09 How to Feel Sexy
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, I am here to talk with you about how to feel sexy. So if you never really felt super sexy, if you’re trying to get your sexy back, get to a place of feeling yourself again, I’m here for it. And I also just want to say, you know, I’ve been there, sometimes I feel sexy, sometimes I don’t, it’s okay. What I really want for people is to feel in tune with your body, to feel in tune with your energy, your mood, your thoughts, those are really important too. Because when we’re aware, then we can recalibrate. And so there’s a lot of power in awareness, especially, and most importantly, when it’s not coming from a place of judgment. So a lot of people I work with and myself maybe a decade ago would be like, you know how good self awareness is done me. But the key is, you can’t be judging the crap out of yourself. So if you’re aware, just like, Oh, that’s interesting information. Okay, what do I want to do with that, that’s what we’re aiming for here. So now, let’s say this is where you’re at, you’re just like, Okay, I kind of want to be feeling myself again, and have a little bit more of that vitality, or just like a little bit of strut, you know, so we’re gonna go over a few different ways that you can remove the obstacles to feeling sexy, because I think our default is kind of feeling sexy. So we’re gonna look at what are those obstacles? So one of them is, you know, what is sexy? What are the ideas from our culture, about what sexy is we’re going to talk about being mindful of what you consume media wise, and how impactful that can be, we’re gonna get into healing your trauma, can’t promise we’re going to heal all the trauma. In one podcast episode. This is not therapy. But we’re going to talk about how that can affect how you’re feeling about yourself, we’re going to talk about taking care of your body and what that means, especially from, you know, health and every size type of approach. And we’re also going to take inventory of how you’re spending your days because some approaches to a daily schedule are not very conducive to sexiness. And so we’re going to look at that. And then we’re going to talk about what does it look like to put some of this in action, you know, to actually kind of take some stock of what’s going on with your day to day life, while you’re maybe not feeling as sexy as you’d like to feel right now and some concrete steps to get your sex back. Alright, so made up ideas from our culture. I grew up and I don’t know that no one ever sat me down and was like, hey, Heather, this is what sexy is but somehow I got the idea that you know, sexy is thin, sexy is probably white sexy is probably blonde, maybe for women. And so beauty standards are also kind of ridiculous, right? Like your customers be like hairless? Like, never have any acne. You’re never supposed to get any wrinkles. Yeah, like your body’s just not so you’re not supposed to have cellulite. Definitely not supposed to have stretch marks. And you’re probably also supposed to be happy all the time.
And I mean, I’m laughing because like, it’s so absurd, like, this
is crazy talk, right? That, like, that’s what sexy is, but I do think you know, and I will say regardless of gender, so you also might be getting messages that like sexy is one gender or the other, right? There’s not a lot of examples of, you know, non binary people, or trans people like we are having more and more, which is very cool. But and also men, you know, I think that a lot of men struggle with body image as well certainly, you know, clients that I’ve worked with, and you know, they have a different set of standards that you’re supposed to be muscular, and lean and tall and have a full head of hair and probably make a bunch of money. So there’s these ideas, I’m not even sure where they came from. Right. Another fascinating thing to me is that these ideas are the set of ideas changes, right? So it might be like, oh, like a very, like narrow body frame is in no, now a curvy body butts are back in it’s okay to have. There’s different, you know, times in history and in different locations where you know, the whole Rubenesque figure is in and then it’s like, oh, no, no, no, that’s not in it. There’s like a status associated with it. So sometimes it’s like, what can wealthy people do? So it’s like, oh, wealthy people can eat a lot. And so like larger body types are going to be in because they can afford that. And so then that’s going to be what’s beautiful or what’s beautiful is determined. into by people who are influential in a culture or society, or people who are marketing to us. And I will also mention the BMI that we kind of all based like, Oh, are we a healthy weight or not? Just like it feels like a tool to judge ourselves. But seven out of nine people this is quoted from come as you are by Emily Nagurski, by the way. So another nine people who were like on the panel to determine the whole BMI chart worked in the weight loss industry. So my point in telling you this is like, it’s all a load of like, made up crap, right? And I’m not even sorry to burst your bubble. Because what if what if sexy is like not a competition? What if sexy is not just like a very narrowly defined idea that we’ve already established is made up? What if it’s all of us, what are the rest of it is just an illusion, and a myth, kind of just want you to sit with that for a moment, you are sexy, just as you are. I also happen to think that sexy is sexual energy, you know that it’s part of our essence, it’s much more than our physical body. So you know, if you’re somebody who has gone through health issues, if you know, your body doesn’t look like it used to, or work, how it used to what if that doesn’t define you either, right? And our bodies are going to change like for all of us. So if we’re real, real attached to sexy equals looking a certain way, or my body performing a certain way, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. All right, we’re gonna move on, because I feel like I can just talk about that one forever. Next one, and be mindful of what you consume media wise. So there was a really interesting study done, and it was based in Fiji. And they used to basically not have disordered eating and major body image issues. And then they started importing British and American media. And then it was like 20, some percent of the women developed disordered eating or full on eating disorders. And again, fascinating, not in a fun way. And what I see with clients is like, when they talk to me, like, I