06 Fucked Up Ideas About Sex
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist.
Hey, everybody, I am back. And today we’re going to be talking about some fucked up ideas about sex. And I can’t promise I won’t get a little riled up on this one, but we’ll see how it goes. So one of the things I want to explain first is the concept of sex positivity, and how it’s different than sex negativity. So when I think about sex positivity, it’s the idea that, you know, any kind of sexual act between two consenting adults is all good, right? Like, I don’t care what anyone else wants to do, go have fun, go have a good time. But contrasting that, when we look at our culture, there’s a lot of sex negativity. And I would actually add, there’s a lot of mixed messages when it comes to sex. So on one hand, you know, we all have heard the phrase sex sells, right? So we’re going to use sexy images, to sell things, everyone’s going to start and only fans account. And at the same time, we’re going to have purity culture, I’m going to tell you that being too sexual is bad. And we’re going to only teach you sex education that focuses on you know, you’re going to get pregnant and ruin your life. You if you have an abortion, you’re a terrible person. And if you, you know, have too much sex, you’re gonna get an STI and probably die. So you can see there’s some, there’s some confusion in the culture, which is part of why I have a podcast now. So we’re gonna kind of go through, you know, how can we bring more sex positivity? And what are the areas where, you know, there’s either just myths about sex, you know, inaccurate information, lack of information around sex? And how can we get the truth about sex out there and some positivity about sex, and actual facts, factual information. Because one of the areas I think of sex negativity is that we leave so much out, there’s negativity by virtue of omission, I would say so even being someone who’s more trained than 99.9% of the population about sex, we leave things out like the clitoris, we just talked about in the last episode, how our bodies work, how we can experience touch pleasure. You know, a few years ago, I made a video about the health benefits of orgasm, and it was so fun making it but it was also kind of this like, wow, there’s actually a lot of like, really awesome health benefits to sex that no one ever told me about. That was part of sex, education, orgasms and how my body work. That’s all part of sex education. So we’re gonna get into it a little bit more. So one of the phrases, and now that I’m posting more on Instagram, I get some interesting comments. So one of the comments somebody posted was this quote, never let your man leave home hungry, or horny. Somewhere out there is a horror with a sandwich. So it is funny, it did make me laugh, but then I was like, oh, yeah, like, wait a second here? What message are we sending? Because one of the things I run into working with women or heterosexual couples, is that, you know, the wife might have a lower libido, and the husband has kind of wanting more sex, and sex becomes a chore, right? And so this quote, even though it’s goofy, and you know, the way they phrase, it’s kind of amusing. It’s kind of getting at this idea of like, you better be having sex with your man. You don’t want him cheating on you. Right? And I think that a lot of us internalize that. And thank you know, whether or not I want sex, whether or not I’m feeling up to it, whether or not I’m actually aroused whether or not I’m actually attracted, I better have sex, because otherwise we’re going to have marital issues. Otherwise, I’m not going to have the stability and the security that I want in my life and in my marriage. And so it feels kind of like this unspoken threat on some level. And when you’re having sex from a place of fear, fear of something going wrong fear of it not gonna know causing some kind of issue in your relationship. It’s probably not going to be real pleasurable, right? And when you develop these associations over time, with sex being a chore sex being an obligation, sex being a wifely duty, like That sounds awful to be what can think of so many wonderful things about sex and not Yeah, that’s not it. So that’s one sex negative thing that we’re just gonna cross off the list and I also want to be clear, with this I’m not saying sex isn’t important, right. I do believe sex is important to a relationship or at least most relationships where people are valid. arguing that is part of their connection. But the answer isn’t to make it an obligation or a duty. Because if your partner feels like sex with you is an obligation or a duty, is that the most fun for you either like I think most of us want to feel wanted, right? We want to feel actually connected, we want to have a good time together. So I think keeping that is the focus, when sex has kind of been on the decline in your relationship can really lead to a great reconnection and lots of pleasure, and having that association with sex. So if your partner’s not as interested, you know, be curious with them, figure out like, hey, what would help you get in the