03 The Emotions of Sex
This is the Ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, today we’re going to talk about the emotions of sex. So this is going to include the general emotional rollercoaster that some of us are on in relationships, dating sexual situations, and in our last episode about communicating about sex and building that inner security, part of what I refer to as managing emotion. So we’re also going to talk about how can we manage our emotions for ourselves so that we can show up as the best version of ourselves. And I’m going to get a little bit more into the internal family systems method of therapy and coaching, which is something that I really love, I think it’s very true. Compared to other methods I have been taught, I think it gets it some really core root issues that we have and heals them at that foundational layer, which I can’t say about a lot of other methods and approaches. So I’m excited to share a little bit about internal family systems with you as well. And just to hopefully, increase your confidence and being able to manage your emotions and smooth out that emotional roller coaster a little bit. So I want to start by saying sex can bring up a lot of feelings, a lot of emotions, and it is important to be able to manage them, it can bring up some really feel good emotions. So I want to make sure we’re giving that side a little bit of coverage as well. You know, you can feel empowered, you can feel free to express yourself, you can feel connected and bonded with someone, you can just feel pleasure and bliss and joy, so many wonderful upsides of sexuality. And it can also show us where we’re not in alignment with ourselves. And what I mean by that is, where are we just kind of just connected? Where are we feeling kind of icky? Where are we feeling insecure? Where are we feeling? Angry, uncomfortable, anxious, any of that that’s all a signal, right? So it’s like we have evolved as humans over 1000s of years, to have these emotions for a reason. And part of why I wanted to have this be an episode is because our culture by and large, still relates to our emotions, is sort of a nuisance. You know, it’s like we’re allowed to feel happy, we’re allowed to feel competent, but not too confident, actually, we wouldn’t want to make other people feel insecure. So only a little bit of confidence. And then there’s a lot of emotions were like, Hey, you can feel sad, like if someone dies, but like maybe just for a few days, and like, you can feel angry if someone does something like really shitty due, but not if it’s just like garden variety, shitty. So there’s a lot of sort of what we’re gonna call exiling of emotions. So let me break down internal family systems, because I know I’m gonna keep referring to it the whole episode. So with internal family systems, one of the things that distinguishes it from other types of parts work. So you might hear about, like, working with your inner critic working with your inner child. And there’s actually a lot of approaches to healing that include working with parts or aspects of ourself. One of the things that sets internal family systems apart is that you’re working with your parts from yourself energy, you’re not relating, you know, part to part like you have an inner I have an inner therapist or coach that thinks that it’s in charge and like knows things right, but it’s not myself energy. So sometimes we have a part like my inner coach, relating to another part, like my anxious part or a fearful, fearful part, or one that is afraid of abandonment or something like that. And so we want to ask those other parts to step aside so that we can be in our self energy. How do you know if you’re in self energy, I will explain so you might feel a sense of calm, you feel a sense of connectedness, which is really cool and interesting, because that sense of connectedness does not come from connections with other people per se, or like it’s not conditional on those connections with other people going a certain way. It’s this very unconditional connectedness feeling that can come from within you, which is very cool and very important in terms of relationships and sexuality. So you might feel those ways you might feel curious, creative. So an internal family systems, they have like eight see words, I’m not going to remember all of them on the spot, but I’ve given you a bunch, but there’s also qualities like playfulness, there’s also qualities like feeling intuitive. There’s also an important distinction in terms of being versus doing so the self energy tends to be more of a being state of I’m actually currently in Hawaii and at Hearts hold a retreat, which I’ll be going to in the afternoon. And the name of the retreat is the depths of being. And so he started talking to us last night about how we all have plenty of doing in our life, right. And so as human beings, the human part often involves a lot of doing. But the being part is something that we’re often not as strong with. And so getting in that state of being, so our self energy is already quite masterful. It being self energy also has a lot of clarity, which is pretty cool. So even though it’s not super action oriented, it kind of has this clear vision for making decisions in your life and deciding which direction to head in, which is really cool. So once we get into that self energy, then we can relate to our parts that are getting triggered or feeling reactive. And you can think of it as like an internal parent to ourselves, and we can feel, you know, love towards those parts of ourselves. So a big part of this is befriending our parts. And there’s three different types of parts and internal family systems. So we have our manager parts, and those are ones that are emotionally pro proactive, they’re kind of like, let’s