04 Are You Attracted Anymore
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, I am here today to talk to you about attraction. And are you attracted anymore? And if not what’s going on? So we’re gonna get into? What do you find erotic? What causes loss of attraction? And getting sexy back? How did we get to you feeling sexual, your partner feeling sexual, and seeing each other as a sexual being? And so if you’re single, just focus on yourself? How do you get sexy back with yourself? Then you can even notice like, if you are dating, you can notice like, do I experience attraction more with person A and person B. So I think that that can be pretty interesting to explore. All right, so it’s pretty easy, honestly, to lose attraction and a long term relationship. And it doesn’t mean that if you lose attraction, you’re gonna lose it permanently, right. But I do want us to look at that, because I’ve experienced that so many of my clients have experienced that. And I think there can be a sense of kind of like helplessness, or a loss of control around it, it’s like, well, you know, just happens sometimes, like, I don’t know what he’s supposed to do. But there are things to do. That’s why we’re here today. So I want to help you see that there’s a little bit more in your control than maybe what you’re originally thinking. And a lot of who I see as clients or couples who feel like good friends, or good roommates in a sense, or good co parents, but just not so much romantically connected. And again, while it’s so understandable how this can happen, it is largely preventable, right? There’s certain factors that we can’t control. There’s things like, you know, our immediate circumstances, like in the present moment, it just is what it is. And other humans, those are the main things we can’t control. But the things that we can control our thoughts, which also dictate how we feel, by the way, so our thoughts and emotions, how we show up for ourselves. So if we’re struggling, do we show up for ourselves, we take care of ourselves? And what are our actions, you know, we’re in charge of and responsible for our behaviors, including what do we choose to prioritize? And so hopefully, as I kind of went through that list with you guys, what is in our control, you were starting to be like, Oh, I see how that impacts attraction. So when I work with clients who are experiencing kind of a loss of attraction, and this could be one of two things, it could be a loss of libido overall, or it could just be libido is fine, but there’s loss of attraction to your particular partner. And so that’s what we’re going to focus on a little bit more today. And, you know, I know when I was in a longer term relationship, many years ago, I did experience this and I wasn’t sure what’s going on. I was like, well, maybe it was kind of a strong attraction for the first six months, but a lot happens, right? It could be like, well, we’ve probably had some arguments, or I’m kind of realizing some things about this person, or I’m not feeling the depth of emotional connection that I would like to feel, let me know. And as we talked about in previous episodes, that emotional connection and vulnerability can really be a foundation for sexual connection and attraction to and I think we all know that attraction is not just physical. I am going to refer to reality TV right now. So brace yourselves, if you’re a pure love is blind fan. This was something that we saw when parties in Nancy and season three, where, you know, Marty’s was kind of like, ooh, Nancy’s cute, and she’s got bigger boobs than I expected. And he seemed kind of excited. But then he saw Raven, and he was like, Ooh, she looks like a fitness model. And she’s got that like, lighter hair and like more athletic build, and like, she’s my, like, 10 out of 10 Girl, but like Nancy, still cute and stuff, too. So they still had good connection, good chemistry, right. And then they had some talks about big topics. They had talks about things like, you know, What’s your stance on abortion, and they were on different pages, you know, What’s your stance on abortion if the kid has some kind of disability, right. And they had different stances on it. And then they also had some other issues come up, I think just living together. And Nancy had a business with her ex boyfriend and parties was a little bit, you know, threatened by that. And, you know, then the attraction was kind of gone for parties for a while. He was kind of just processing and kind of like, I don’t know, I’m uncertain. I don’t know how I feel. And then he was able to work through some of that and they were able to get back to a place of some attraction, but I think some damage had been done. Right so that I’m not going to do a spoiler alert for you guys, if you want to watch the show. You know that I think that illustrates the point perfectly, though is like emotional factors can lead to a loss of physical attraction. And so I think we really need to look at attraction very holistically. And I know in my personal experience in that long term relationship, we also fell into kind of a groove or a rut really more accurately of like, okay, we’re kind of sitting around the house, or like, maybe we go out to dinner, and we like, don’t even really know what to talk to each other about sometimes. And, you know, maybe we’re not dressing up for each other as much anymore. Maybe we’re not putting as much effort into our periods I was experiencing some, like digestive health issues that like weren’t real sexy. And, you know, so you have to factor all of that in looking back, though, I’m able to see work stress is probably a factor, I was starting my business, that’s when I was starting my private practice. For the first time, we had distance as a factor that added some stress, I don’t think we were very proactive about planning fun dates together, or like doing anything adventurous right? Sometimes if life just feels kind of like status quo, and like mundane, and you’re just kind of doing the basics, it is a little harder to feel connected. And it’s a lot easier to just see this person is like your house, me and someone that you just kind of do life with without that sexy spark. And so how do you create the sexy spark? So I’m going to take you through a three step plan for creating the sexy spark if it’s kind of missing. So step one is first, feel sexy for yourself. So this means all of us can do this step. I think this is a step that is a constant work in progress for myself as well. Because what makes me feel sexy is not just appearance based. It’s like, do I feel vibrant and alive? Do I have good energy? Do I feel pretty healthy? Am I feeling bloated? AF today or not? I love music and dancing, music and dancing can make me feel really alive and vibrant and sexy and can create a mood. So you also want to look at that, like what mood are you unintentionally creating, because if you’re not being intentional about it, it’s just like a default, right? And it goes a little bit into like when you fail to plan you plan to fail. Same thing applies with our sex life and attraction. So first, feel sexy for yourself. First be feeling yourself in general. And just noticing like, what makes me feel like my best self period? Because I do think the more we’re in alignment with ourselves, I think the more sexy we feel, it’s kinda like one in the same. So step two, is going to be try sounds like a pretty general one, right? So if you listen to my turn on episode and did those steps, then you know what is going to do it for you. Right? So now’s the time to talk to your partner about it. So like, Hey, I love it when you kind of come up behind me and kiss my neck or I love it when you kind of embrace me from behind. Or I love it when you write me a little Limerick, I love it when you you know, whatever it is, but those little things are like I love seeing how good you are at your job or like I love seeing how good you are with the kids. You know, seeing your partner’s being really capable, can be a turn on. I love it when you wear this like one certain perfume or cologne. So just to start noticing so that you can be intentional because when we’re not really being aware, we can’t really be intentional, right? So notice, be intentional, communicate it with your partner. And then the last step of this is going to be creating chemistry. So this means sharing some kind of sexual energy. And so I want to get into here like the part here about what is erotic, right? Because if you’re experiencing a loss of attraction, it seems like there’s probably just not a lot of like erotic sexual energy between you guys. And so if you’re going to be getting sexy back, we got to bring in the erotic energy again. So there’s an interesting book called the erotic mind by Jack Morin. And he talks about a few different cornerstones of eroticism. So one of them is longing in anticipation, and that’s another one, like when we’re first dating, it’s like, oh, I can’t wait to see this person or like, I wonder what we’re gonna do next. Or, like, I wonder if we’re gonna kiss, I wonder if we’re gonna have sex, or I wonder if we’re gonna, like make out or what’s gonna happen. And there’s a kind of like, not knowing, and we’re so excited, it’s been building up. And so if you’re living with someone, you’ve been together with somebody for more than a couple years, it’s gonna be a little bit of a challenge, to build along in anticipation, like, you kind of have to be intentional about it. And so it could just be as simple as planning a date night every week or two. And, you know, looking forward to that and anticipating what it’s going to be like and thinking about how can we set the mood and how can I bring my best sexy self to the table when we do that? It could also be having a sex date, you know, it could be like, Okay, we’re gonna kind of plan sex, maybe have small kids or something like that which You know, when you’re busy and have little kids, I do kind of recommend planning sex. But there can just be like flirting, right. And also, I wouldn’t say like, we have to have sex, but plan time to connect, whether or not sex happens is kind of secondary. But even just having that time together be like, Oh, I can’t wait for adult time where we can just like focus on each other. And it’s not all about showing up for everyone else at work or at home. Next cornerstone of eroticism is called violating prohibitions. And so this one is kind of about breaking taboos. So what is kind of like taboo for you, and I think this is a fun area where we can kind of use society’s repressive sexual nature at times, or mixed messages about sex, because, you know, we still use sex to sell everything we still use, you know, sex, and movies and TV shows and stuff like that. And, and yet, we’re supposed to be kind of pure. And you know, it’s a mixed message. But anyway, so what taboos Can you kind of play with? Is it like, hey, like, let’s plan something where like, maybe we could get caught, but not really, or, you know, let’s plan something where we explore anal sex, or let’s plan something where we play with a power dynamic, you know, anything that’s a little bit taboo, and everyone’s going to have a different edge with this. So this is not about like, sex is always better, if you like, push your limits super far. No, it’s just kind of like what feels like a little bit of a taboo, that could be a fun thing for you. And then the next one is searching for power. So I kind of just mentioned power dynamics, but how can you explore that? Together? What would that look like? So is it impact play, or it’s just like, that could be anything from spanking, or using a riding crop or something along those lines? Or is it somebody is the criminal someone’s the police officers, someone’s the teacher and someone so students, so you know, roleplay could be a way to kind of do a power exchange. And then overcoming ambivalence is an interesting one. So this one to me, connects a little bit to the taboo ones where it could be like, I kind of want to do this, but I kind of don’t and then when you kind of overcome that ambivalence, and just like go for it can be like a very freeing and erotic experience. So I would also say there’s some research on this one, too, like sharing some like adrenaline fueled activities, or something that’s a little bit thrilling. So maybe you go bungee jumping together, or maybe even it could doesn’t have to be like that crazy, you know, could be like working jumping out of an airplane, or it could be, you know, we’re gonna just go go karting or something, you know, it’s like a little bit exciting, a little bit of unknown or a thrill. And you can even build anticipation up with sexy texting. You can push yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone, you can try something that you have been a little hesitant about. And again, consent is very important. So I’m not encouraging people to you know, bulldoze past their boundaries at all. This is like if you want to every, like take what you like and leave the rest with all of this. So I hope that this is helpful. I think it’s really a fun and important topic because it’s so common and and I think it is an area where we can feel a lot more empowered. So if this resonated you know, share this with a friend, share this with your partner, share this with the new person you’re dating and get a conversation started. So thank you, everybody for tuning in. And I’ll catch you next time. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom. Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. grab yours now. Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. 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