063: How to Communicate About Sex Openly and with Sensitivity
Heather [00:00:00]:
You’ve been faking an orgasm. You haven’t really brought up what you actually want. Maybe you’re not comfortable being really specific about, like, I want you to lick around the clitoris and not lick on it directly, or I want you to nibble my neck to initiate. And that’s something that’s going to help me get in the mood more. Know, I do want my butt played with. This is the Ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist.
Heather [00:00:52]:
Hello, my loves. I am here with a solo episode today, and this is actually the number one most requested topic that I’ve been getting in my Instagram polls. And I’m about to leave for Podfest Orlando. And I pulled that know what is the number one reason that people would see a sex therapist? And everyone’s been saying communication. I think that one of the big reasons people do see sex therapists is libido and lack of desire, but this is beating that out, too. So I figured it was time for a more specific episode about communicating about sex. So I’m going to cover what are the most common scenarios that I see people struggling with sexual communication, and then what’s sort of my general advice for how you can approach it in a better way. So I’ll start by sharing a personal story.
Heather [00:01:57]:
A while back, once upon a time, I was in a long term relationship and the sexual communication really broke down. And this is before I was a sex therapist. I was a high school counselor at the time and starting my private practice just as a general psychotherapist. And I was seeing this person, and like a lot of relationships, the sex started out pretty good. It’s like you get all those feel good hormones and there’s all of the novelty and there’s excitement. And honestly, at the beginning, I also felt like he was open minded and he was cool if toys were involved. And I was really optimistic. It was my first time having an orgasm from oral sex with this partner.
Heather [00:02:57]:
And so I was like, this is going to be great. So I went into it really optimistic. And looking back, I think a few things happened. I was on birth control, which can lower your libido if you’re not aware. The novelty wore off. And I think that for me in particular, especially with a little bit of the ADHD neuro spiciness novelty is important, and variety is important. Yes, for me. But honestly, in any long term relationship, you’re going to get bored at some point, right? If you’re doing the same things.
Heather [00:03:40]:
A couple of things changed. It was not like a super long distance relationship, but there was some distance. And so I think there was some stress management due to that. And it also started to feel it was very sort of a typical heteronormative approach to sex at the time. And keep in mind, this is before I knew a lot of what I know now. And so it was focused on intercourse and focused on sex is over. When the man has an orgasm, the penis owner has an orgasm. And it really felt like my pleasure was an afterthought, and I would bring things up.
Heather [00:04:30]:
I’m not exactly a wallflower, in case you haven’t noticed. So I would bring things up, and I’d be like, hey, how about we go to a sex toy store? How about we try this or that? And I will also add, each person is different, but a lot of penis owners, after they orgasm, will get more tired. And this particular partner fell into that category. So it was kind of difficult that he would come first, and then it was kind of like, okay. And so I’m just, like, on my own here. What’s happening? And the attempts to talk about it went something like, hey, how about we try this or that? Or, what do you think about this? And he would be like, yeah, cool. We could do that. I was like, oh, great.
Heather [00:05:19]:
And then we would never do it. So it would be like, okay, after a while, and then kind of calling him out a little bit, like, hey, why don’t we go get some toys now? Or, like, how about tomorrow? And there’d always be a reason why not to. And so it’s like, you get to a point after bringing something up five or six times where you’re kind of like, you don’t actually want to do this. You keep saying yes. And in hindsight, I think there might have been an element of him feeling emasculated. And I don’t know that it was because of the toys. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that answer. I’m not sure if it’s just because I was bringing something up in general to try and keep things more exciting or if it felt like negative feedback for him.
Heather [00:06:15]:
And obviously, we’re not together now, so there was also some just patterns in the relationship that I don’t know if I’d say dysfunctional, but not fully functional and really nice guy, but I think there was a shutdown happening, and knowing what I know now, I’m sure he had some protective parts coming up for himself that were trying to keep him safe. And his approach was generally, let’s not look at that. Why does everything have to be talked about? Things are fine if it’s not broke, why fix it? Type of thing? And so there was kind of a retreating, I think, on his end, and then on my end, I felt more abandoned by his retreating. And so I was kind of, like, trying to get something out of him. And so then that kind of put me into more of anxious attachment mode. And so I’m sharing this because this is one of four scenarios that I want to talk about today. So this is the scenario where your partner says yes to whatever it is you’re interested in doing sexually and then does nothing. And so what do we do in those scenarios? And having learned a lot in the last decade plus, I would approach things differently.