seek out any potential threat, nip it in the bud before it even happens. And make sure everything stays smooth. Make sure we’re not getting triggered if we can help it and we’re staying in like a good place and enjoying our lines, right. So you can probably see why those parts are necessary. And I do want to be clear about that. We’re not trying to get rid of any parts in this whole process, we’re trying to support the parts help the parts understand the parts, it’s very much not a forceful approach. It’s very much respecting the way the parts are and the way that they’re organized as a system with each other. And then we also have firefighter parts. So the firefighter parts, I think, get a really bad rap. And you’ll understand why in a moment. So the firefighter parts are more reactive. So this would be something like any kind of device, whether it’s, you know, overeating, over drinking, smoking, you messed up being compulsive about sex, anything like that. It’s also just a general avoidance. So if you’re kind of like, No, thank you, I don’t really want to feel that feeling so much. That’s a firefighter part are like I’m gonna bury my head in the sand. That’s a firefighter part. And I kind of think of it as like, we have a house, right? The house gets a little wastebasket fire will smell fire, it’s like, oh, Alert, alert, we’re feeling some feelings we don’t want to feel. And so the firefighters come in with their fire hoses, and they’re like, oh, no, we have to get the fire out to the building doesn’t burn down. We don’t want anyone to die in the building. Like we got to, like put this out no matter what. And so they do, right, so the fire is put out, but then there’s collateral damage. It’s like, oh, all the furniture got wet. Oops, oh, we have a mold issue. Now, that’s a problem. So we got to replace all the furniture, I gotta get some mold remediation done, to be able to really safely inhabit this house. So that’s kind of why firefighters get a bad rap because of the collateral damage that their approach or methods results in. I don’t know the last category of parts is an interesting one. So they’re not really trying to protect us so much are sort of that kind of role. They’re the exile parts. And so we actually banish them to like the dark basement corner of our psyche. And then we actually layer in the managers and the firefighters to keep them away. Because we’re kind of like, these are terrible, we don’t want ever feel them. And there tend to be things like shame, feeling not good enough, feeling unlovable, unworthy, it could also be a sense of feeling too vulnerable to the point of feeling unsafe. And so those are all vanished. So even though these parts are like, quote, unquote, vanish, they’re, in a way, kind of creating the whole structure of our internal system, because their other parts spend so much of their time and energy keeping the exiles
at bay. So why this is relevant to sex is that sex can bring up a lot of feelings sex can bring up shame, sex can bring up feeling not good enough, right? So it can tap into those exiled parts and then kind of set set the whole system on fire a little bit, right. So this might come up, you know, I’ve worked with clients where they were worried that their sexual interests weren’t okay or healthy or their sexual behavior wasn’t okay or healthy. And I think the way society is set up, you know, there’s a pretty narrow vision societally of what’s okay sexually and what’s not okay. And so, anything that we’re kind of I’ve heard Don’t know if this is a socially acceptable part of me when it comes to sex, we just try and like exile it right like that’s how our exiles get exiled just like we get the message from our family or from religion or from school or from the government or just from the culture at large that like, this is not an okay part of ourselves. And so we banish it, and then we kind of wonder, like, Is this part of me, okay, like is this is I don’t know, like, who can I even talk to about this? And that’s, you know, where sex therapy comes in. I’m here for it. I’m not going to judge you. But, you know, we can also experience confusion, we can even experience ambivalence. And that’s an interesting one when it comes to parts, because we might have one part that’s like, Ooh, I want to do all the like, kinky, freaky BDSM stuff. And then we might have another part that’s like, oh, that’s what who would I even be like, that’s not the identity I want to have. I want to be like, a romantic, loving central person. And this doesn’t fit with this, right? So like, our beliefs come up, and they conflict with each other? And then we’re kind of like, how do we how do we work with that? How do we move forward, and feel like we’ve kind of integrated all the parts. And so a lot of that comes from listening to the parts. And we do that by tuning into our bodies, and noticing, you know, where the part is in our body. So one example I like to get for this is anxiety. We’ve all experienced anxiety at some point. And typically, when I have clients kind of tune into their bodies and see like, where is that anxiety, it might feel, I would say is most often in the throat or in the chest. And so you could kind of check in those areas of your body next time you’re experiencing anxiety and just see like, do you feel tension there? Do you feel like almost like a knot? Do you feel like a fluttery feeling and so there’s there’s all these different qualities of energy that we might feel with different emotions, I think anxiety is probably one of the ones I would say to start with in terms of feeling it in your body, because I think that we can mostly connect with that one. Another one would be like, Dread, or if you have a pit in your stomach, that’s, that’s another one that’s pretty, I think, easy to connect with easy to recognize. But then there can also be ones that are a little bit more subtle, a little bit more difficult, not as kind of universal. So even like confusion, like what does confusion feel like in your body. And, and this is a practice. And so I’m kind of recommending, like if this is new to you start with those easier ones. Notice what it feels like in your body. And as you go, you can just kind of keep practicing. And one of the things I asked my clients, it’s kind of a random question. But it’s almost like imagine an alien is like dropped into your body and they don’t really know anything. How do they know you’re feeling confusion? What are they experiencing? It might be there’s a sense of like darting energy or kind of like, like skittish or it might be like a cloudy, foggy feeling in a certain area or around your whole body. So it’s something that we can get better and better and better at and why is this important? So I noticed when I’m taking more of like a cognitive behavioral approach with clients, it’s easy to get stuck in the head. And then I think our minds and our intellects engage in a way where it’s like, then we’re just kind of fighting and resisting different ideas. And then we’re just draining our energy, and we’re not really getting anywhere. And I find that when we’re able to let go a bit of intellect and kind of drop into our body and feel sensations in our body and be curious about them and compassionate towards them. Those qualities of self energy, that first of all, the parts feel like really more calm, and they feel appreciative because they’re so used to being banished, you know, if they’re causing any kind of distress, and not being paid attention to. So just acknowledging them and paying attention to them, can be enough to take some of the edge off. And I would even encourage you to go one step further if you can, and actually try and be friends these parts. So this is going to help us build self confidence to because when we are able to just feel our feelings without kind of engaging in that over intellectualization and kind of mind play, then they actually pass quicker as well. And once you’ve kind of processed it like felt it physically, you’ll notice it changing. So you might notice, okay, there’s that anxiety in the chest, it feels really, really intense. And then like, the more you’re just like, Okay, I feel it, I’m kind of curious about it, it almost feels like it’s moving. It actually seems to be calming down now that I’m paying attention to it. And there’s a sense of being embodied. There’s a sense of being in your body when you’re doing this, which is another great skill for sex. Because one of the main issues that I find with people either having erectile dysfunction or difficulty orgasming is that they’re in their heads, right? And it’s like that being in the head kind of takes you out of your body takes you out of your five senses and away from your partner in many ways. So the more we can kind of be in the body and have that experience, the better it’s going to be for our sex life. So this is a great time practice to do. And the faster the emotions are going to pass. So it’s just like a win win. Now, you might say, well, if it’s that great, why doesn’t everyone do it because it hurts a lot. Really pretty hard wired, to have a tendency to avoid painful things, right? So I’m not going to pretend with you, that’s not going to hurt. It is. But when we build more and more wrapped building self energy, but when we’re allowing more self energy to come forward and not kind of blocking it with our parts, you can think of some of the parts thinking like, Nope, can’t trust the self energy, like I gotta elbow the self into the background, like I’m in charge, Alert, alert, you know, I’m taking over. So when we can ask our parts kindly to kind of step aside and allow some space for self to come forward. There is just there’s more sense of safety. So it’s a practice, but my guess is you already feel self energy in some aspect of your life. So whether it’s, you know, music and connecting with music, or whether it’s exercise or being in nature, that’s always a great one. Chances are, you are feeling kind of like your best self in some context of your life. So I would also just say, lean into that, right? It’s only going to help every other single area of your life if you do that. So, yeah, I also want to mention that our last episode was about communicating with your partner and being able to be vulnerable, and how vulnerability can help create that intimacy and facilitate those conversations. And this is part of that too. Knowing you can handle your own emotions, allows you to take more of those emotional risks. Because when you know, like, hey, if I feel shame, I’m willing to feel it. And I know it’s gonna pass. I know it’s not going to kill me. And I know that I can access myself energy and kind of be an internal parent to that part that’s feeling shame and be kind to it. That’s huge and frees up so much energy and allows you to have those conversations. So I hope this was helpful. Definitely, if this resonated share it with your partner, because then you’re both on the same page with learning how to feel your feelings. One of the things I love working with couples is that you know, creating a shared language, creating kind of a shared foundation really helps facilitate conversations. If you’re single, share this with a friend support each other on your journey, feeling your feelings and building that self confidence and emotional intelligence, and it’s only going to help all of your relationships be better. So thanks, everyone for joining today. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. grab yours now. Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist
