065: LISTENER Q & A: Non-Existent Sex Lives, ED from Diabetes & Vanilla Partners
Heather [00:00:02]:
Hello, my loves, and welcome to A-Q-A episode of Ask a sex therapist. As you know, these are some of my favorite as well as some of your favorites according to the download numbers. So this time I kind of asked a specific question to my Instagram audience and it was what do you wish was better about your sex life? And so I’m going to address some of the answers, share a little bit about how I relate to some of them, and I’m also just going to give you guys a heads up. I’m like a little bit loopy and low energy today, but we’re just going to roll with it, right? Sometimes we have those days I’m doing this sort of cleanse kickstart thing that is totally helping my digestion but has got me feeling some of those detox responses in my body, like getting tired and having weird headaches and that kind of thing. But I took my nap, took my leave, and I’m feeling good. So we’re going to go for it. And I hope you guys are all doing well, too. It is weird sometimes doing this podcast and just like talking to no one sitting at my desk.
Heather [00:01:19]:
So if you’re a listener, I would just love to hear from you. Find me on Instagram at Ask a sex therapist. You can email me. Hello at Heathershannon, co. Again, that’s hello at Heathershannon, co. Just like say hi, let me know how you’re doing, what’s going on in your life. Have you also tried a digestive cleanse recently? Are you feeling really awesome and sexy? Are you learning things from the podcast? How’s life? Okay, so let’s focus. We’re going to focus ourselves and answer a couple of questions here.
Heather [00:01:56]:
All right, so the first response, and actually there was like two very similar responses to this question of, again, what do you wish was better about your sex life? And I thought these two answers were so interesting because one came from someone who’s like 21, came from somebody who is in her early seventy s, and they’re like the same. And I just love that. So the answers were maybe that I had one, maybe that I had a sex life would make it better. And then the other one was wish it wasn’t nonexistent. And I was like, okay, first of all, maybe this surprises people, maybe it doesn’t. But I relate to this one. I think there’s so many reasons why we either don’t choose to have a super active sex life at a certain point in our life, or we maybe feel kind of unsure about how to go about it, or unsure about how to find the right type of partner that we would like or partners. But usually when you’re non existent, when the sex life is non existent, you’ll take one.
Heather [00:03:07]:
One to start is good. So let’s talk about that. What are some of the know? And it’s also interesting, I think, related to this question. I was just on Instagram, and Mel Robbins had shared some graphs about who we spend time with at different points in our life. And it was just shocking how low the amount of time spent is with friends and with family, and that our romantic partner and coworkers are really who we spend most of our life with. And so how important those decisions are. Yeah. So that the coworkers and romantic partners are the people we’re spending so much time with.
Heather [00:03:48]:
And the other thing that was kind of interesting to me is that as we get older, we spend more and more time alone. And I’m kind of like, what is up with that? I also have my personal feelings just about us culture in particular. I don’t think that we prioritize community enough. I don’t think that we prioritize friendships enough. Like, you go to Europe and you’ll see a bunch of older men just standing around in a plaza hanging out or playing chess or just having a little know. And I’m like, we don’t really see that as much in the US. And maybe it’s because there aren’t as many gathering places. I think part of it is because we’re so into hustle culture.
Heather [00:04:34]:
I think that we’re less comfortable. And actually, we have a lot of international listeners. Probably about 25% of our listeners are international. So I would love to hear, if you’re not living in the US, do you think these things apply to your country as well? Or do you feel like, no, the US is unique in some of these ways. So I’d love to hear from you, but having spent some time in Europe, I feel like they’re a little bit less weird about bodies and nudity, and they have topless beaches or nude beaches, and it’s just not as big of a deal. I think they’re a lot more chill about a lot of things. They might have a glass of wine with their lunch. They take their siesta.
Heather [00:05:17]:
I feel like, unfortunately, some of the US influence is creeping over there. And I think some of the hustle culture infiltrates other countries. But I’m pro listening to your body, accepting yourself, not subscribing as much as is possible, given the culture and all the marketing and advertisements that are thrown at us, not subscribing to, like, oh, I’m not acceptable as I am, and I need to get Botox, and I need to lose weight, and I need to somehow tighten up my skin, and then I have to have all this money to do this, and then I have to work more. I just think we can get very spinny and really miss out on just being present and hanging out with cool people. So I would like to promote more of that. Maybe we’ll start, like, an ask a sex therapist commune at some point and just all hang out and have a great time. I’ll have to figure out how we make money in the commune, but we’re not there yet. Okay.
Heather [00:06:13]:
So anyways, back to wishing you had a sex life. And again, I relate to this. I think there’s times in life where there’s a reason, right? It could be that we had a breakup and we’re still recovering from the breakup, and we’re just not really in that mode. Maybe we’re feeling some feelings. Maybe we’re grieving. I see this a lot with my clients where they’ve been a caretaker, or maybe they’ve experienced some kind of loss. Maybe they had a hysterectomy. And there’s almost, like, a grief around that.
Heather [00:06:45]:
Sometimes there’s medical reasons and other health reasons why we’re just not really in sex mode. Sometimes we are maybe more self conscious about our body, and it’s preventing us from being vulnerable and putting it out there and realizing that someone else thinks you’re really hot. I can guarantee that about all of you listening, someone else is going to be like, oh, I’m into that. And it could be because of your sparkling personality. It could be because of your body. It could be because of the total package. But I think that’s important to remember and not get in our own way. I have a client I was talking to who identifies as demisexual, and I was trying to understand for her how much of attraction for you is based on how somebody looks and how much of it is based on where the energy you feel or the emotional intimacy that you’re building.
Heather [00:07:41]:
And she was saying, like, 89% is sort of the energy and the emotional intimacy. So even if you’re feeling just like, nobody finds me sexy, it’s like, well, they might find you emotionally sexy, and that might be most of the sexiness for them, so let that be sexy for them. Sometimes I think, who are we to get in the way of someone else finding us sexy? Right. And so just notice that. Are you kind of blocking people flirting with you? Are you hiding in your house? Are you putting yourself in situations where you could flirt back? Are you meeting new people? And there’s a lot of ways to do that. Sometimes people don’t know how. And I don’t blame you, because I think we’re in an interesting phase where everyone uses dating apps, and everyone also hates dating apps. If you have a solution to that, please reach out.
Heather [00:08:40]:
I’m a big fan of the matchmaking shows. I’m like, oh, let’s go, like, old school. I love that matchmaking is something that’s been around for so long, and I’m like, let’s kind of do that. It’s a little bit more personal. It’s like, each match can be treated a little bit more precious and like, ooh, okay, I’m only getting so many matches, and there’s a reason that we were put together, and there are some apps now that are kind of incorporating more of a personalized service and more matchmaking. So that could be something to explore. And I think one of the things I’m doing is just going to more group outings. So one of my 2024 goals, and this is kind of a multifaceted goal, it’s not just to have sex with people, but certainly I’m open to that, is just to keep meeting new people, because you never know when you’re going to find people that you really vibe with or when you’re going to find a group of people that you really vibe with or just kind of an activity that you love.
Heather [00:09:39]:
I think it’s really easy to kind of stay in our ruts where maybe we hang out with the same few friends or we hang out with our kids or our parents or our siblings, and we don’t really kind of get out of that comfort zone. So just to challenge yourself, even if you have a little social anxiety, like, this might be a good way to challenge yourself. Go to something where there’s an activity involved. I think that’s a great way to kind of take the pressure off of having to just make small talk, because, really, who likes small talk? I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone be like, I love small talk. Everyone that I know is like, I hate small talk. I’m so bad at it. I feel so much pressure when I have to make small talk. And so it’s like, what if we just don’t do that to ourselves? Like, maybe you join a bowling league.
Heather [00:10:23]:
Maybe you go take an art class or find some kind of workshop to do. Yeah, maybe you go build. I did something once where I built a coffee table. It was like a four week thing. So you see the same people on a somewhat recurring basis. And not that I have anything against one offs, but I’m a bigger fan of finding groups where it’s a class that meets repeated and a repeated basis. Or it’s like I go to the entrepreneur social club here in St. Pete that meets every single week.
Heather [00:10:56]:
I don’t go every single week, but I go frequently. And you can find things like that and just expand your social circle. And I also think it’s sort of a yes, and go meet people in real life. Make sure you’re not glued to your phone every second of every day. And then also be open to the apps. Right. My mom met her boyfriend on an app. I think it was match.
Heather [00:11:22]:
My uncle met his girlfriend on an app. I think they met on our time a while back. A lot of my friends have met their partners on apps, so it can happen, right. And I think the key is have fun with it, right? Because when we get so serious, it’s like this conversation isn’t going anywhere. Come up with some better opening lines. Like, take some time, even do some googling or ask Chat GPT, like, hey, here’s my interest. What would be good opening lines that might get a better response from people, but put a little bit more effort into it, be a little bit more intentional. And then I would also say, be more playful.
Heather [00:12:01]:
Like, if you’re going to pursue the apps, don’t take it too seriously. Sometimes. I will just be in. Oh, that’s my cat, rascal. Rascal says, hi, everybody. He wanted to be on the, you know. He agrees it’s important to be playful. That’s part of why his name is.
Heather [00:12:24]:
But, like, if you feel like just being funny or goofy, you’re kind of messing with someone. And as long as it’s not in a mean way, just like, don’t censor, say, say what you want to say. Maybe you want to comment on someone’s picture. Like, I don’t know about you, you look like trouble. Or maybe you just ask someone a really ridiculous question about, would you rather go into outer space or go into the center of the earth? And it’s like, okay, you’re going to at least start getting some non standard answers. You’re going to at least not be bored with the conversation. And if somebody comes back with boring chitchat after that, then maybe they’re not your person. So that’s a thought.
Heather [00:13:05]:
And then also think about where you’re looking. There’s a lot of apps that are more sex forward. It’s still important to think about what are your criteria? If you’re on an app like field, or if you’re on an app like pure that are more sex forward doesn’t mean you want to have sex with everyone on that app. Right? So find, how can I be open minded enough that I’m not going to be waiting around years to find a sex partner? And how can I also have enough criteria that I’m not going to feel like I’m being intimate with someone who kind of has bad vibes or isn’t in a really healthy place? Especially those of us who identify as empaths. It’s like we want to protect our energy so that we’re feeling good. Okay, so I’m going to move on to the next question because I feel like it was very chatty about that one. So the next one. And again, this is the response to what do you wish was better about your sex life? This person said, my boyfriend doesn’t usually finish, and it’s getting to my self esteem.
Heather [00:14:01]:
All right. So I’m very excited about this one, too, because this is a common one that I see mostly with women who are sleeping with men. I sometimes think, like, maybe men sleeping with other men know it’s not as personal because they have a penis and erections as well, and they understand maybe the things that can go into them. But if you’re a woman and this is something that pertains to you, listen up, because it’s not about you. That’s my really short answer. We’ll go a little more into depth, but the 90% of the time is actually not about you at all. This is typically about a couple of things. This is either the person with the penis is all up in their head and they’re just like, oh, my God, I really like this person.
Heather [00:14:48]:
Or like, oh, my God, I feel this pressure. Or what if I don’t do this right? Or that right? And I’ve actually done quite a bit of work with younger penis owners, like, in their twenty s or even early 30s, actually a lot in their 20s, though, where it’s completely anxiety related and being in their head. And sometimes it’s even proportionate to how much do you like this person? So it’s almost like the more they like you, the more they’re in their heads and feeling anxious about it. So not only is it not a hit on how attractive and sexy you are. It could be the opposite. They could just be so into you that they don’t even know what to do with themselves. So a couple of things in that case, often in time, as you build more of a secure emotional connection, the ED will go away because they’re not as in their head, and they feel unconditionally accepted. So figuring out how can I create a safe space for my partner? So it’s less about, let me put on something sexy.
Heather [00:15:45]:
How can I be sexier? I need to lose weight and get botox. And it’s more about how do I make them feel comfortable and safe. The other factor is biological, and so there can be medication issues. If someone’s on antidepressants, which they might not want to tell you early on in a relationship, that could be something that’s preventing them from getting great erections. Depending on their health status, too, they might have any kind of inflammatory conditions. There’s a big link between erectile dysfunction and cardiovascular issues. So if you’re noticing that you’re not having as many nighttime erections or that you’re having a hard time getting erect when masturbating, that’s a sign that it’s more likely to be a biological issue and that you should probably go get checked out with your doctor cardiologist and just make sure that you’re okay in terms of your cardiovascular health. I’ve also noticed that when people reduce the inflammation in their body, they’ll start getting nighttime erections, and they’ll be able to maintain an erection even better.
Heather [00:16:51]:
So if this is you and your boyfriend, if you can have a mature conversation about, hey, what do we think? Some of the factors are here, what’s going on psychologically, what’s going on physiologically, and really remove shame from the conversation, I think you can get to the bottom of it and create a really awesome dynamic. And then the other piece that I would say, and this actually leads into our next question, is, take the pressure off of intercourse. There’s a lot of other things that you can do. There’s a lot of toys. There’s oral sex. There’s manual stimulation using our fingers. There’s mutual masturbation. Lots of options.
Heather [00:17:33]:
And I think mutual masturbation can be a nice transition. If somebody is not having a problem with erections and orgasming on their own, maybe we kind of let them do the self touch still, but just have another person present and just kind of work on the psychological comfort until that improves. Okay, so moving into the next one, this person said what they wish was better about their sex life. They said, no intercourse for eleven years. Husband’s erectile dysfunction is uncontrolled due to diabetes. And so this ties in again to the inflammatory conditions and the importance of controlling that. And so that would be my main advice with this one. So this one sounds like it’s more of a physiological and less of a psychological reason for erectile dysfunction.
Heather [00:18:25]:
And so to me, I would say, I just want to make sure that your husband’s okay health wise. So I would start with that. Like, how do we control the diabetes? Can he get some more support with dietary changes? Is there a way you can support him more with dietary changes and maybe make some changes with him just so he feels like he’s got an accountability? Budy with that. I had a client who was borderline diabetic and went on the keto diet and all of a sudden started having nighttime erections again after he had been struggling with that. So there’s a lot to be said for managing blood sugar, right. And we know with diabetes, there’s issues with circulation, and so anything that helps circulation can also be of benefit. And so it could be just exercising as long as that’s safe. And so in this case, I’m clearly not a medical doctor, so make sure you check with your husband’s team and he checks with his team to know what kind of exercise is okay and safe for him.
Heather [00:19:25]:
And then, like you said, no intercourse for eleven years. But can you try other things? There was also this really interesting toy, and I haven’t tried it, so I can’t comment on it, but it’s called the baldo balldo, and it’s basically like a dildo that attaches to someone’s testicles. And so if you’re having a hard time getting an erection, or if maybe you ready came once and you want to keep going with penetration, it’s kind of something to try where the wearer is still going to maybe get some sensation in their testicles, and then the person receiving the penetration is at least going to have a penetrative experience if that’s something that you want, where your partner is still kind of doing the thrusting and whatnot. But certainly you can also try dildos, and there’s penis sheaths that can go onto a penis to kind of add size or girth or length. So, so many things to try. So I would just say this kind of goes back to my episode on the sexual placebo effect. I think it was episode ten. What we think about what we lean into really matters.
Heather [00:20:40]:
And so if we’re leaning into what is working, we’re going to have much better outcomes than if we focus on what is not working. And this applies to so many areas of life, right? Like so often, myself included, we have these stories of, well, if I could just change this or if this was just better, then I’d be happier. And really, I think the answer is we need to put fewer conditions on our happiness, right? And it makes logical sense if we have person a over here and they’ve got like 30 different conditions that they need to be met in order to actually be really happy. And if we’ve got person b over here, that’s like, I have zero. I’m just going to be happy. And part of it is that we don’t understand very well how happiness works, but happiness is much less about our circumstance and our situation and much more about our lens on the situation. And so that would be my encouragement to you. It’s not that you shouldn’t work on the health things.
Heather [00:21:38]:
It’s like we got to find that balance between taking the practical steps that we can take and taking care of ourselves and then also accepting what is and focusing on what we appreciate. And so maybe it’s like, you know what, my husband’s really funny, or I love that my husband’s so affectionate, or I appreciate that my husband is open to using toys and we can find ways to kind of play with our sexual energy, which I think is really what it’s about, rather than focusing too much on penetration. And maybe we find other ways to incorporate penetrative experiences. Right? Because certainly when you have two women in a situation, there’s no penis involved, but their sexual satisfaction levels is very high and they’re having more orgasms than women who have sex with men. And so we need to kind of, I think, remove the importance of the penis and penetration as much as possible and realize this is just a way we’ve been programmed by porn, by society, that this is what sex is supposed to be. And so maybe by letting go of that somewhat, which I think is a bit of a spiritual exercise, it’s like, okay, we’re letting go of things, needing to be a certain way, we’re removing the conditions, we’re appreciating what’s working well, and we’re going to do more of that. And maybe we’re going to present some new ideas and see what my husband can be open to. Okay.
Heather [00:22:55]:
So I hope that helps. Okay. And then the last one is this person wishes that the kink aspect was better about their sex life. So they said, I wish my partner was more open to kink. So what do we do with that? And this can be a tricky one. This is also one that I relate to. I went to a workshop this week on erotic blueprints, and that’s something created by Jaya. We can link to Jaya’s info in the show notes if you want to check it out.