Heather [00:07:42]:
I do think this is a great scenario to get a neutral third party involved. If your partner is willing to see a sex therapist with you, I also think that I would back off a little bit. So sometimes when we’re sort of that tiger, that’s kind of like trying to get what we want and going after it and chomping at the bit, we think, or that protective mechanism of ours thinks, this is the way to get what I want. However, giving it some space can be more helpful for the other person. If someone’s retreating, if someone is shutting down, that means it’s feeling, like, too much for them. That means something is coming up for them. And so even to give them some space to kind of be like, hey, I noticed that you’ve been saying yes, and not doing something. Is this feeling, like, too much for you? Is this kind of triggering that? I’ve brought this up a few times.
Heather [00:08:41]:
That’s not my intention. But it seems like something’s not feeling good for you. So just creating space for the other person instead of, like, I need this from you, which could make them just go inside their little turtle shell. So we want them to feel safe to come out of their turtle shell. And so if they’re able to open up a little bit about what’s going on for them, which also could take a little while, then we allow some space, we listen, we try to understand, and then we kind of ask, okay, I’d love for us to be able to talk about sex. What kind of ground rules do we need? What is going to help you feel safe and comfortable and excited to talk about our sex life and see what they say they might say. I just feel like I’m on the defensive. I just feel like when you bring things up, it’s because you’re not satisfied with me or with our sex life or you aren’t really attracted to me anymore or I’m not enough and you need something else.
Heather [00:09:48]:
So there’s a lot of possibilities of what could be going on for them. And so I think if you’re the one who’s in sort of that tiger role, like I was, of trying to get something from your partner to just back up a little bit and see if you can manage your own emotions well enough and relate to your own parts from yourself, energy from your higher consciousness so that you can have space for your partner’s feelings that can be really helpful. And so this is really highlighting something that I think is not talked about in sexuality fields. Enough is emotional mastery. We need to have enough emotional mastery of ourselves so that we can hold space for our partner’s emotions. And then when you have two people or more who can do that, the sky is the limit. Okay. Yeah.
Heather [00:10:48]:
You can have a really powerfully intimate and amazing relationship when both people have those skills. And so that’s something that I’m going to share more and more with you guys is sort of, what are those building blocks and skills that are sort of foundational where it’s like, without these, we can’t really have what we want. Or when shit hits the fan and just life happens, we’re going to really struggle and the honeymoon phase is going to end pretty quickly when we don’t have those skills. Okay, so that is scenario one. Scenario two, this is another one I see fairly often with people who come to me for help, is that talking about sex has just become the elephant in the room. It’s kind of like, okay, it’s been so long and we’re just totally roommates, that the idea of being like, hey, can I touch you or are you going to touch me? Or we’re actually going to talk about this when we’ve ignored it for often years, at least months, if not years, and maybe sex is still happening like a few times a year in this scenario, but it’s not something that is a regular occurrence. So a couple of things with this. One, you are going to have to be brave again.
Heather [00:12:12]:
Emotional mastery. Two, you’re going to have to accept that there’s probably going to be some awkwardness. Yeah. More emotional mastery there. So you’re going to be brave. You’re going to be able to feel the awkwardness and just kind of, like, move through it. And then the other thing is going to be kind of doing a reframe in your mind. So a lot of times when it has been a really long time since we’ve had sex with our partner, and we just feel like it’s so weird and awkward now, it really builds up in our mind, like, oh, this is so weird.
Heather [00:12:50]:
I don’t think this is going to go well. This is not going to be well received. What can I even say? Because it’s been so long, we don’t even have a sexual dynamic. So there’s this whole storyline going on in your mind here. And again, the more you can be aware of your own protective mechanisms, your own parts, the better. So if you realize, okay, I’ve been trying to protect myself by keeping quiet. I’ve been trying to protect myself by avoiding this issue because some part of me believes if I don’t bring it up, at least my partner won’t leave me. So I think there’s really a fear of abandonment going on here.
Heather [00:13:31]:
It’s like, if I rock the boat, who knows what can happen, right? And so the reframe is not bringing it up is going to ensure that we don’t have the intimacy that we actually want or that you can only speak for yourself that you actually want. Bringing it up at least gives you a chance, and it also gives you the opportunity to show up as the partner that you want to be. So if you know you want more intimacy and connection, that can often start by being more vulnerable yourself and kind of leading by example. Because for so many of us, having that emotional connection is paramount. It’s like a precursor to physical intimacy for a lot of people, not everyone. Other people are kind of like, we’re fighting, but we’re having great sex, and that’s kind of what brings us back together. But often in relationships, at least one of you will really need that emotional foundation to be there first. And so you are helping to create that by initiating a conversation.
Heather [00:14:43]:
The other thing I would say is like, maybe baby steps. Maybe you just kind of say, hey, I know we haven’t had much of a sexual connection lately, and I want to, and I want us to be able to talk about it. What do you think? And your partner might be like, oh, yeah, they might be pretty surprised. So also be prepared for that. And the other thing I want to say here, I think especially in this scenario. So when you’re in this scenario, the chances are that both of you are pretty avoidant in general. That’s kind of your main coping tools by avoiding things. And so you’re also bringing something up that your partner has been actively trying to avoid.
Heather [00:15:29]:
And so they might feel kind of jarred, but just by initiating a conversation, you’re moving in the right direction. And that’s what you have to remind yourself. The risk is actually greater of not bringing it up. Right. And this is also how people stay in sexless marriages for decades. Right. And I think about 20% of marriages are considered sexless, which is defined as sex less than once a month. So if that’s you, you’re not alone.
Heather [00:15:59]:
One out of every five marriages is in the same boat. But it is a sign that what am I avoiding? And also this part of you that’s protecting you by avoiding, or trying to protect you by avoiding. It’s often doing that because it doesn’t think or realize that you actually do have the capacity to be brave, to feel the fear and do it anyways, to feel the awkwardness and move through it and get to the other side. And so as you take the steps and kind of show your system of parts that, yes, I can do this, that alone might help this part kind of chill out. Okay, so let’s go through another scenario. So, this one is, your partner has never really mastered the type of seduction that you would really love. And you haven’t really said much, or you’ve said much, and you haven’t gotten anywhere. And so here, there could be some feelings of inadequacy or shame or just fear of triggering that in the other person.
Heather [00:17:04]:
And also, like, the scenario I gave that I experienced, it can lead to feeling kind of neglected, abandoned. Then people can often get resentful and angry about it. That’s also something I see with people quite a bit when they feel like their sexual needs have been ignored or deprioritized. And I had a great chat with a client yesterday that a lot of times that anger is a catalyst, that anger is actually preventing us from just giving up. And so this is kind of what I mean about emotional mastery. It’s like we can relate to our emotions with more appreciation. We can see that even though anger might feel painful, that it’s a little messenger. Like, our emotions are little messengers, and they’re trying to tell us something.
Heather [00:17:57]:
They’re trying to say, like, something’s got to change here. This is not working. We don’t want just apathy to take over. We don’t want this half ass relationship. We don’t want this half ass sex life. Right? And so notice that about your anger, because a big part of the work of emotional mastery is befriending your emotions. And sometimes I’ll use the words emotions and parts interchangeably. So it’s like our emotions, they’re trying to send us a message, right? Our parts will often have a certain emotion.
Heather [00:18:32]:
Our parts are kind of little subpersonalities of ours. And so they will have emotions. They might have thoughts and beliefs and stories. You might feel them in certain parts of your body. So commonly, if we feel fear, anxiety, there might be a pit in the stomach, there might be a tight chest, there might be a lump in the throat. And so really tune into that. So knowing ourselves, knowing our parts and emotions, is going to be a big part of succeeding with sex and love in general. And to be able to communicate about that.
Heather [00:19:06]:
So that would be like advanced communication, like next level. Especially if you’re someone who’s ethically non monogamous. You need to have those next level communication skills to be able to have a healthy enm relationship. Okay, so, yeah, back to the scenario. So your partner has not mastered the type of seduction. So let me define what I mean by this a little bit. That could mean the mental foreplay. So that could mean they approach you at the wrong times.
Heather [00:19:37]:
They can’t really tell when you’re in the mood. Maybe they’re in their own little world, or maybe even when they’re trying to tune into you, they’re just kind of not great at meeting the cues and understanding what zone you’re in. Right. Or how quickly you can change modes. And so an example would be you’re sitting down at work, and your partner just comes up and passionately kisses you, and you’re just like, okay, I’m just not in that headspace. You’re kind of, like, spinning, like, what just happened? I was not ready for that. Or it could be like, your partner tries to initiate sex by being really goofy and kind of awkward about it because maybe they don’t know how to initiate and what you want. And that’s something I’ve experienced with a partner in the past as well.
Heather [00:20:24]:
And looking back, it’s like, I don’t think I ever told him what I did want. Right. And so we also have to take responsibility for that. So a lot of times in this scenario, you’ve been faking an orgasm. You haven’t really brought up what you actually want. Maybe you’re not comfortable being really specific about, like, I want you to lick around the clitoris and not lick on it directly. Or I want you to nibble my neck to initiate. And that’s something that’s going to help me get in the mood more.
Heather [00:21:01]:
Or I do want my butt played with, or don’t touch my ears until you’re ready for intercourse because that’s going to really get me going. So just helping your partner kind of have the map, basically, of here’s kind of what warms me up. Here’s what I like when I’m already warmed up. And here’s what’s going to get me to the peak levels of pleasure that I really want to experience. So we need to know that about ourselves. And so if you’re not sure, notice the next sexual encounters you have, whether it’s with yourself, whether it’s with your partner, to just notice what feels great or what do I wish was happening instead. Right. And write it down.
Heather [00:21:49]:
I think we should all make a sex manual for ourselves. I think that would be super fun. Maybe that’s something I’ll create as a little video course for you guys. I think that would be so fun to do, just to demystify everything and to really help you tune into what works for you and then to communicate it really clearly with your partner. First you need to know now, let’s say you have communicated this to your partner. Let’s say you’ve communicated. I really like a hand job, or I really like to be fingered, or I really like a finger in the butt during sex, whatever it is. And they just keep not doing it.
Heather [00:22:33]:
You’re just kind of like, why are you not doing it? And I remember having a partner where he had kind of an oral fixation, and he was like, yeah, you just really get it. I’m like, it’s not that hard. You told me it seemed very cut and dry, actually. And he was kind of like, well, my ex never really got it. And it’s like, oh, how interesting. And so sometimes there’s a disconnect. Sometimes somebody doesn’t want to be robotic about it, and they don’t want to be like, okay, I’m just following sort of like a paint by number instructions set. And that doesn’t feel very sexy to me.
Heather [00:23:15]:
And so that’s stuff you need to communicate about. And really what’s happening. And what I do with my clients is people communicate on the surface. They don’t ask enough questions at all. So I want you guys to really tap into your curiosity and to do it from a place that’s non judgmental. So if it’s kind of like you, like what? Or like, you want me to do that, you got to drop the tone. You got to kind of check yourself, work with your own parts that maybe feel defensive or feel judgy so that you can be showing up in self energy, which is much more spacious, which is much more just unconditional, unconditionally accepting. It doesn’t need things to be a certain way.
Heather [00:23:59]:
It’s kind of like, okay, cool. It’s great to know. Doesn’t mean I’m going to want to do it, but we can have a discussion about it. I’d like to understand what it does for you. I’d like to understand how you feel if I were to accept your request and spend more time making out or whatever the request is. Right. So bringing lots and lots of curiosity and then understanding what’s the deeper psychological layer of this, asking questions like, what does this do for you? Why do you like this? When in our sexual connection, do you want me to do this specific request? Right. And it could just be, maybe somebody wants more oral sex.
Heather [00:24:44]:
Maybe somebody wants to try a role play. Right. And so instead of just being like, oh, I’m not going to do that. I think the conversation needs to be more like, okay, what is it about this role play that excites you? And it might be acknowledging some parts coming up for you. Okay, I think that sounds hot, too. I don’t feel very confident being able to do that. My fear is that if I tried, I would feel silly and foolish, and that would be unsexy. What’s coming up for me is that I’m going to disappoint you because I’m not going to live up to your fantasy.
Heather [00:25:22]:
And so these are vulnerable conversations, you guys, right. And I think that’s why so many people are avoiding them, because we think of sex as it’s just supposed to be hot and fun and you’re supposed to get off, and it’s supposed to be all these different things. But the fact is, it’s actually quite intimate and vulnerable, and being able to talk about it is also quite intimate and vulnerable. Okay, so last scenario that I want to share and this kind of pertains to, I think I started getting into this is the sharing desires, fantasies, and kinks. And with this one, I think there’s a lot of fear of getting judged, getting shut down. I’ve certainly shared things in the past, and someone’s like, oh, that’s weird. Oh, that’s, like, advanced. But I’m like, you didn’t say advanced very nicely to not make me feel accepted.
Heather [00:26:13]:
So you got to set some ground rules with that. I get a lot of people that are like, I’m into cuckolding, and I can’t tell my partner, though, or I’m imagining my partner being with other people. And I think that would be so hot to see her with other people. And I think she would just be shocked if she knew that I had that fantasy. So what do you do in that situation? My thought would be, I mean, I’m all for transparency, so I just. I just have to kind of put that out there. You don’t have to be as transparent as I am, but to me, having the transparency equates to freedom. It means that I get to be who I really am, and I get to have intimacy where someone’s actually seeing me for all of me and not just certain parts of me.
Heather [00:27:10]:
And so if that’s what you want, you got to share stuff. If you’re kind of like, no, I’m okay. They can see, like, 80% of me. That’s good for me. That’s okay. You don’t have to share everything. But decide. Think about that.
Heather [00:27:21]:
What do you actually want? And go from that place, go towards what you actually want, and really clarify what your values are. Okay, so let’s say you want to share something and you’re scared. I think I would say, hey, I want to share something with you. It feels a little bit vulnerable. Can we kind of agree that this is going to be a non judgmental zone? I don’t need you to be into it. I don’t need you to jump up and down with excitement. But I do just want to feel like you’re hearing me out. You’re not judging me for being a total weirdo, and you’re not going to abandon me because I have this fantasy, and your partner is probably going to be like, no, I’m not going to abandon you.
Heather [00:28:08]:
And I think you can also say, if you’re not into it, you could just be like, it’s not something I’m super into, but we can discuss it. We can understand it more. And the other thing I would say is, when you’re sharing a fantasy, especially for the first time, to say, right now, this is something that’s just a fantasy, unless it’s maybe something you actually have done with a past partner. But let’s for this scenario, say, this is a fantasy. Hey, this is something that’s a fantasy right now. And I just want to be able to talk about the fantasy with you. And I just want to be able to feel kind of understood so you can even let your partner know. Here’s what I would really love from you.
Heather [00:28:46]:
Here’s how I would love to be received and embraced in sharing this and see how that goes. Sometimes they don’t know what you want, so a lot of people will freeze up when they’re kind of like, I don’t know what to say. So just by letting people know, I just want to know that you love me. Anyways, the next level would be maybe you incorporate the fantasy just in terms of dirty talk. Right. An important way. And I talked about this in the recent sexting episode, an important way to explore a fantasy is through just imagination and talking about it. So letting your partner know, I don’t know that this necessarily has to be something we do, but I would love to be able to talk about this.
Heather [00:29:35]:
Right. Because so much of turn on is mental. And so just to be able to have that mental enjoyment of the fantasy and share it with your partner could be really connective. And then the next level could be if you actually want to make that fantasy a reality. And what does that look like? Right. And is your partner on board with that? But you can see there can be layers to it and there can be steps to it. And so I think, again, when we lower the stakes and we don’t think in terms of all or nothing, and we view sexuality as this whole spectrum or smorgasbord where we can just kind of pick and choose together what works for us, I think it can be a pretty beautiful and connective experience. So I hope that this was helpful.
Heather [00:30:21]:
I hope you got some ideas on how to communicate about sexuality with your partner. If it is something that you need support with, please reach out. That is what I’m here for. You can reach out to me through my website. Heathershannon Co. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co. I’m also fairly active on Instagram at Ask a sex therapist. So I hope to see you there.
Heather [00:30:45]:
I love doing polls, and I have my broadcast channel going where I kind of ask for feedback on what episodes you think I should do and what you want me to cover during episodes. So come on over there and engage with us. And, yeah, I look out for some content from PodFest. So I’m going there later today and excited to kind of report back. So thank you guys for listening. Your support is so appreciated. We actually have a bunch of new listeners. So I also wanted to say welcome to you guys, and if you haven’t yet.
Heather [00:31:16]:
Please follow the show that helps us show up higher on the charts and for more people to find it. It takes about 2 seconds, so follow the show, come back, keep listening, and let’s connect. Bye everybody. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide, a free resource source for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at Heathershannon Co. Dirtytalk. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co.
Heather [00:31:50]:
Dirtytalk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist.
