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You know, okay, when do I need to say no? What boundaries do I need to set so I’m comfortable. So it’s like you get to pace this at your own pace, right? You can wait a couple of months to have sex with someone, you can go have sex with them on the first date. If you want to wait till you get married to someone, you get to do whatever you want.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy, in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist.
Hey, everybody, I am here with an episode to answer your questions. And these are actually kind of my favorite episodes, I think it’s really fun to see what you guys ask. So if you want a question to be featured on the next listener q&a, you can just go to my website, Heather shannon.co. And if you click the work with me tab in the menu, you’ll see a page where you can ask a sex question, totally anonymous. And then you can just choose if you want it to be on the podcast, or if you want me to make a little video answer for social media, but I like doing them on the podcasts, you’ll probably get a little more in depth answer, I always have to keep my social media video so short. So without further ado, we will read the review of the week. So this one says eye opening, this pot has given me much needed insight into my own sex life, as well as answered a few uncomfortable questions I had about myself, I strongly recommend everyone listen to this podcast, because the host will absolutely give you every bit of insight you will need. It is not afraid to dig into the uncomfortable or taboo things. This is true. It’s like why I’m here, right? It’s almost like the definition of why the podcast exists. So thank you so much for that review. If you’re driving or walking your dog, you know, don’t write a review then. But you can leave a rating and then when you do have time, if you’re on my email list, I’ll usually remind you once in a while, I’ll leave this review, it helps the show get in front of more people, and hopefully help more people. So Alright, so first question is actually from somebody who I was talking to in person. And this was an interesting one. So the question was, how do you handle it if a client has a crush on you. And so this could be for anyone who’s a therapist, anyone who’s a coach, anyone who’s a healer. And I also want to say, I’ve been on both sides of this situation before, I’ve been the one with the crush, and I’ve also been the one receiving the crush. So the reason this person asked the question is because some of her clients had been saying things that made her a bit uncomfortable. And so it wasn’t just like, oh, I have a crush on you. And then it’s like, okay, how do we handle this? It was, you know, maybe making some inappropriate comments. So just want to give you guys that context as well. So, and I’ve had this happen both ways, too, with clients, where I’ve had a client say, Hey, I just want to let you know, like, I do have a crush on you. And, you know, I just feel like I should share it. And like, I’m not sure if this impacts us working together. But it’s just been kind of on my mind. And so I wanted to say something. And in that case, you know, we were able to talk about it really constructively it was kind of out in the open. As part of my training as a sex therapist, we actually talked about this concept of erotic transference. So if you’re familiar with Freud at all, you probably know this idea of transference and countertransference. So when you’re the client, any kind of feelings you might project on to your coach healer therapist would be transference. So it’s, you know, like, Oh, they’re like a father figure to me. You’re like, Oh, they’re like, sexy, and they’re like a lover, you know, in my mind, or, Oh, they’re kind of like my wise old aunt or something like that. And so we all kind of project different things onto people, especially in the context of a therapeutic relationship, because is really intimate, right? Like, you’re, you’re going there and you’re being vulnerable, and this person is holding space for you. And there’s often sort of this like, unconditional positive regard, as we call it. When I was doing my counselor training. Carl Rogers was sort of a pioneer with this idea of unconditional positive regard. And so we were feeling like, wow, I can just like fully be mean, I don’t have to like hold it together. And I can, like, show up like warts and all. And this person just like cares about me and helps me and supports me. I think it’s also really important to keep in mind, that’s wildly attractive. Right? And so we’re like, wow, I would like more relationships like that in my life. You know, this is allowing me to feel like my best self in a lot of ways or it’s allowing me to do some really important healing work in some ways. And so I do want to normalize it. Right, it’s not weird if you have a crush. And that was the experience I had with an energy healer I was working with. And I told him, I was like, I gotta tell you, because I feel like I’m starting to get distracted by this, you know, and I don’t want it to, like interfere with the work. And I think that’s because I’m going to kind of address it too. If you’re the one with the crush, should you bring it up? Yeah, I think if it gets to that point where it’s kind of like distracting you or it all taking away from the work, sometimes it might just be like a thought that pops up and just like, just as quickly flies out of your head, I probably wouldn’t bring that up. But if it’s like, this is persisting, maybe getting stronger, it’s becoming more of a distraction. So I also brought this up, and we were able to have a kind of a similar conversation. And yeah, for my feelings to be kind of acknowledged and validated. And for me, once I said it, I will still like this relief, it was almost like, okay, and it was almost a little bit like part of the crutch went away, once I said it, like, I just needed to get it out. And so I was able to, you know, do another couple sessions with this person on the energy healing work we were doing. And it was great. I didn’t feel embarrassed. And you know, he didn’t like shame me about it or anything. And the same thing with my client. So my client, I think we did a few more sessions, he then decided, like, Am I just choosing to kind of work with you, and like, pay for sessions, cuz I have a crush on you? And so I had kind of said, like, do you feel like this is getting in the way of you achieving your goals? And he was like, No, it actually might be incentivizing, which I also think is the case with personal trainers, right? I almost think it helps sometimes if I have a crush on the trainer a little bit, because I’m like, Okay, I’m gonna do a really good job, then impress them. So I think it’s important to notice, like, how is this affecting me, right. The other piece that I think is important to the client that I’m thinking of, he had a pattern of being attracted to unavailable women, right. And older women, this was someone who was younger than me. And so I was kind of like a teachable moment, right? Because much of what’s healing in whatever modality or doing coaching therapy, energy healing, I think, is the relationship and for psychotherapy, that’s actually very proven by research, that is more so the relationship with the therapist that’s healing, rather than any certain type of modality. Now, I think you have to resonate with the modalities that they’re doing. But if you feel safe, you feel good, you feel like you’re able to make progress and trust this person. Awesome. That’s usually when it’s going to take. So I think using it as a teachable moment, if you have a client bring this up to you, like, Hey, this is a pattern, this is actually something that maybe is coming up to be healed. You know, can we look at this in the context of our relationships, so it’s a very sort of, like, working with the here. And now in the therapeutic room, you know, whether it’s a virtual room or an in person room is like, cool. Like, instead of us talking about something where, you know, as the therapist or healer, it’s like, Hey, I wasn’t there, I don’t know what was actually sad. It’s like happening in the room. So oftentimes, that is, what happens is like clients will enact their issues with you, you know, their relational issues. And so even though bringing it up can be really uncomfortable. Not only is it healthy for you to address it, in case you do feel uncomfortable, they brought it up in an inappropriate way. But it’s actually also in their best interest to bring it up. Because it might be like, Oh, wow, now we can really do some healing work with us. And we can talk about this very directly within the context of the safe space we’ve created. So I did have a different client, make some comments that were like, Oh, you look pretty sexy, those pictures on Instagram or something like that. And I was like, this is feeling a bit unwelcome. And this client to also a pattern of, you know, kind of inappropriate crushes, or people that he like, hired for different things. And so then we addressed it to you. And so I was like, okay, like, you know, this is a pattern. So like, let’s talk about this. Also, like, Did that feel appropriate? And he was public? Okay, no, sorry. Usually, these are not like bad people, right? Usually, there’s like delightful people who like had a moment, and you know, some part of them, you know, because I do parts work. I also look at it that way. Like, we all have parts that, you know, maybe stick our foot in our mouth or don’t say the most appropriate thing. And so just to like, treat it as such, like, Hey, okay, maybe like a part of you said that what’s going on with that part? So again, teachable moment, heeling moment, normalizing it like, Hey, I get why maybe this might feel like a safe space to say that but like, you know, it’s a professional relationship. And like, while we have a good rapport and everything, like I do want us to keep it professional. So, you know, let’s not make those types of comments again in the future. But let’s use this. Let’s use this to do some healing work. So that’s my advice on how to address that from both sides of the situation because it happens kind of a lot. Right? And we need to keep ourselves in kind of safe on both sides as providers and as clients. And I think transparency can be a really big part of that. So hopefully that’s helpful. I know there’s a decent number of therapists and healers who listen to this. And then our next question, this is an interesting one. So this person said, you know, how do I go about opening up my sexuality as a virgin in my late 30s? You know, and I think, as a society, we’re so confused about sex, right? It’s like, well, you should wait till marriage. And you know, you should not be promiscuous, which is a very loaded judgy word, right? Basically, meaning just sexually active, don’t be too sexually active. And we have, I actually just saw the comment on the new Instagram threads app about Keke Palmer, and she’s a mom, she had a baby with her boyfriend, she was wearing a sexy outfit, and Asher concert. And Asha was almost like kind of coming over to her and being a little flirty, her butt was sticking out was like a body suit with like, a shear thing over it. She looks amazing, right? And her boyfriend made some comments like in the press, about, you know, she’s a mother, and she shouldn’t be wearing that. And it’s like, one people get to wear what they want to wear. Right? Maybe they’re maybe they like, get a little attention. Maybe they just like, like feeling sexy, it makes them you know, feel themselves. Maybe it’s part of their creative expression. But when they get to decide, we’re gonna get to decide what we put on every day, right. And then the other piece that I reacted to was, you know, this idea of almost like the Madonna whore complex, which I could do a whole episode on that you guys. But this idea of like, you know, when I first meet someone, before I get too attached, then I could just like, have like, wild sex with them and like, do whatever. And then it’s like, oh, but now I love them. Now they’re like the mom of my child, like, I can’t do that. So it’s kind of this idea of especially putting women into like one of those two categories, like, either you’re sort of the sex worker, and I can get nasty with you, or you’re just like, so precious. And I can’t do that. And it’s like, I believe, like, we contain multitudes, right? Those don’t have to be either or categories. And they’re not, you know, and we have the whole term MILF for a reason. So anyways, our society is very confused. And I think that we do have some of that like Madonna whore, and so if somebody’s like, you know, a virgin in their late 30s, and might be like, Oh, well, I’m like this, you know, maybe I’m impure, or I thought I was, and I didn’t think it was gonna go this long. And I don’t know, if there was a religious reason. Sometimes it’s anxiety issues where we have some health anxiety about, you know, STIs, or pregnancy. Sometimes it’s attachment issues, where it’s like, relationships don’t feel safe. And like being that vulnerable, where you’re like, literally, you know, naked and like, the release of orgasm can feel really vulnerable for people. And I feel like that doesn’t feel safe, that doesn’t feel safe to my body, it doesn’t feel safe to my mind, it doesn’t feel safe to my nervous system. And so my, my thought would be to really look at, okay, how did I get here? Right? And it sounds like this person’s wanting to open up their sexuality and to become sexual and to to act on their interest in sex. It’s like, okay, what, what came up that I didn’t do that? Is there some fear? That’s something I’ve addressed? Is there an attachment issue? Because that’s something I’ve addressed? Is there some like anxiety or even OCD, right? A lot of times with OCD, it can actually manifest as intrusive thoughts or obsessive thought loops around sex, and it can be fear of, okay, like, I don’t want to be attracted to this person. You know, I’ve had clients who weren’t actually attracted to minors, but had a fear of it, like, Oh, my God, what if I’m gonna be that person and whatever, I’m gonna be a pedophile. And it’s like, there’s no actual evidence that you are. But it can be like this obsessive, pure about it, right? Just because it’s something that’s so taboo in our society. So notice that, you know, are there some intrusive thoughts around sex? And I do think it’s so important to kind of get help if it’s one of those deeper issues. If it’s just more like, Hey, maybe I felt a little socially awkward. Maybe I had some social anxiety. Maybe it just didn’t kind of happen for me, and I didn’t pursue it a ton, but like, I’m ready to now then I would just say, go ahead and pursue it. Right. My advice wouldn’t be that different for you in that case, and it would for anyone else. It would be you know, set up some dating profiles, go to some, you know, singles events, or just, you know, events that revolve around different outdoor activities or even indoor activities. Right. Start Meeting people start putting yourself out there. Start small start by flirting, right, give people compliments. Let people know if you’re if you’re interested or Oh, yeah, hey, we should hang out sometime, you know, and see how they react. So that would be my advice. For just dipping your toe in. I also think dating apps can be great because they’re clear, right? It’s like we are here to date. And you can also prioritize sex on a dating app, you can say, you know, I’m not looking for anything like, super deep emotionally, I’m looking more for casual dating, people will kind of get the hint that, you know, you would like to have some sex, you’re not obligated to tell anybody that you haven’t had sex before. And even though the word virginity can be very loaded to right, so it’s kind of like, well, do we need to even use that word? Because just be like my antics? Yeah. Okay, cool. One day well. So I would also look at that, like, how are you framing this? In your mind? What are you making it mean about you, actually, because I also think this is more common than we realize, I think people just don’t talk about it, I think when it gets to a point where, you know, people are like, in their mid 20s, or late 20s. And you know, everyone’s talking about sex, if you haven’t had sex, you kind of just like, go along with it, or pretend you have. And so it can become this sort of, like, uncomfortable or shameful thing. And it just, it just doesn’t need to be right, it doesn’t doesn’t have to mean anything about you. So that will be my other thought. And so that I will just go out and meet people, right? And make out with them. And if you want to do more, you can I would you know, if you haven’t listened to the other episodes, I would definitely listen to the consent episode. So that you’re really in tune with your body. And knowing, you know, okay, when do I need to say no, what boundaries do I need to set so I’m comfortable. So it’s like, you get to pace this at your own pace, right? You can wait a couple months to have sex with someone, you can go have sex with them on the first date. If you want him to wait till you get married to someone, you get to do whatever you want. It doesn’t sound like you’re wanting to wait till you get married based on the question. But But yeah, and I will also say I didn’t the first time I had sex, I didn’t tell the person I hadn’t had sex before. I just don’t think that you owe that to people, you know, if you if you want to, if it would help you to know like, hey, just so you know, this is my first time. You know, are you comfortable with that? You know, but here’s the other issue, though. I think other people have their own stories about what that means, right? So you might be in a place where like, cool, I did what Heather said, I reframe this, I’m not making it a bigger deal than it has to be, you know, I’ve done maybe some of the healing work if there was some of those blockages that, you know, caused me to wait this long. But now I’m good. Well, the other person might be like, Oh, my God, you’ve never had