Heather [00:23:31]:
But you can take a quiz online and figure out what’s your erotic blueprint. And there’s a few different ones. So there’s kink. And that is kind of about, I think, subversiveness, finding things that are a little taboo and playing with the taboo. And then there are energetic people, and that’s a lot about the intangible. So maybe it’s not always physical touch, but it’s like the energy between two people, the chemistry, the anticipation is something that you’re really into. So if you like being teased a little bit to build the anticipation, and there’s a high chance that you’re more energetic, there’s also the sexual type. And this type probably fits best with how sex is portrayed in society.
Heather [00:24:16]:
And kind of the standard focus on what’s sexy body parts and genitals and breasts and butts and nipples and all that stuff. So if you’re kind of like, yes, the basics work quite well for me, then you might be that type. And then there’s also a shapeshifter. And so that’s where you’re kind of a mix. And there was a sensual one in there too. So if you really like playing with different textures and different scents, your five senses, then there’s a high likelihood of being sensual. And so if you’re like me, you’re a mix of all of them, right? And so that one’s called the shapeshifter. If you’re like, okay, I think there’s, like, more than one where I would probably score high in them.
Heather [00:24:59]:
And so one of the things that we talked about at this workshop was that sexual incompatibility can be a little bit of a myth. And part of it is really spending the time understanding your partner and understanding what makes them tick. And that’s where some of these listening to podcasts or getting a book or taking a quiz can really help you understand yourself better, but also understand your partner better. So just like the five love languages really took off, understanding what turns your partner on sexually is also really important. And so if you’re more into kink, maybe to explain to your partner. Okay, here’s some of the taboos that I really like to play with. And what are the things that you like? And so maybe your partner is more sensual, but maybe you guys find a compromise on, like, how can we sort of marry the sensual aspect with the kink aspect? So there’s a lot of people out there who would identify as sort of a sensual dominant, right. And so there’s a power exchange, but it’s not rough.
Heather [00:26:06]:
It’s more sensual. And so that could be something to play with. It’s like, okay, how about I’m in charge and you wear a blindfold, or I tie you up, but I use silk ribbons instead of handcuffs? Or maybe I tie you up, and instead of doing something that’s like spanking or hitting in some way, maybe it’s like I run feathers over your body. Right. So there’s so many ways to play with these things together. And so that would be my suggestion, is really take the time to understand what would do it for my partner. This was a male who asked, and he was asking about a female partner. So find out what she’s into.
Heather [00:26:50]:
Does she need to have that emotional connection first? Does she need to have more foreplay? Is it like, once she gets to a certain point of turn on, then maybe she’s going to be more open to things intensifying? And what would that look like? And so you can also try doing something like a yes, no, maybe list. Or there’s this quiz called. I think it’s called, like, why don’t we try it? We’ll put these in the show notes, too. I think there’s so many resources out there, and it can just be hard to find them. So we’ll put the we should try it quiz. And I think there’s an advanced version of it, too. So you can maybe start with the beginner version and then move to the advanced version, but start figuring out, what is your partner open to? Because the other thing I’ve seen with couples in similar situations is, like, one partner feels like I’m so adventurous. My partner is, like, so vanilla.
Heather [00:27:42]:
And we can have this story, which, back to the sexual placebo effect. If this is the story we’re telling ourselves, this is also the result that we’re creating in our lives, which maybe is not the result we want to create. And so we need to start telling a different story. And so taking these quizzes can help us open up and realize, oh, my partner, who I’ve been kind of judging or assuming, is, like, real vanilla and not open minded and kind of like reserved and timid or whatever words you’ve come up with in your mind is actually open to a few of these things. Okay, let’s start there, because I think most people are going to surprise you. And the reason I think that is because I’ve witnessed it so many times in couples. And also, we rarely have these conversations so openly. So using one of these tools can be a great way to sort of facilitate one of these conversations.
Heather [00:28:37]:
But have you actually gone through, like, hey, here’s 50 different sexual activities. Which ones are you into? Or are there maybe some things you still don’t know about your partner? So I would use this as an opportunity to get to know them a little bit better and find that common ground. So thank you guys for these questions. And if you want to submit questions in the future, you can do that on my website. So if you go to Heathershannon Co. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co. And you go to work with me, there’s a section where it says ask a sex question, and that’s totally anonymous. Otherwise.
Heather [00:29:09]:
I will also post to my Instagram stories and my Instagram broadcast channel so you can submit questions and respond to my questions there. And then I will feature them on the show. So thank you guys so much for listening. It’s awesome to connect with you, as always. And we will catch you next Monday with an amazing guest episode. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at Heathershannon Co.
Heather [00:29:46]:
Dirtytalk. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co. Dirtytalk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.