mood, you need to relax? First? Do you want a massage? First? Are you not getting enough alone time are you kind of touched out from the kids are tapped out from work. But having those discussions and seeing how you can make it a positive association for them is such a better way to go. Okay, so another fun comment I’ve gotten on Instagram, is that we are encouraging kids to change their genders, which I just think is fascinating. And it’s kind of this idea that, you know, being LGBTQ is a trendy thing. And, you know, it’s just like something that kids are all doing these days. And what I think is interesting is, you know, there’s a lot of evidence across centuries and across cultures, of people expressing gender in different ways. And of people being androgynous. Before there was necessarily labels, or before there was necessarily any acceptance of, you know, changing gender. And I also want to just say that there’s a big difference between accepting people’s choices and accepting that there are more options these days, versus running out and telling all the kids like, Hey, I know that you were born a girl, but you want to be a boy, right? Like, I don’t, I don’t think there’s anyone out there trying to like, manipulate, or encouraged kids to change their gender. So I think we just need to be mindful of that. And if it’s something where you’re like, hey, I don’t really get this gender thing and whatever, like, that’s cool. Like, be curious, you know, you got to start somewhere, it might not make sense to you and like, I am so happy on this podcast to answer those questions like, this is a safe space for all the questions. So if you’re kind of like, hey, Heather, I heard you talk about the, you know, the fucked up ideas about sex. But like, I don’t know what the eff is going on with people’s genders like asked me a question. People do tend to think that it’s all just about like, pronouns and bathrooms. But there’s, you know, a lot more to it as well. And the way I view it is, all of us get to choose how we want to show up in this world in this life, and what feels in alignment for us and what feels authentic. And I’m in support of that for all humans, regardless of you know what that looks like. Because I think when we’re all coming from a place where we feel good about ourselves, where we’re being authentic, that’s making the world a better place. Okay, next up, we have BDSM is scary, violent, and not a loving form of sex. So partially, this is an interesting one, right? So there’s a book by Justin Lee Miller called Tell me what you want. And it gets into this really big survey, I think it was about 4000. People don’t quote me on that. But it was a lot of people. It was, I think, the largest survey about sexual desires that has ever been done in the US. And it was like 96%, it was definitely the 90s 96% of people surveyed had at least had like one BDSM fantasy at some point in their life. So I think it’s interesting that we are still kind of hesitant or not so sure about this as a society. And it’s not surprising, because I think there’s a lot of aspects, you know, of ourselves that we’re not fully comfortable with. And I think that’s what’s being represented here is like, okay, maybe I am one of those 96% that has had at least one of those fantasies, but like, I don’t know, is it bad that I did? Or should I or is that bad? And so I just want to toss out there what if it’s not? What if it’s fine? First of all, you can have a fantasy and not act on it. Secondly, you can act on it and negotiate your terms to think about what you’d really feel comfortable with, and what feels like something you’d rather keep as a fantasy. Third, like I mentioned before, you know, being sex positive, it’s like, hey, anything between consenting adults is cool. One of the things in the kink community that I like it’s called RAC it stands for risk aware consensual kink. And so it’s the idea of you know, let’s be as educated as possible let’s do some research. Let’s look into it and not just kind of throw caution to the wind and have an unwanted repercussions now, sometimes you’re gonna have unwanted repercussions anyways, and then then you deal with it right? Then you know better for next time. So it’s good to realize that is a risk right? risk aware apart. So that’s one thing to keep in mind with that. And also not all, you know, kink or BDSM is scary, it’s not all violent. Sometimes it could be a roleplay, sometimes it could be more of a sensual domination. So there’s a lot of different directions to go with this. But I also want to say even if it is, you know, impact play or something like that, or they’re spanking or writing crops, or you know, bondage or something like that, that it can still be a loving form of sex, because I think, and I think even a spiritual form, because when we are surrendering to somebody, that’s the spiritual concept for me, when we are fully accepting ourselves, when we are being vulnerable to share this part of ourselves with someone that we don’t normally share. When we’re sharing it, even though it’s not 100%, you know, accepted in society. And we’re like, opening