sex before. There’s so much pressure. I can’t be that person. Right? And it’s like, first of all, yeah, you can like what what do you think that means? Like, you have to be the best performer ever, or that like, this person is going to fall in love with you, because you’re the first person they had sex with? No, I didn’t fall in love with the person I had sex with the first time. So, right, so So you choose, if it’s if it’s someone you’re really comfortable with, or who knows you really well, and tend to be like really laid back and you want to tell them great. But if you think that they might make it weird, I would just not tell them. So that would be my advice. So I hope that helps. So like pace yourself, put yourself out there, whether you’re in situations where sex could happen, you know, watch videos, listen to podcast practice practice of flirting. You can even decide do I want to do I want to initiate? Do I want to make the first move? You know? Or do I want to just kind of like flirt or tell someone I’m interested and then kind of let them make the move from there. So great question, though. Thank you for asking this. I have no doubt other people listening are in the same situation. So thank you. Okay, so then another one I wanted to address. And this one has multiple layers to this. So this person was saying that they were feeling responsible for their partner’s enjoyment during sex or in partners enjoyment and satisfaction. And what would happen is that it created this anxiety within them of like, oh, like, I’m making sure that they’re enjoying it, and you know, that they’re having a good time. And then it was like, almost perceived as like a threat where then they kind of just shut down. Right? And it became like a turn off, right. And then there became like an avoidance of sex. So a couple things here that I want to bring attention to. One is the nervous system thing. So when I hear someone saying they’re shutting down, that means their nervous system is triggered in some way. And to me, I’m hearing sort of a freeze response so we hear the phrase fight or flight and so really, it’s fight flight freeze or fawn fight, it’s pretty obvious. It’s like okay, I’m gonna go beat this person up and defeat them. Flight also pretty obvious, like I just need to get out of here. Like I want to get out of here immediately at a runaway to make sure I’m safe from this threat. And again, like our body doesn’t really know the difference between like a relational or emotional threat versus a bear chasing us. So So even if it’s an emotional threat, our body’s like, I see that there and I’m running out of here. And then we have a freeze response. So that’s almost like, oh my god, maybe if I don’t move, the bear won’t notice me. And then that’s where you can kind of shut down. Right? It’s like, okay, all systems powering down, I’m just gonna, like, be a little, you know, shell of a human, and hope I like blend into the background or something. And so it sounds like that’s what’s happening. And then the fawn response, just to kind of finish going through them is more of like a people pleaser response. So it could be like, I’m just gonna do whatever I need to do to like appease this person that feels like a threat, even if it’s not in my best interest, because I need to, like, make sure that they’re okay. So that’s important to notice, I would, so I would really do some work with that. It’s like, what is my body perceiving as the threat? Right? And so if we do almost like a thought model on this, where we look at what is the thought, this kind of leading to this shutdown state? Is it like, I don’t think I’m gonna do a great job. Or my partner likes it really, you know, rough and fast. And I’m more of a slow central lover. And so I feel like I’m at a loss even just starting out, or, I don’t know what she wants, like, how am I supposed to figure this out? Like, it’s not gonna go well. So I’m guessing there’s some kind of thought or story there. That’s kind of psyching you out that is then leading to that shutdown feeling. And then when you’re in that shutdown feeling, you can kind of ask yourself, What am I doing in that shutdown? Feeling? Right? Typically nothing. Right? And so then, what results are you creating for yourself? In this like thought model? It’s like, okay, so I’m thinking I’m psyching myself out with my thoughts, feeling shut down, doing nothing. And then I’m creating a perpetual pattern of not having good sex not connecting, and continuously kind of failing, which then reinforces this thought of I don’t know how to do it. So step one is just to kind of see like, Oh, I see the cycle that my brain is creating. Why is it doing that? I don’t know. It actually why it’s not that helpful. The question. So instead, you can ask, What do I want my brain to do? Instead? How do I want to feel? How do I want to think, and you want to kind of aim for like, Is there something I can think that I do you also believe is true? Right? It could be like, hey, my, my wife would love it, even if we just cuddled? Or even if we just like got naked and fooled around a little bit. It’s like, what if you take the pressure off of you no penetration? What if the focus is like, I need to show up and try. And you can talk to your partner about this too? What are her expectations? She might just be happy if you show up and try, you know, if the current pattern is shutting down, and the new pattern is like, all I have to do is show up and try and she’s happy. And it’s like, cool. That’s like not anxiety producing that’s like I’m gonna win no matter what. So maybe that becomes the new thought. So that’s what I would kind of play with there is like, what’s the perceived threat or stressor? What’s happening with my nervous system? And can I really look at the thoughts and like the perpetual patterns that I’m creating. So I hope that that’s helpful. And again, you guys can submit your questions for our next listener q&a episode. These are super fun for me and I will catch you next week.
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