just don’t feel that cute, I don’t feel that sexy. I just don’t feel like, you know, attractive is through consuming a ton of stuff. That is not helpful, right? And so what I’m wanting for you guys is to make conscious choices like what information are you putting in your brain? What thoughts are you offering to yourself? So if you are, you know, following the Kardashians, and if you are seeing ads for you know, med spas, or Botox, or cosmetic surgeries, or if you are, you know, just being flooded with like, not feeling great about your appearance, like take these pills do this, right? Or if you if you’re trying to be healthy, and you’re following, like fitness accounts on Instagram or something like that. Sometimes we look at those and think, oh, I should look like that. Right? So what I want you to notice is how do you feel? How do you feel when you are consuming that media? And so I’m ruthless. With my Instagram, I don’t follow a ton of people, I go through who I’m following every once in a while, and I’m kind of like, you know, I’m not getting much from this or, you know, I don’t like how I feel when I look at this one. And as I’m going through my feed, if I’m like, I’m not the vibe I’m going for just immediately unfollow, right. And so it’s kind of like a discipline or a practice that we can do. Some people also will just fall on delete some of the social media apps, and I absolutely support that. But the idea is you are tuning in with you to see how you feel. Same thing with TV shows, right? You might be watching a TV show and feeling kind of like, oh, okay, I thought I like this. But I’m actually sitting here feeling bad about myself. Sometimes we don’t even pause to question. And so I’ve had those moments where I kind of might question myself with watching, you know, certain reality TV especially, and thinking that was kind of a trashy show, but then I might notice I’m laughing and smiling like, oh, well, it’s actually kind of working for me. Great. Continue, right. But if you’re noticing, Oh, I thought I liked this. But I’m actually sitting here feeling bad about myself and judging myself and comparing. And that’s not the direction I want to go in just stop. And I would say just stop immediately, you know, and then figure out your next move. Okay, so if I don’t want to watch this, what do I want to do? Same thing with, you know, what we’re reading stuff that we’re looking up online. So just like we are encouraged to be mindful of what we’re putting in our bodies in terms of you know, food and things like that. Be mindful of what you put in your mind. And if you’re not ready to let go of certain things that maybe don’t make you feel your best, I would say start with adding some things that do help you feel your best. So actively seeking out people who are different, you know, ages and sizes and body types and races and have different disabilities or abilities and to make that part of your world so you’re not getting this really narrow focus because I think what’s happening yeah, I’m almost like figuring this out as I’m talking about it. But one of the things that I’ve talked with clients about for a long time is anxiety is kind of a narrowing of focus sometimes so when we’re feeling stressed about something and feeling The anxious, it’s almost like we forget about all the other aspects of who we are and all the other aspects of our life. And we just narrow in on this one thing and decide that like, it’s bad because we’re not achieving a certain outcome. So it’s the attachment to outcome and kind of the narrowing of focus. And that’s what happens, I think with the media and you know, the body image stuff and not feeling sexy. So be aware, let go of the attachment to the results, expand the focus and see how that helps because it will, all right. Next one is healing your trauma. So sometimes when we have sexual trauma, but not even just sexual trauma, but physical trauma, relational trauma, anything that felt traumatic to you, we’re just going to define it really broadly, that way, we shut down parts of ourselves, right. And so maybe if people you got a lot of unwanted comments about your body, you maybe kind of shut down your sexuality in some way, maybe you kind of almost purposely blocked some of that sexual energy that otherwise would be flowing through you. And it might also be, you know, a specific sexual trauma where you’re uncomfortable with certain sexual activities, or it’s hard to feel safe. And again, that could be the case, even just with relational trauma, you can maybe feel emotionally safe, but not physically or physically safe, but not emotionally safe. So again, tuning into that for yourself, communicating it with partners is a really good place to start. But this is an area where actively seeking out some support and doing some of that, admittedly, not very easy healing work is so so so rewarding, right. And so many of us also weren’t encouraged to feel our feelings. And I know, you know, I talked about the emotions of sex in an earlier episode, and kind of how to work with your own emotions. So it’s really important to have those basic skills. But sometimes, and I think this is also where internal family systems and mindfulness and other body based psycho therapies like, you know, sensorimotor, psychotherapy or EMDR, for example, can be helpful. And so different approaches, different modalities work for different people. So just because you’ve tried one doesn’t mean that you know, there’s no hope for you try all the other ones, right, there’s actually infinite options. Some people are into, you know, the psychedelic assisted therapy, there’s different ketamine clinics out there. So there’s so many ways to approach this. But if you’re feeling like you’re a little bit shut down, you’re not feeling yourself, maybe you’re even blocking, you know, people flirting with you, or people giving you sexual attention, because it doesn’t feel safer, you’re not quite sure how to stay present and handle yourself in a way that would help you feel safe, get some support, right? That’s a really important one for you feeling healthy and yourself, you feeling healthy in your intimate relationships, and possibly even you feeling healthy and safe and all of your relationships. So you know, you deserve to have healing. So in internal family systems, the way that works is we have these exiled parts were largely our culture tells us that they’re unacceptable. And so we push them into the dark basement corner of our psyche. And those parts are carrying our trauma burdens, okay, and so there