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There’s also research that some of the best sex doesn’t even start until about age 55. So that’s important to keep in mind too. So just because things are different doesn’t mean they’re worse. You can have, you know, more orgasms more pleasure, more connection, more real intimacy as you get older, and maybe, just maybe scheduling is gonna help with that.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy, in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, I am coming to you with an episode on scheduling sex, kind of a hotly debated topic in our field. And we will get into it in detail in a moment. So first, we’re gonna read the review of the week this week. These reviews are so nice. Thank you guys. So this one says Heather is whip smart. I love this podcast. Because Heather is fearless, smart, empathetic, and always willing to quote unquote, go there. No topic is off limits. And she always approaches her guests with a level of curiosity and respect. Just incredible and entertaining conversation must listen. So thank you so much for this review. I honestly appreciate it. And, and you’re right there. There’s no topic that’s off limits. That’s a big part of you know, why I do what I do. Because sometimes we think, Oh, why can’t talk about that, you know, and sometimes we just think that, like, we’re the only weirdo or, you know, it’s just not okay, for some reason, but it’s okay. You know, we got to accept all the parts of ourselves. So that is what we’re going to talk about today with scheduling sex. So a couple things here. There’s a huge camp of people who is anti scheduling, right. And let’s discuss why that might be the case. We think that if we schedule sex, basically, that’s not going to be sexy. I think that’s the big fear that people have. It’s like, what we’ve just scheduled I like a business meeting, or what you know, and I think that we have these associations with scheduling, like, Oh, we’ve gotten to that point or relationship or like, now we’re so almost like, hard up that we got to schedule it, and can probably tell by my tone of voice, that I don’t like, love these arguments, right? And we’ll get into my personal opinion at the end. So that would be one argument that was like, it just feels like a task, then it feels like a chore, it doesn’t really feel like honor sexy, it’s almost like a turn off just the idea of scheduling and can be a turn off for a lot of people on the camp of yes, let’s schedule sex, we have, you know, well, it’s just not gonna happen. Otherwise, it’s like, we’re, you know, we’re like ships passing in the night, right, which is the case for a surprising number of couples. So, those people are kind of like, you know, if we wait till right before bed, we’re too tired. Or, you know, one of us is like, kind of not with it for the first couple hours of the morning. And then we have like, the workday in the middle, and then we have like kids stuff, you know, on the weekends, and like, this is the reality for a lot of people. So they’re like, you know, we might as well schedule it. So what my personal opinion is, is that it depends on your situation, right? So if you’re newly dating, and neither of you has children, neither of you is caring for you know, a parent or has any kind of major commitments, your work hours are reasonable, it you know, pretty easy to find time to spend together, generally speaking, I don’t think those people need to schedule sex, right? They might want to, I don’t know. But I don’t think that you typically need to know, we can also just how complex we want to get with this discussion. But you know, there’s a lot of other factors too. So if you’re if you’re somebody where your sex drive is more spontaneous in general, and what that means is that you just kind of get horny and in the mood out of nowhere, right? And that’s okay. Right, there’s not good or bad, the other side of that coin would be more of a responsive sexual desire. So spontaneous is going to be kind of comes up out of nowhere. It’s almost just like this from within biological thing. Nothing in particular triggers it. And a lot of us think that that’s kind of how sex drive should be. But the other type is responsive. And so responsive sex drive is going to be triggered more by some kind. no sexual stimuli. So it could be something like, you know, seeing an attractive person walk down the street, or even feeling sexy yourself, someone maybe gives you a compliment, or you just feel you look extra cute that day. Or maybe you take a dance class, and that just kind of starts putting you in the mood. It could be something as explicit as porn. And it could be something, you know, is surprising as a dance class, right? Or just like, oh, okay, like, I just felt like I put a cute outfit on. So I think it’s important to keep this in mind. So if you’ve got a partner, or maybe both partners in a relationship, who are more responsive, it could also just be the case that without those sexual stimuli in your environment, you’re not really getting in the mood, even if you do have the time. So that’s an important factor to consider too. So I feel like you’re probably starting to sense my answer to this, like most things, is not a one size fits all approach. It’s really like, let’s look at your specific situation, and see what’s the best fit for you what makes sense for you. Now, one other thing I want to add on the pro side of scheduling sex, is that and also to kind of dismantle the con side a little bit, is typically when you’re first dating, you schedule your dates, right? And then you don’t think, Oh, this is such a chore. If you want to deal with this person, we have to schedule it. And then when do you have sex? On your dates? Right? So I think we just need to do a reframe here. Because what happens is, you know, I’ll work with these couples. And I’ll hear from people like, well, we’re just not getting around to having sex unless we schedule it. If that’s the case. 100%, schedule some time. Now, I also want to clarify, what are you scheduling? Right? Because you’ve heard me talk before about, we don’t want to get so attached to the outcome with sex, that we’re kind of taking the fun out of it. And so if it’s like, when we go, we walked out an hour and the kids are gone. And you know, or the you know, my parents took them or the babysitter took them or whatever. And then we’re like, oh, God, we’re supposed to have sex now. And she was like, Oh, it was pressure, like not fun at all. So what I would say is, and I think what most sex therapists say, too, is don’t schedule actual, like orgasmic activity, but schedule, some quality, time, schedule, some intimacy, you know, be a little intentional about it six might happen, right? But we don’t want to make it a pressure cooker. It’s kind of like when you were dating, right? So when you’re dating, you schedule something fun, you schedule time, when you don’t have distractions, you create the conditions where something sexy could happen, right? You dress up a little bit, you look cute, you plan something fun to do. And then a lot of times it winds up happening. The other really cool piece of this is the anticipation. So one of the cornerstones of eroticism. According to Jack Marins book, the erotic mind is anticipation. And I think this is a big one for most of us. So if you schedule, quality, time, time for intimacy to happen time to create the conditions for potential sex, then you look forward to that, then you can kind of flirt. It’s like, when you had a date coming up, you’d be like, Oh, I can’t wait to see you. Or, you know, I’m gonna wear that sexy skirt that you like, or maybe a little 16 Especially this is somebody you’ve already had sex with, and already have that level of comfort with. Which it probably is if we’re talking about this topic. So keep that in mind do that, you know, scheduling, it can build anticipation. And maybe like buy something sexy to where maybe you buy a toy for your partner. Maybe you you know, are verbal about it. Maybe you kind of know. Like, okay, this is coming. How can I make this special for my partner? How can I make this special for myself? How can I hint or tease right? I think teasing is a great way to build anticipation. We also do this in marketing. Sometimes I do this with the podcast right? Where an Instagram might be like teaser we’re gonna have this special guests coming on Monday. Stay tuned right. And it builds anticipation. And so it’s like that anticipation and craving can lead to really hot Zach so instead of looking at it so you can see we reef framed it like a 180. So instead of looking at it like, oh my god, we’re such failures, we’ve gotten to this point where we’re like scheduling something that’s supposed to be spontaneous. So instead of that, we totally flip the script. And we think, because most of us, the sex was kind of hot at the beginning, and the chemistry was really there. And so we’re like, oh, so what if we’re actually kind of going back to that like honeymoon stage a little bit where, you know, we’re scheduling dates, we’re scheduling quality time, we’re putting effort into our appearance where, you know, wondering what’s going to happen. I also like not scheduling, you know, orgasmic activities. For that reason, just scheduling time for intimacy, because it’s kind of fun, a little bit wonder what you know, what’s going to happen and to sort of, like, bring your A game, you know, like, when you’re dating, you’re kind of bringing your A game and you’re like, Okay, we like his last time, I kind of want more to happen this time. But like, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Right. So it’s like your own little sexy story unfolding. So that’s my two cents. And I will, I will also share, if you’re scheduling sacks, from a place of, you know, obligation, which I think I’ve mentioned this in past episodes, but, you know, when I was in a long term relationship, I started losing my interest in sex with this person. And eventually, he started losing his. But there was this thought of like, well, we mostly see each other on the weekend, because we live an hour apart, and, you know, we should be having sex. And I would say, if that’s the case for you guys, like it was for me. Scheduling sex may not be the way to go, right? Because sometimes, then you’re forcing something or pressuring something. And in those cases, there’s actually a deeper issue going on. And so like, look, look at the deeper issue. Right? Don’t just think that’s what we’re missing. Now. On the other hand, if it’s like, no, I think my partner’s hot, I’m interested, I just kind of need to be like, out of work mode, out of like, stressful fight or flight mode, be in like a whole different nervous system state, where, like, I’m relaxed, I’m ready to have fun. And then I can look forward to it. And I want to be into this person, if that’s the case, where life is just kind of getting in the way or schedules or just getting in the way, you are the perfect candidate for scheduling sex. And it also doesn’t matter how often cuz I know, you guys are probably thinking like, well, how often Heather, there is research that shows couples who have sex at least once a week, kind of, I’m going to do a caveat on this kind of max out their relationship satisfaction. So like, if they go up to twice a week, they’re not necessarily any happier and more satisfied in the relationship. There are totally exceptions to this. I mean, I’ve talked to numerous people who want to have sex three times a day, right? And so like, they’re just not going to be happy or satisfied with once a week. And so you have to customize it yourself studies. That’s the limitation of studies, they’re based on averages. They’re not based on, you know, individual cases, and there’s gonna be other people that are willing more than happy with every other week. Yeah, you know, as long as we’re having quality time to connect, you know, the frequency isn’t as important. Or maybe this extra just isn’t as high. And that’s fine. So there’s no right or wrong, but that might be worth that’s worth discussing. If you’re going to schedule it. How often do you want to schedule it? How much time do you want to allow? Of course, like, what times are going to work? And often one of the other huge, huge things that I hear from people that opt in is an easy Saul or it can be solved is childcare. Right? Kind of like oh, yeah, but we have the kids, you know, and usually there can be either family members that can help. Sometimes friends, they can help. And you might have to pay extra money. And I know sometimes people are like, Oh my God, but we already like going out to dinner or paying for dinner or do we really have to pay like babysitters have gotten expensive? I’ve heard 20 bucks an hour, you know, but 1520 bucks an hour for a babysitter on top of it. And it’s like, yeah, that’s, that’s a lot cheaper than my services. It’s a lot cheaper than you know, relationship counseling. It’s a lot cheaper than divorce. So much cheaper. Right? And so it’s like, and then we also have to look at like how important our relationships are relationships like Okay, why don’t want to spend, you know, 80 bucks or 70 bucks on a babysitter twice a month. But it’s like, what are you getting in exchange for that? Happy relationship? An actual sex life? That seems like a good deal to me. So, sometimes it’s like we cheap out on this stuff. It really matters. Now, if you’re in a situation where it’s just like, hey, money’s tight, whatever, then you might have to be a little more creative. And maybe you do a swap with some friends, maybe it’s like you alternate weekends, they watch your kids, you watch their kids, but like, there’s always a solution. Right? And so I don’t want people to get stuck on that. But it’s worth it. It’s like so so, so worth putting the time and energy into finding those solutions, so that you can make the time, right, maybe it means somebody has to be less of a workaholic, maybe it means you have to work on the childcare, maybe it means that, you know, you have to change your work schedule, even and do a four day week, or work a little earlier or later, or even, like, look for a different job that’s, you know, gonna be more conducive. And I guess I would just say like, that’s worth it. You know, I mean, typically, the the regrets that people have when they’re like in hospice and dying is not like, Oh, I wish I worked more. It’s like, I wish I, you know, really invested more in my relationships. So, here, I am reminding you of that, before you get to that point. So don’t hesitate to schedule sacks. The key is to be honest with yourself. Like, if you’re listening to this, and you’re like, oh, my gosh, I can’t imagine being at that point. Well, first of all, life changes, that we go through different phases. And if you’re in a phase where you’re able to be spontaneous, and enjoy it, it’s working for you. Awesome, enjoy it. But if you’re listening to this, no. And this is something that Dr. Marty Klein mentions in his book, sexual intelligence, which is great. And that was the first like sex therapy book I ever read. It’s, like, reevaluate every decade or so. Where’s our sex drive, I don’t actually reevaluate more than that. What’s our schedules, like, what really works for us, you know, reset your expectations, because things change. And it can be easy to think, okay, different now, maybe we have to be more conscious or intentional or put in a little bit more effort. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Because there’s also research that some of the best sex doesn’t even start until about age 55. So that’s important to keep in mind too. So just because things are different, doesn’t mean they’re worse. You can have, you know, more orgasms more pleasure, more connection, more real intimacy, as you get older. And maybe, just maybe scheduling is gonna help with that. So thank you guys for listening to this. I also wanted to mention, if you are wanting to invest a little bit more time and attention into your sex life, but in a super flexible kind of way, I am having a new Sexy Summer book club. So I’ve wanted to do a book club for a long time, I think books are one of the most amazing investments in our minds, and in this case in our bodies, too. So if you are curious about it, we’re going to be doing three books. We’re gonna have a book club in July, August and September. And we’re going to be reading tell me what you want. The ethical sloth and gender outlaw. They’re all great books. And I think we’ll have really robust discussions about them. So you can go to my website, Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co. And it’s right there on the homepage to learn more. And I will also link to the book club page right in the show notes. So I’m excited to kind of get to meet more of you and just like have that community and engagement. We’re also going to have a telegram group and we’ll chat group thing that will go with the book club to kind of communicate in between and telegram is really great because I we don’t have to censor ourselves talking about sex. So right now on Instagram, I can’t even spell the word sex without having to like, make the E and two or three, or like, spell it SEC Ks. And yeah, it pains me every time. So this is also why I do this work. So anyways, I hope to see many of you in the book club. I think it’s going to be super fun. And you guys can also follow me on Instagram if you want to or join my ask the sex therapist Facebook group if you’re looking to connect. So thank you guys for listening, and I’ll catch you next time right.
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