08 Spicing Up Your Sex Life
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Welcome, welcome, everybody. I am here to talk to you today about spicing up your sex life. So this is another one of the most common questions I get is, you know, how do we spice things up? And answering the question is actually a little bit more complicated than you would think. So I’m going to give you some resources today. And then I’m also going to share with you a new quiz that I developed, that’s going to help you figure out how to spice up your sex life based on your personal preferences. So stay tuned for that. But yeah, a lot of people come to me talking about, you know, then together for a while, and you know, sex is fine. And you know, we kind of know what works for each other. And I think when people say that what they mean is, we know what works to help us to have an orgasm, right? But there’s a sense of of being almost like overly familiar kind of falling into a routine falling into a rut, kind of just like boring sex. And so they’re like, you know, hey, yeah, we still we still have sex. That’s great. But how do we spice things up? How do we take it to the next level? And I sometimes think that implied in that question is, you know, how do we keep seeing each other as sexual beings? And how do we keep getting excited about it instead of just like, okay, like, this will be fine. This is what we usually do. And typically, when I get asked this question, it is from people in long term relationships. Okay. And that’s not shocking. We kind of all know that, you know, when you meet someone new, I think that that novelty factor, and all the hormones that are going on, at that time kind of overrides, even people who have low libido is can kind of really be in the mood those first few months. So understanding like how do we keep like stoking the fire, so to speak. So we’re going to start with low hanging fruit. What that means is, kind of do what you did when you were dating. So if when you were dating, you put on cute outfits, and you planned outings, and you held hands, and you told each other how great you looked. And you both initiated maybe, or, you know, all of that helps to foster that, like sex drive and turn on an excitement. And when someone’s new to us, there’s sort of this anticipation really, anticipation is such a huge cornerstone of what eroticism and turn on is all about. But when you’ve been in a long term relationship, when you you know, stood by each other through major illnesses through, you know, very sad or traumatic periods of your life, when you live together, and you share chores, and you maybe your co parenting, and you know, all of those things that we don’t think of as quote unquote, sexy, maybe even digestive issues, maybe people don’t close the door when they go to the bathroom anymore. So you know, I get that. And some of it is a little bit unavoidable. Some of it, you can decide, are these boundaries working for us? Or do we need to kind of shift some of them to kind of keep a little mystery going. And it’s worth taking the time to just be intentional. And to kind of assess, really, I think that’s what I’m really wanting for you guys today is just to take a look at how do we used to do things when it was hot and heavy and probably new. What’s different now? What can we learn from what used to work for us and implement it? Because usually, when I’m working with couples, and we get into this topic, they kind of admit pretty quickly, like, oh, yeah, we don’t do any of that anymore. So I think this is the best place to start. I’m like such a huge fan of helping people to get quick wins that they can implement and start seeing positive changes in their relationship right away. So start with what did we do when we were dating that worked? Now, there are some couples that I get who say, we never really were that hot and heavy. We never really had that much spice or that much spark. In those cases. I do think it’s usually worth going to see a sex therapist individually and figure out you know, what led you to that is this something we can build. I am a believer that a lot of chemistry and sexual tension can be created through creating anticipation and through learning someone’s turn ons and through not game playing exactly, but You know, not sharing every little detail, keeping some sense of independence, keeping some sense of separation. So that’s something to keep in mind too. You know, usually when you’re first dating, you have separate lives, you live in separate places, you’re really looking forward to time together. And so you’re probably not going to be able to create that level of, you know, independence, if you’re living together, if you’re co parenting, all of those things. But how can you create some, right, we’re just looking to move in the general right direction. So that’s, that’s where you’re going to start. Alright, so then the next point that I want to bring up to you guys, is creativity when it comes to sex. And I have some theories about this. I’m a big fan of creativity in general, but especially when it comes to sex. And I’m also just gonna say that, that can take some work, right? We might be tired, we have a million other things going on our life, it’s so easy for other things to become priorities, we’re thinking about paying bills, we’re thinking about, you know, aging parents, we’re thinking about, you know, an argument with a family member or a friend or our partner. And so in the midst of that, to be thinking of creative sexy ideas can feel like a tall order, but I’m going to try and make this a little bit easier for you guys, and kind of give you a head start with where to look how to, you know, have fresh ideas, so that you’re not feeling like, Well, we do missionary and, and doggy and sometimes speak each other’s butts. We’re, you know, I do oral and then they do oral, and then we have some kind of you know, intercourse, or whatever you choose to do. And then that’s it. It’s so easy for it to start to feel scripted. So I think because sex is not talked about in our society nearly enough, we kind of don’t know where to look, we don’t really know where to get ideas, we don’t really know kind of what’s in play. And before I give you like a big resource list, which I will, I’m a big resource fan, but you know, it’ll be in the show notes. And you can access that. And you know, I’ll also just say them out loud, because you’re probably driving. But I think the most important thing is just our mindset. So if we go into sex thinking, okay, there’s like a couple erogenous zones, going to spend some time there. And I kind of know what this person likes. Okay, I’m gonna do that, like the couple things I know, they like. It’s actually limiting us. And I think the reason why we don’t kind of venture out of that sexual comfort zone is because it’s vulnerable, right? And so what I would recommend is one, create an atmosphere of safety to explore. So you and your partner have to agree, hey, we’re gonna need to start trying some new things. Let’s try getting out of our comfort zone. Are you on board with that? Cool, okay, you can use this podcast as an excuse, hey, I was listening to this lady’s bond guys. And she talked about sexual creativity. What do you think about that, so feel free to use me as a reason to bring up the topic. So bring up the topic, though, get on the same page. And you have to kind of agree that if we try something that’s out of the comfort zone, it doesn’t go well, we’re still good, you know, and then maybe the next time you go back to the comfort zone for for a session or two, and then you try something again. And so I think it’s just getting into the pattern of regularly trying new things. And knowing that it doesn’t have to go a certain way. We’re not attaching to an outcome. So when we attach to an outcome, it’s basically a recipe for anxiety, right? And is not the most sexy emotion. Right? It’s like, if we’re sitting there feeling pressure, like, must make them come must make them, you know, have a blissful experience. What if it’s just like, hey, I don’t know what’s gonna happen, let’s just try some stuff, it’s going to be different. We’re going to learn something, we’re either going to learn that we like it, or that we don’t. And the more you know, and the more data you have, that’s also going to start pointing you in other directions to explore. So if it’s like, hey, we haven’t really explored kink, let’s start doing some of that, ooh, this is a direction we could get into. Cool. Now let’s find other ideas in that realm. Or, huh, like we really like more of a central experience. And when we start really focusing on that, that’s a whole kind of room to explore. So I really look at it like, you’re not going to know the end destination. And you kind of have to be okay with that. But if you can just pick a step or two for now, and start to get a sense of what direction you want to keep going in. That’s a huge win. Okay, so that’s step one. Step two, set the tone of say 50 and the relationship will say that step two is going to be expand your mind, right? We have to kind of stop thinking, here’s what I’m supposed to do. Because we see movies and we see porn and we hear what other people talk about when it comes to sex. And we read magazines or articles online, whatever it is. And I think if we just erase that, and we’re just really present with this person in front of us, and just really curious, it might be, I’m gonna say some silly things, by the way. So, you know, it might be like, I’m gonna touch the inside of their elbow. You know, let’s just do it. And I don’t think we think we do this. And like, oh, that’s gonna be so erotic, right? It’s gonna be so sexy when I touch the inside of your elbow. But it could be a curiosity, it could be like, I’m gonna like lightly grease inside of their forearm. It’s like a really delicate area, the skin is delicate and can be sensitive or, you know, the spine. There’s a lot of nerve endings around the spine. Let me kind of do more with that. Feet Sampey. Obviously, there’s people with foot fetishes, but you don’t have to have a foot fetish to touch someone’s foot, you know. So getting outside our usual comfort zone, and breaking it up, right? It could even just be like touching your partner space in a different way. But when you just kind of start looking at it, like here is a human, here is a body? And what if I erase everything else I know. And I’m just like, Huh, I wonder what it will feel like to touch their hands and just like spend some time, even on like the palm of their hand, our hands have a ton of nerve endings, right? So what if instead of it being a few erogenous zones that we want to hit, it’s more of just like an exploration without as much of an end goal. And this is what I work with a lot with couples who haven’t had sex in a long time is, let’s have a sensual experience. Let’s have a curious experience. You can even do something where you take turns, you know, like, Hey, I’m going to just kind of explore your body in this way, for 15 minutes. And then let me know what you like, let me know what your favorite parts were. And then there’ll be good information for me. And then you’re gonna touch my body for you know, 15 minutes, and I’ll let you know what’s what’s good from that. So you can do things like that, and you can focus on, you know, what you want to do as the toucher with consent, so maybe your partner who’s being touched can tell you up front, here’s the parts of my body, I’m comfortable being touched, here’s the ones I don’t really feel like doing right now. So kind of set your ground rules, and you’re gonna notice that with a lot of what I talk about, is that I think it’s so important to have kind of a meta conversations, like we’re gonna have a pre conversation about, like creating a safe space for each other of like, acceptance and exploration and non judgement, right. So from that place of creating the non judgement and the safe space, then we get to kind of start exploring more freely. And again, like I just said, it doesn’t always have to be overtly sexual, it can just be an exploration. And even if you’re like, hey, if it’s a day, you’re tired, if it’s a day, you have a headache, that’s such a great way to connect, without having to be like all this exertion or effort if you’re just not in that headspace, or if you’re not there physically. So that’s one thought. The other thought is there are a ton of resources out there, right? I think that we default to getting our ideas from kind of mainstream pornography, and it’s just not very creative. There are some better sites and so I will link to some of those in the show notes. Make Love Not porn is an interesting one, because it’s real couples. So I think that people like that for a lot of different reasons. You can try some more like feminist porn, you can try some more like subculture porn. So there’s a lot of different ideas there. FetLife is a really interesting one, if you are into or open to more of the kink and BDSM stuff, because even just looking through the list of potential fetishes that people can put on their profile, it is extensive, and you’re going to hear of stuff that you’ve never heard of before. So that can even kind of get your wheels turning. Also, if you look at pictures on FetLife, you’re gonna see pictures of real bodies, it’s not perfect lighting and makeup, and whatever grooming is, you know, quote unquote, supposed to be. So that can be actually great for body image as well. But also just for ideas, some of the resources I like, or the yes, no, maybe less kind of similar. So the pleasure chest sex toy stores has one that I’ll link to, but it goes over kind of a list. I think they have two sides of it. So one side is more vanilla sex, which is more kind of like mainstream, acceptable types of stuff. And then one side is more like kink BDSM. And a lot of that’s probably gonna be stuff they haven’t heard of. So go through it though. And what’s so fascinating is I often have couples come to me and one might feel like they’re more open minded or they’re more like sexually progressive and they feel like their partner is kind of vanilla or kind of like repressed or not that open minded. And when we start going through this, the partner who’s quote unquote, work Rest is actually open to a lot of things and the other partners like, Oh, really, you would do that, or you would consider that. So I think it’s a great exercise for people to do. And there’s also we should try it is a great quiz. So that is one where you and your partner can both fill it out separately and say what stuff you’re into. And then it will spit out a list for you just have the areas where you overlap. So some couples that I’m working with having that discussion about the yes, no, maybe list can get stressful. But if you just focus on the list where you do agree, I think that can be like a very nice, pretty safe feeling starting point, because there’s probably stuff on there that you’ve never done, even though you both would be happy to do it. So I love that as a resource. The other thing I think would be fun is you know, especially if you’re not into, you know, video porn or don’t want to look into a lot of that stuff, is some of the Netflix shows. So Netflix has gotten, I think a lot more progressive with some of their sexual topics. So there is a series where they partnered with goop called sex, love and goop. And there’s an episode with Jaya where she talks about like different types of like blueprints of people being maybe more energetic kind of feeling the vibe, feeling the energy when it comes to sex, other people will be more kinky, other people being more sensual. And so there was there’s a few different ones. And so watching something like that, and actually, I’d recommend that whole series, it’s just going to kind of get you to start thinking differently. So like when we’re trying to be more creative, we have to seek things out that are different than what our own brain is coming up with. And then as we’re kind of like, putting in new input, our brains gonna come up with different things, which is super cool. All right. The other show on Netflix, I think is fun is called How to build a sex room. I mainly watched an episode of that with my mom, which was a little bit weird. But it’s an interesting one, I actually really love interior design as well. So it’s kind of a combo of that I think I thought it was going to be more design focused than it was when we decided to watch this together. But she really gets into more like sex coaching almost. And she, the designer, slash host gets into that and really showing people you know, ways to expand their sex life. So that’s a great show, if you’re looking to do that as well. So the last piece I want to leave you with is you know, I’m developing a quiz for you guys. So when we’re talking about spicing up your life, I realized I can’t just give people straight answers to that. Because people mean different things. When they say they want to spice up their life, I might start saying like, I gotta get some handcuffs in a riding crop. And people might be like, what, we wanted to have a threesome and I was like, oh, okay, or some people might really mean they want to be more like Central and romantic, or some people might just feel like they want to try different positions or like not just have sex in the bedroom all the time. So there’s a lot of different ways to spice things up. So you can check out my sexual spice quiz on my website, Heather shannon.co. That’s Heather shannon.co. And you’ll get more of a personalized report on how to spice things up based on your preferences. And I’m also going to throw some stuff in there that’s just generally good for communication, and setting a good tone for a great sexual experience. So I hope that all of this was helpful. I’m always open to your feedback too. So feel free to reach out and I will catch you all next episode. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom. Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. grab yours now at Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist
