not that clearly defined. So some people might think I’m queer, some people might think I’m not. I’m kind of like, whatever. You could call me whatever you want. I mean, like, who I like when I like them. So this is my story. And so as part of why I’m so fascinated with the topic, let’s get into a little bit of, you know, what does determine queerness? How do people decide if they’re queer or not queer? And part of what came up in my story is this idea of fantasy versus reality? So what do you fantasize about, versus what you actually enjoy in real life and the physical world? And so there’s a lot of fantasies in general, that we don’t even want to try or don’t even want to make real. I think I’m just too curious, like, leave any of my fantasies alone? Probably part of why I became a sex therapist, I don’t know. So that’s important to keep in mind. Because, frankly, who hasn’t thought about at least some kind of sexual interaction with someone of the same gender? I think it’s crossed all of our minds at least. Or at least like, oh, wow, I like really like looking at that person or like, wow, and again, do you want to be the person or you’re attracted to them? Fine Line, sometimes I think it’s a little bit of the same thing. So that’s one thing to consider. The other really big picture I want you guys to consider is culture and context. So culture is a context culture is the larger context of the society that we live in. And it’s like, what are we seeing? How are people who identify as queer being treated? Is this a desirable things it’s not a desirable We’ll thing and that can impact how we proceed. I do think it’s interesting to consider different contexts people go to jail, there with people generally of the same gender. I don’t know how they break it down in terms of gender and biological sex in jail. But the whole idea is sometimes people flip, quote, unquote, flip when they’re in jail. But I think it kind of shows who we’re interested in having sex with, and who we’re attracted to, is context specific. And so I’m like, what if the default was that everybody was gay, that, you know, dinner or whatever was better, considered better by society to be gay? What if there was like, rewards financially from the government? or what have you, like saved on your taxes? What then would it be like, oh, yeah, cool. Like, I’m a little gay, you know, are people gonna like kind of want to claim that want to identify? And so I think that’s a factor, for sure. But I think cultures where it’s more forbidden, or there’s more strict punishments to be gay, I’m sure there’s a lot fewer people who have come out, right. So it’s like not an accident. It’s like, what does the culture encourage? What does the culture punish? How much is it encouraged? How much is it punished? I mean, in the US, this varies state to state, it varies city to city and vary school to school, to guy that got the big culture. And then you’ve got the very specific culture of like, Who are you around day to day. And then we also have the context. And I mentioned that you could be in a very highly sexually charged environment, you could be in jail, you can meet a really not sexually charged environment at all, you might be attracted to a smaller portion of people, you might not like being in a sexually charged environment that might turn you off to everybody. The idea is, I just want us to consider, I think, who were attracted to is more context specific than we would like to admit, sometimes, of course, I think there’s biological elements. I think there’s hormonal elements. I think there’s genetic elements. You know, it’s not this, like simple humans are not simple. I think we know that. So in our culture, we also have something called Bio ratio. So the idea that we kind of erased bisexuality, I think this is especially true with men, and I am going to be doing an upcoming episode on that, which I’m really excited about. It’s gonna be fun and juicy. You know, it’s kind of like, he’s not really bisexual. He’s just like, on his way to being gay. Let’s be real, right? I think that’s what the dialogue is. And I see this with women who are with a bisexual man, kind of like, oh, well, is he really into me? Yes, he can be really into you. I’ve talked to enough guys who identify as bisexual that like it is a real thing. And for some reason, culture, it’s more okay for women to identify as being bisexual, right? Then it’s like, hot and sexy. And then like, people think about, oh, I could like date this girl, like, maybe we can have a threesome with another girl. And then that’s hot. You know, people like watching two women together. And so it’s it is a little bit more encouraged or celebrated than male bisexuality. And so then, when we do research about people’s sexual orientations, it shows that women are a lot more likely to be bisexual women are a lot more likely to be sexually fluid than men. I think, personally, the data is skewed because of the culture. And I think we have to realize that we internalize culture. So even if this is anonymous data, we don’t let ourselves go there. Because we think it might be bad, it might be shameful. What would this mean about me if I identified this way? So I think that’s important. Also, I think that biracial part of it is, you have options, right? So like, if I’m attracted to people, regardless of sex, or gender, or let’s say, I want to have babies, I have the option to just go find a cisgender, dude, and go have a baby with them. So that might make my life a little bit easier. I don’t have to go through finding a sperm donor or like shooting myself up with hormones or, you know, anything like that. So there’s the societal by erasure. There’s the baby making factor, and there’s having an option. So if the culture is such that it’s just kind of easier not to say you’re bisexual or have to come out, a lot of people are just going to choose not to. So I think we have to realize all of these factors, because really, what I’m trying to say is I think we’re all a lot more queer than we’d like to admit, as a society. And then the last point that I want to make, actually is not actually more. So the idea of fluidity. So I think that I know that there’s different periods of time that we go through. There’s time periods where we have a higher sex drive in general. There’s periods of time where we’re just more exploratory. We’re figuring some things out. We’re trying some things to see what we really like. And I think that’s one of the best ways to figure it out. And as long as you’re upfront with people about like, Hey, this is where I’m at, I don’t have it figured out and they’re able to consent and make their own adult decision. Cool. You don’t want to be obviously misleading somebody. So different fluidity. So there’s friends I’ve had were bisexual, where they go through a period of dating women more and then a period of dating men more, or they might prefer dating men, but they like being sexual with women, but they’re not really interested in a relationship with women. So there’s a lot of different ways, how this can manifest and how it can look to be queer. And I think that’s important too. And that’s part of why I love the word queer, because it’s almost like, don’t try and pin me down. Like, all I’m giving you is I’m not totally sis hetero. And beyond that, I’m gonna do what I want, right. And so there’s a little bit of rebellion about the word queer, which I really like. So fluidity in different periods of time is another thing to consider. And then lastly, we have different motivations for sex, so things can get real blurry here. So Dr. Joe court has a big tick tock following, he was one of my teachers in the University of Michigan sexual health certificate program. And he talks a lot about men having sex with other men. But those guys are straight, just fascinating. And so then you’re like, why? Are those people not queer then Right? Like, how do you identify like, we’re really blurring the lines now, you know, it could be that they feeling so wanted, sometimes there can be a desire by gay or bisexual men to have sex with a straight guy, or a guy who’s just really masculine, for example. So there’s somewhat of sometimes a pecking order in terms of that. And so for a straight guy to feel really wanted or to feel like he has like, a power or to feel like maybe just connected to. So there’s a lot of motivations for sex beyond just sexual attraction. But like, how do we know? Do we even know for ourselves? Like, what percentage of my motivation right now is because I want some oxytocin from touching, and it feels good. And what percent of my motivation right now is lust filled, and what percent of it is to feel emotionally close and connected with my partner? And so like, we’re not really stopping to analyze that. I actually think there’s a lot of times where we’re not necessarily feeling sexually attracted, but we can still enjoy sex. And if you look at people who identify as asexual, they would fall into these categories, too. So some people who are asexual have an aversion to sex, and it’s like, no, no, no, not for me. Whereas other people still might enjoy it on some level, right. And asexual people often masturbate because they still enjoy the touch and the sensation and the release. So I think it can get a little bit dicey there with all of the different reasons that people do what they do with whoever they do it with. Again, it’s like, where do we draw the line. So I hope this was helpful for you guys. I hope you consider it a label, something that helps me and I do want to mention, labels can really give us a sense of belonging, labels can help us know that we have community, that we’re not alone, that nothing is wrong with us. And those are really important things. I also want to add that a label can just be practical. Personally, I would say I’m hetero flexible, which is a fun term. We don’t have time to get into it, but I think you can get the gist. So that’s a nice little one word thing I can say. That gives people a sense. I don’t have to get into half an hour conversation. I don’t have to explain my entire sexual history. I don’t have to explain my entire philosophy and mentality. So there’s practical concerns and reasons why labels are super helpful. But I do want us also to realize, you know, are we putting ourselves in a bucket? are we limiting ourselves? Are we not being open to something? Are we not questioning? Because we’ve already put ourselves in this certain level we’ve defined ourselves. That’s how our ego works, too. And, again, not a bad thing. But how much is the ego running the show? versus how much are we just being in ourselves energy, being confident and calm and connected to people and allowing and spacious versus like, No, this is how it has to be, this is who I am. So that’s all I would say for you guys. So whatever identity or label you have around queer, not queer, hetero trans sis, maybe just like entertain the idea of loosening the grip a little bit on that. So I hope that was helpful for you guys today.
If you are into this episode, you want to listen to some other similar episodes. You might want to check out episode 28 BDSM play parties in queer sexuality with Christiana boom, Episode 19 listener sex questions, and Episode Six fucked up ideas about sec. So thank you guys for listening. I’ll catch you next Monday.
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