might be a part like a shame part, let’s say that we’ve pushed away because shame is not a super fun one to feel. And there’s maybe certain incidents, that that part is kind of holding on to and that impact us, right, and then we kind of protect ourselves. Like, I’m just going to shut that down, I’m just not going to look at that. I’m just going to avoid sex, right. And so healing that frees us up. So then we don’t have to be running away from things hiding things compartmentalizing, and we can move forward in a healthy way. So heal your trauma. Next, take care of your body. This is basic, and I’m not preaching any kind of certain diet, I’m not preaching any kind of certain exercise schedule. This is whatever taking care of your body means for you. And again, we’re not going to attach to an outcome of looking a certain way. This is about how do I show up with love and care for my body today, that might mean laying in bed. I’m not gonna tell you what it means. It might mean you know, I love going to an infrared sauna. So it might mean you know, going there for me, and that’s something that helps me feel really good. It might mean going on a walk, it might mean turning on some of your favorite songs and just dancing in the kitchen. So whatever that looks like for you, you know, building some stretching into your morning or something like that doing the foam rolling even though you don’t want to do it, you know, it’s actually showing up for yourself with loving care. So that’s important because when we take care of our body, we tend to feel better about it. And this is something I see with clients all the time. So if they’re struggling with body image, they might say, oh, you know what, I’ve been going to the gym the last couple of weeks and No, I haven’t lost any weight or like nothing major change, like I do feel better. And I think it’s because every time we show up for ourselves, we’re sending ourselves a message that we are worth showing up for. And actually I will make a caveat here I am emphasizing with this how we are showing up and what kind of Energy we’re bringing to it, it’s really important because when we show up to exercise or eat a certain way, from a place of self punishment, from a place of telling ourselves, we’re not good enough as we are, that’s not going to work, you’re not going to get your sexy back that way. I know, it’s tempting. Sometimes, you’ve probably tried it, though. I think if you’re really honest with yourself, you already know it doesn’t work, I think we can motivate ourselves from a place of you know, fear, or, you know, self loathing for a short period of time, I don’t think it lasts. I think self compassion and self love is such a better motivator. And it’s okay to even just feel like, okay, like, I want to be in that self loving place. So I’m going to do this, even if I’m not totally feeling the self love yet, that’s okay. Because the intention of self love is still there. So, come from that place, show up, take care of your body, and it’s gonna help you feel sexy. All right. And so the next thing I want you guys to do is take an inventory of how you spend your days. So if you are spending your days, and I’m thinking right now, a mom with young kids, but this could be anybody. But if you’re spending your days, you know, running around chasing after a two year old or something like that, and changing diapers or, you know, breastfeeding or cleaning up the house. And, you know, it could also be just working a lot could be spending my days working, I work 60 hours a week, you know, I don’t feel like I have time to take great care of myself, I My thoughts are all about all the tasks that have to be done. And I don’t even have the space in my life to feel sexy, then that’s the reality that you’re creating. And so I think just by looking at that, just by looking at where’s my energy going, where’s my focus going? Am I my flirting? And all throughout my day? Am I even kind of feeling any sort of, you know, vibrant, newness, vibrancy? Whatever that word, is I feeling that or am I just kind of shut down? Am I going through the motions? And no shame, right? Like if you’re, if you are just going through the motions, and you’re not even really sure how to get out of it. That’s probably another good time to get some support. But notice it and again, going back to becoming aware without judgment. So what if it’s okay to just notice it right now, you don’t have to jump into solution mode, but take stock, sit with it, and see what kind of solutions arise without having a strain and an effort and force some kind of change. So what we’re talking about today is interesting, because as a whole, it doesn’t sound like ooh, so sexy, right? Sounds like okay, it was like deep emotional work. And, you know, journaling and taking stock and healing trauma, and I get that, but that is why it is so important to do the work. Because when we are willing to show up and do the work, we get our energy back, we get our confidence back, we get our self esteem back and we feel ourselves and we get our sexy back and we you know, can put that out into the world. I think of us as having this little energy center, you know, like in our heart that we kind of radiate out and sometimes it gets smaller and we’re not kind of radiating out as much as that lifeforce energy right. I talked about sexual energy being lifeforce energy, and vice versa. And so it’s just nurturing that lifeforce energy, and then also when we’re healing these beliefs, and we’re like letting go of thoughts that don’t serve us and we’re not consuming media that doesn’t serve us. It’s like there’s just kind of no stopping us. It’s just like that lifeforce is just radiating out everywhere, and it’s going to enhance how you feel it’s going to enhance your relationship. If you’re in one, it’s going to Hance your dating experience big time if you’re single or polyamorous and out there dating. So yes, it’s hard work, but the reward is just immense. And the skills you develop in the process of doing this work, you know, are just going to make you frickin unstoppable. So, I hope that you enjoyed this and if you’re looking to, you know, take it to the next level, then check out my dirty talk infographic. It’s super cute, and you can grab it at Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. So thank you everyone for listening, and I will catch you next episode. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. grab yours now. Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. 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