up to this partner about our desires anyways, like, that’s all intimacy, right? Like, that’s building trust, that’s building connection, that’s helping to build long term safety and so, but it’s also accepting your partner. So even if you’re not the one who brings up this idea, and you’re like, hey, like, I love you, I care for you. Like, let’s explore this together. That’s a loving thing. To me, having sex, this is the next one, having sex with other people, when you’re already partnered is always wrong. So we live in a society in the US and most of the western world where you know, monogamy is the still the norm, still somewhat the expectation, but there is a growing trend, I would say, of non monogamy. I think that as we become more conscious as a society, we start to question everything that we’ve been handed. And so we’re kind of handed this you know, platter of monogamy. And it’s kind of like, okay, but what if I want to do this? What if I want to do that? And why is this bad? And says who? And you know, so I think it’s great that we’re asking all of those questions. And at the same time, it doesn’t mean that it’s what we all need to do. I think regardless of whether we’re choosing monogamy or non monogamy, it’s about making a conscious choice. So really reflecting based on your own experiences your own desires, separate from what anyone else or any, you know, church or any school or government tells you is how you should live your life is you know, you checking with you, you checking with you know, if you have a higher power connection to Source energy, you checking with that directly, rather than having those intermediaries tell you what you should be doing with your body and your sex life. Also, there’s a lot of degrees of this so what I guess my point here with the monogamy non monogamy is the whole ethical non monogamy idea, the idea that, you know, there’s cheating, right? Where you have an agreement with a partner to be monogamous. And then there’s an agreement where you say, you know why, like, you’re going to have a hall pass, or if you’re traveling, I don’t need to know what you do, or, Hey, let’s actually, you know, bring someone else in the bedroom together, or what if we both, you know, have other friends with benefits that we you know, can be sexual with, or maybe you are full on polyamorous and you’re like, hey, I have multiple long term partners who I love. And, you know, I’m invested and committed to those relationships as well. And it’s all on the up and up, and everyone knows about each other. So my point when talking about this one is just that it one is a spectrum. And you can be anywhere on the spectrum you want to be, right I view that I view most of life is sort of a spectrum, including sexuality. So it’s not wrong, right? If no one’s telling you, it’s wrong. So I think that’s worth looking at. Like if there’s a part of you that’s like, I’m curious about this, but certainly not what I was brought up with. It’s certainly not anything I was ever told was okay. To just kind of question that, like, Okay, well, who’s telling you it’s not okay, now? Is that source, something that you want to listen to? Or is that not feeling right for you. But I do think it’s important if you go down this path of exploring non monogamy to realize that it’s not a one size fits all. So even if you find some people who are doing non monogamy in a way that really works for them, doesn’t mean that way is going to work for you. So once again, it’s all about coming back to yourself. And what really feels true and authentic for you. And in a lot of this podcast is about questioning these ideas, right? It’s like when you question you’re able to come to your own conclusions and have your own direct experiences and make that consciously aware choice rather than sort of an autopilot. unconscious, unintentional default choice. So that’s what I’m trying to help you guys do. Another myth about sex is this Just one, I feel like I got this impression growing up, men are after only one thing. And so I think that the way I interpreted this was, you know, I am supposed to be defensive, almost, it’s almost like men are on the offensive, and I should be on the defensive, like, men just want sex. And so I’m going to try and like hold out as long as possible to make sure they actually like me, because, you know, men could never actually just also want to connect emotionally, right, heaven forbid. And the way that I interpreted this growing up, I’m curious, actually, if you interpret it this way or not, is that for men, sex was just about like getting off and kind of more like superficial and that kind of thing. And one of the things I’ve learned from working with male clients, which has been so awesome, is that they really care. You know, working with men who have a girlfriend or have a wife, and they want to please this person and have a good relationship. And sometimes they’re making a ton of effort. And it’s maybe just made in a way where it’s not landing. Exactly. And that’s where I come in and help a little bit. But also, when I hear from men what sex means to them. It’s not like, oh, man, I just like to, you know, stick it in there and get, you know, it’s usually like, yeah, I feel validated, I feel connected, like when we don’t have sex for a while, I just feel kind of, you know, off on my own, or kind of rejected or not loved, you know, so it’s hearing this from men directly over the years has really helped me realize, first of all, men are not only after one thing. Second of all, even when they are highly interested in sex, it’s not just to get off, like if, if that were the case, they could use their hands, you know what I mean? And so I think it’s important when we’re talking about sex with another human, it’s about connecting, right? Again, we can all do it on our own. So I think that’s important to keep in mind. And I think it’s important to let go of that stereotype. Because, you know, sure, there’s masculinity kind of gone wrong. But that doesn’t mean that all masculinity is bad, and doesn’t mean that all men are the same. And it doesn’t mean that men are only after one thing, a last one and feel like this one might be one that applies to a lot of people. But the idea that, actually, I misread a word in my notes, we’re going to make this a double. So the way I just read it was sex is bad and immoral, right. And so I think that’s the fucked up idea around sex, we were literally all created because of sex. Unless you’re a petri dish, baby, which maybe you were, and that’s cool. But we’re created from sex. And so I think some of the discomfort we have in having sex and getting naked in talking about sex. It’s almost like our discomfort with like ourselves in general, and our discomfort with like, being enough physical body and like being alive, because sex is so fundamental. So when I look at how, you know, we’re censored on social media, another form of sex negativity in our culture, you know, I can’t spell the word sex on Instagram, or they’re going to shadow ban me or whatever. And so you see all these brilliant, well educated sex therapists and sex educators spelling it, like S E, G, GSSECKS, s, underscore e x, right, because we can’t talk about it. And so I think that’s perpetuating this idea that sex is bad and immoral. And it’s like, no, sex is fundamental. Sex is pleasurable. Sex is connective. Sex has health benefits, you know, but we’re just continuing to perpetuate this story of like, Nope, it’s bad. And it’s wrong. And it’s scary. Doesn’t have consequences. Yeah, absolutely. Right. And I think it’s good to look at all sides of it. But right now, there’s a pretty narrow and biased perspective, that it’s bad, no moral. The last one that I’ll get into the double one. So what I had actually written was sex work is bad and immoral. And this is one where, you know, many years ago, I probably was like, yeah, that’s bad. Why did I think that? Just because that’s what everyone else said. Right? Like, there was not really any kind of like direct experience with it. There was not really any kind of real reason aside from like, well, Church says, this is immoral, or my family would think this is immoral, or the government says this is illegal in most states, therefore, it must be immoral. But now, you know, having had clients that are sex workers, having worked with surrogate partner with one of my clients, I just think like, there’s a lot of benefits actually, I think there’s a lot of benefits to society. I think people who, maybe you haven’t had sex in a while and they kind of want to have someone who’s definitely not going to reject them. Someone that who’s going to help them kind of get back in the swing of things. Somebody who maybe has a hard time finding a sex partner for whatever reason. He’s in could be disability could be competence, who knows. And I think being able to have that outlet that ability to connect is so helpful. And you know, maybe they’re interested in a type of sex that’s hard to find a partner for. And there’s sex workers out there who are happy to do that. And then I think there’s therapeutic forms of sex work, such as surrogate partners that are just like amazingly healing, and allow people to take the work that I’m doing with them and get hands on experience and truly experience some transformation. So I think it’s important that we look at where our judgments are coming from and where they’re rooted. So yeah, I hope this was an illuminating episode for you guys. I’ve already talked a bunch about it. But you know, look at your own judgment, look at where they come from. Notice where you are feeling fearful or threatened and do some parts work and work through your own emotions, do some journaling, look at you know, why might you be getting some of these sex negative messages? And how do you actually want to feel about sex? So if this resonated share this episode, I think this is a great one to help start shifting ideas with people or just questioning ideas a little bit. So share it with your partner, share with your friends, start a conversation, and I will catch you guys next time.
Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. grab yours now. Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist
