064: The NeuroSpicy Episode with Alice Lovegood
Alice Lovegood [00:00:01]:
Like, some of them are really, really hot guys. And I’m like, a little bit shy. I’m like, oh, I’m a little bit shy in my belly. Because sometimes I think, you know, if I’m wearing something, you can’t see it. And they’re like, no, I like it.
Heather [00:00:16]:
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, my loves. I am here with a very fun and special guest. This week we have Alice Lovegood. And Alice is a 28 year old based in the beautiful southwest of England. She wears many hats in life.
Heather [00:00:50]:
She is a proud mom of three, wife within a polyamorous relationship, a former student midwife, and someone who’s found their passion in the realms of sex education, personal empowerment, and ethical expression. So welcome, Alice. Very excited to have you here.
Alice Lovegood [00:01:06]:
Hi. Thank you for having me.
Heather [00:01:09]:
Yeah. So I’m a fan of your work, and I think a big part of why I wanted to have you on the show is because you just bring so much authenticity, I would know, to your work, and you can tell that you just actually care. You also bring a lot of vulnerability. So anyone who follows you on Instagram knows that. What made you decide to go into this line of work?
Alice Lovegood [00:01:35]:
So, basically, I think I decided to do onlyfans on a whim. I’ve always been super hypersexual. I was pregnant at the time, and I thought, oh, wow, that’s a fetish. I could make a bit of extra money. And once I started actually doing it, I realized how much I enjoyed doing it. And also, a lot of people were coming to onlyfans to ask questions. They were, like, curious. Curious about women, curious about sex, how to be better at it, especially men.
Alice Lovegood [00:02:10]:
Didn’t really know where to go. And then my background, obviously, being in midwifery, I’ve always kind of been passionate about providing information so that people can make evidence based decisions about their bodies. So I was like, well, hang on a minute. I can kind of combine these two things that I love. And that was kind of how I started. So then just did the qualification and hyper focused on absolutely everything I could, like reading, and, yeah, now I’m here.
Heather [00:02:46]:
I love it, and it totally comes through. And you do look young, and you are young, but you have so much wisdom. I mean, I think that’s one of the things that I’ve really noticed on your Instagram account. And as someone else who also identifies as kinky, I value how you’re representing the whole kink community, to be honest. So, yeah, I think the work that you’re doing is super important. And it’s also been really cool just to see your account grow that so many people want this information. And also, it’s not easy to grow your Instagram account when you work in the sexuality field because we do face so much censorship. So what has that journey been like for you? Just, like, creating Instagram content and growing your audience.
Alice Lovegood [00:03:34]:
Yeah. Thank you for saying that. I do get a lot of people that say they appreciate how I think a lot of people, when they’re learning about sex, it’s a therapist or it’s a doctor. And I think sometimes it’s quite nice to have someone who’s like, hey, I’m not telling you about kink. I’m actually kinky.
Heather [00:03:58]:
It’s true.
Alice Lovegood [00:04:01]:
I sometimes have to pinch myself because it’s like, whoa. Especially, I’ve just hit 300,000 followers on its crouch.
Heather [00:04:08]:
Oh, congrats. I don’t think I had seen that.
Alice Lovegood [00:04:10]:
Yet today, which is super exciting, considering. I think it was in June that I was at 2000, just freshly, because I read, I think when you first.
Heather [00:04:20]:
Messaged me, you had, like, 100,000. And then I all of a sudden looked, and I was like, damn, she blew up.
Alice Lovegood [00:04:24]:
Yeah. I think I’ve always been someone who kind of analyzes how things. Oh, that worked or that worked. And I worked a lot on curating my message in a way that people will receive it and enjoy it and Instagram will. It’s very frustrating having to use silly words, but just having to work around the censorship.
Heather [00:04:55]:
You do a great job of it. I couldn’t agree more. I really resisted that for a while. Like, censoring anything. And then part of me was also like, I kind of want to show that I’m being censored. It’s like, people see that we have to censor it or we have to use silly words and realize how absurd it is.
Alice Lovegood [00:05:14]:
Yeah.
Heather [00:05:14]:
Because then maybe one day it’ll change.
Alice Lovegood [00:05:16]:
Yeah. Because I’ve had this conversation with quite a lot of people who work in this field, like, oh, well, I don’t want to because I want to make a stand, but then that stand doesn’t matter if nobody can see it. It’s one of those things, like, you either try and not do it, and then nobody sees it anyway. And Instagram don’t care or try and work around it, and then you can talk about it to all of the people that find it frustrating.
Heather [00:05:46]:
Yeah. And I think you do it in a really fun, playful way where it just seems effortless. But I appreciate hearing that there’s a lot of thought that goes into your content, and I kind of want people to know that, too. It’s like when you’re appreciating somebody’s content, and I do think yours is so unique in our space because it really combines your personal journey with really helpful, factual information, too. And I think that’s why people resonate with you and you’re just so genuine. So, anyways, I’m excited about that for you. And was it a tough decision to decide to pursue this professionally, even me becoming a sex therapist or my podcast? I kind of had to tell my family, okay, this is now the work I’m going to be doing. And some people had better reactions than others.
Heather [00:06:35]:
So how was that for you?
Alice Lovegood [00:06:37]:
So there’s been kind of mixed responses, but I’ve always been that person that just, I remember as a kid, us doing this big quiz in school, like the whole year, and you had to walk to ABC answers, and I was that one, the one answer c when the whole of the year was at another answer. And they’re like, why are you there? I’m like, because this is where I think I should be, but I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. I’m like, well, yes, this is what I want to do it.
Heather [00:07:16]:
I wonder if it’s because I’m the same way. I’m the one person who will speak up or the one person who will disagree. And I like that about myself. But, yeah, I’m like, why is it the ADHD where we’re just like, hey, I don’t know, impulsive?
Alice Lovegood [00:07:31]:
Yeah, I think it is the neurodivergence, because I’m like, but I don’t understand why you would do.
Heather [00:07:39]:
I don’t know. Yeah. Anyways, it’s very cool that you’re using your gifts of being able to be bold and not being as afraid to stand out as maybe some people would be to help hundreds of thousands of people.
Alice Lovegood [00:07:54]:
So cool. Yeah. And I think as well, if you don’t take that risk, if you don’t do it, then you’re always going to think, what if? And people decide to be mad or frustrated or whatever you do, whatever message you do, whatever you say, whatever you wear, someone will be mad at you. So you may as well just do what you want.
Heather [00:08:21]:
I kind of want people listening to know, okay, you don’t have to be as brave as Alice and kind of put your sex life out there on Instagram, but you can be a little brave, and you can be a little brave in your sex life. So what would you say to someone who maybe doesn’t have that as one of their main gifts in life and gifts of their personality, but wants to be a little bit more brave?
Alice Lovegood [00:08:46]:
I think considering the worst case scenario. What is the worst case scenario? If you did the thing, that’s a little bit scary and is that that bad?
Heather [00:09:01]:
I like that.
Alice Lovegood [00:09:02]:
Yeah. I think, say you want to go to an event and wear something like, what’s the worst? Oh, somebody might say, oh, you look a bit weird. Is that that?
Heather [00:09:14]:
Which is also super rude and bold on their end?
Alice Lovegood [00:09:16]:
Yeah. I think we always blow it up to be so much worse. It’s a similar with me and my husband when we first started in polyamory. It was like, what is the worst case scenario? Well, you fall in love with someone else and you want to leave. Well, is actually being open not being open going to stop that from happening, if that’s going to happen or not really. It’s about weighing up the great question. Yeah. And actually considering it as almost like a scientific thing.
Alice Lovegood [00:09:54]:
What’s the risks? How can we reduce the risks? Is it worth the risk to take it?
Heather [00:10:01]:
Yeah. And I think you just brought up a really good point that I always mention to my clients, too. It’s like we get so caught up in the risk of taking a new step, whether it’s opening up your marriage or wearing an outfit that feels bold to you, like you said. But there’s also the risk of not taking it. We have this illusion sometimes that, well, if I just stay in my little comfort zone, there’s no risk. And for me, a lot of what I see working with couples is like, they don’t want to take the risk of telling their partner their fantasy or their kink. They’re just like, I’m just going to keep this in. It’s like, well, there’s also then the risk of you building up resentment because you’re not able to fully be yourself.
Heather [00:10:48]:
And there’s also, your partner is probably going to sense that you’re not being fully yourself, and that might actually lead to your sex life getting really stale. So just realizing that, quote, unquote, safe path is absolutely a risk, too.
Alice Lovegood [00:11:02]:
Yeah, 100%. I always talk about, as well, how when you think about growth in terms of, say, you wanted to get stronger. You’ve got to push yourself past the point of comfort to make the changes you need to make to have any growth. So you need to be in that kind of uncomfortable. Not to the point that if you lift something too heavy, you’re going to break your back, but if you lift something heavy enough, your body will adapt and change. And it’s exactly the same with our minds. You need to push yourself into that slightly uncomfortable zone so that you can make it a comfy zone.
Heather [00:11:41]:
Yeah. I think you should do more life coaching.
Alice Lovegood [00:11:47]:
Maybe when I feel like my life sorted.
Heather [00:11:52]:
Yeah. Because I think you just have so much wisdom to offer and part of me is like, how did you get so much wisdom when you’re only 28? I didn’t have that much wisdom at your age.
Alice Lovegood [00:12:02]:
Trauma. Such an honest answer.
Heather [00:12:11]:
I think that actually makes sense. But it’s trauma in doing the work. If there’s trauma and you don’t do the work, yeah, you’re probably not going to have a lot to offer people. But when you are brave and actually emotional bravery is like my favorite quality in humans, period. Which is part of why I love my work, too, because I also think that anyone coming to me has to be a little bit emotionally brave to be willing to look at things. So I just have so much respect for that, that you’re someone who does the work. So you’ve also mentioned the example of exercise, and I think that’s such a good example of getting out of the comfort zone. And I know you also had your own weight loss journey and you share a lot of body positive messages.
Heather [00:12:54]:
So how has that been an important part of your journey?
Alice Lovegood [00:12:58]:
I think, to be honest, the biggest thing. So I haven’t really talked about my weight loss journey much. So I had weight loss surgery because it was always like a battle and something I obsessed over. I was very much, like, addicted to food. I used it as an escape and then I would feel all this shame afterwards and it was just this horrible cycle. And having a surgery gave me the tool I needed to combat that. So it was never really about my weight, it was about my mind. And when that was taken away, I suddenly was just eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full and choosing.
Alice Lovegood [00:13:41]:
Sometimes I would eat a salad, sometimes I would eat pasta. Sometimes I would eat a chocolate bar. It wasn’t a thing anymore. I suddenly had all this time and energy to improve my life in so many other ways. And I just realized that my weight, not only is my weight the least interesting thing about me, I actually get really frustrated when someone’s like, you’ve lost small weight. What else have I done this week, actually? We spend so much time and effort obsessing over the way that we look that what music do you like to listen to? Or what do you love about yourself that you want to improve, or what’s your favorite walk to go on? There’s so much more to us, and it’s like, oh, hi. I lost two pounds this week because I ate less carbs. It’s boring.
Alice Lovegood [00:14:42]:
It’s boring. And I feel like society just spends so much time. It might be a bit conspiracy, but telling us to obsess over this so that we don’t notice all the other ways, all the other things that we could be doing. And that’s why it gave me more than anything else.
Heather [00:15:02]:
I love that. To me, that’s kind of a unique journey with weight loss surgery is like, it helped you give it less attention.
Alice Lovegood [00:15:10]:
Yeah. And just things like, I think because I felt better, I started wearing makeup or wearing nice clothes, and it wasn’t about the weight, it was about how I felt internally. I could have done that when I was bigger and it would have had the same impact. Wearing nice clothes and putting on makeup and feeling good and feeling confident made so much more of a difference than being smaller as such.
Heather [00:15:45]:
Yeah, I agree with you, and I think I’ve been a variety of sizes over the course of my life, but I agree with you where it’s like when you just put your best foot forward regardless of where you’re at now, it just makes a world of a difference. Or if you just put on an outfit that you’re like, I took some care in selecting this outfit and something I feel confident in that can change your mood in, like, a minute.
Alice Lovegood [00:16:08]:
Yeah. And I think as well, because I’ve still got loads of extra skin. And I did notice as I was losing weight, I was thinking of all these other things that, oh, well, this. And I think sometimes we tell ourselves, well, this is the reason I can’t be, it’s because I’m bigger, that I can’t be successful. It’s because I am not attractive or it’s because I’m not this, that I can’t be successful. And it stops us from doing 100% do because I could do that now. Oh, well, I’ve got loads of extra skin and I’ve got a mum time. Nobody will find me attractive.
Alice Lovegood [00:16:48]:
You can lose yourself in that negative critical thinking and you could change yourselves to the point of not being able to recognize you anymore, but you’ll still find something else that you don’t like.
Heather [00:16:59]:
Right. I agree with you, and I’ve seen that with my clients over the years. It’s like you could have somebody with a body that people would kill for. And she’s obsessing over three pounds for me. What I always found fascinating is you’re the same person that moment before you step on the scale and the moment after you see the number. But your story about yourself can be so different just based on that number. And I think it’s really important for us to realize nothing’s changed 1 second that you stepped on the scale. It’s just psychological.
Heather [00:17:34]:
So I love what you’re saying that it’s like, it’s not actually about the circumstance of what your body is like in that moment. It’s about what’s the story you have.
Alice Lovegood [00:17:42]:
Yeah, I think lots of people, because I do body confidence reels, like you said. Lots of people, they’re like, oh, my God. I didn’t realize you looked like that. You look like me. I thought you had all this success and all this because you had the perfect body, and then it’s like they finally have the evidence they need to see that it’s not their body.
Heather [00:18:08]:
No.
Alice Lovegood [00:18:09]:
And I’ve had so many people like, oh, my God, thank you so much. I feel like, actually, I can be sexy having this body. You’ve shown me that. And for some reason, I just presume that because of what you do, you must have a perfect body and just have had it. And you’re just lucky.
Heather [00:18:26]:
Yeah, that’s what I mean. You’re just very real about it, which is awesome.
Alice Lovegood [00:18:32]:
And loads of guys, because obviously I’m open and polyamorous and I’ve slept with. I don’t know, some of them are really hot guys. And I’m, like, a little bit shy. I’m like, oh, a little bit shy on my belly, because sometimes I think if I’m wearing something, you can’t see it. And they’re like, no, I like it. I like it.
Heather [00:18:54]:
Nice.
Alice Lovegood [00:18:55]:
It’s soft, and I love the patterns of stretch marks, and it’s beautiful. But we haven’t got that evidence to know that that’s true, because we’re taught that we should buy this cream and do this workout, and suddenly we’ll have a hot sex.
Heather [00:19:10]:
It’s so fucked up. It really divorces us from our bodies and puts us at ods when it’s just not necessary.
Alice Lovegood [00:19:18]:
No. And when you think about how you think about other people. I love softness. I love patterns. I love scars. I love stories. And seeing how the evidence of life is on someone’s body, it’s beautiful, but it’s very cool.
Heather [00:19:34]:
I think how you demonstrate loving and appreciating your body exactly how it is, and also that you don’t make it too big of a deal. It’s not like all of your content, and it’s not like this is the only thing not to criticize their accounts. But sometimes it’s like, okay, we get it. We’ve seen your body or whatever. But, yeah, I think to realize, yes, it’s important to love our bodies and demonstrate that, and there’s a lot more to life, like you were saying, and not to let that take up all of the mind space. So I think that’s just such an awesome message. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely.
Heather [00:20:11]:
I wanted to ask you more about shame and sexuality, too. That’s a big part of why I went into this field is because I feel like people, it’s like sex exists, like, in the dark corners of our psyche sometimes, and we don’t really want to talk about it openly. We don’t really want to look at it. We don’t really want to own some of the fantasies. And sometimes we’re disturbed by things that we’re into and let alone the idea of actually telling someone else about them. So I don’t know, have you had shame that you’ve worked through, or how do you suggest other people?
Alice Lovegood [00:20:50]:
I definitely have. I still struggle because one of my biggest kinks is fisting big insertions and being pushed past the point of comfort. And then I have this, like, oh, everyone’s going to think I’m loose and I won’t feel very good and nobody will want me. It’s still there like that. And even when people tell me, like, no, I like that. I like that about you. You’re really small and you can take a big thing. And I’m like, yeah, but be known as the big vagina.
Alice Lovegood [00:21:28]:
But then I.
Heather [00:21:29]:
They are elastic.
Alice Lovegood [00:21:31]:
They go back three babies. But I think a lot of. I’ve also realized that actually, the shame is part of the reason I like it. It’s the same for my partner. He’s very dominant, but sometimes he likes to switch. And when he’s submissive. There’s a lot of shame associated with submission in men sometimes. And the same for me.
Alice Lovegood [00:21:58]:
When I’m doing the biggest searches, it’s like that’s almost being made to do that, having no control over the thing you want, so suddenly you’re allowed to enjoy it because someone else is telling you that you need to do it.
Heather [00:22:14]:
That totally makes sense.
Alice Lovegood [00:22:15]:
So I think having talked to so many people now of kinks, shame is also highly related to their fantasies. Like, it’s part of the fantasy, which is kind of fun. But I just think in general, if you’re using shame as part of the enjoyment, then I think that’s fun. But if you’re using it to berate yourself or stop yourself from exploring things or berate other people for having same fantasies as you, and you don’t like that part of yourself, so you have to be horrible to them, then this is where shame is, like a negative thing.
Heather [00:22:53]:
Yeah, that totally makes sense. So kind of what I’m hearing is it’s like how you relate to the shame. So it’s not bad that the shame is there. It’s more like, can you embrace it and almost have fun with the shame? Or are you letting the shame stop you or make you feel bad about yourself?
Alice Lovegood [00:23:11]:
Yeah. And I just think in general, humans, we’ve not been taught how to feel. So whenever we feel something that’s associated as a negative feeling, we just run or presume that we shouldn’t be doing a thing that’s making us feel like that. I had a conversation with someone recently that I have a connection with, and they were asking about jealousy. And if I get jealous, and I was like, well, yeah, but that’s fine. I don’t mind. Doesn’t mean you need to alter your behavior or mean that I want anything to change. It just means that I have a good feeling.
Alice Lovegood [00:23:54]:
And then when there’s a negative feeling that comes with that good feeling, and I can feel that. That’s fine, but that’s what people are like. What?
Heather [00:24:04]:
Well, I know. I think that is going to be the reaction of listeners is like, what do you mean? Like shame and jealousy are just okay to feel. Yes, that is what she means.
Alice Lovegood [00:24:17]:
Even when I’ve had times with my partner, like during a freesome, and I’ve got a little bit jealous, I shared this as a real. And people were like, well, that means you shouldn’t be open. And I was like, no, I just felt a little bit jealous. And then we had, like, reclamation sex and cuddles after, and then I didn’t feel jealous anymore.
Heather [00:24:39]:
Wow. It was like, look what happens when you just accept your feelings and feel them. They pass.
Alice Lovegood [00:24:44]:
Yeah, exactly.
Heather [00:24:48]:
I explain that to my clients all the time, and I kind of do this little hand puppetry thing where I’m like, here comes the emotion. It’s coming. And then it’s like, when you’re resisting it, it actually keeps it stuck longer. And when you just let it pass, it’s like, ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh, it’s gone.
Alice Lovegood [00:25:03]:
Yeah. Like, if you’re sad, howl and cry for a bit, and then you’ll be.
Heather [00:25:07]:
All, yeah, it’s okay to have the emotion.
Alice Lovegood [00:25:11]:
Yeah, it’s okay. It’s not okay to then push that emotion on the person that has raised that feeling up, but it’s okay to feel it.
Heather [00:25:24]:
It is okay to feel it. And I think when we feel it with acceptance, like, what you’re describing, it’s so healthy. But when we feel it and we kind of have this story in our head that’s really negative and we’re really holding on to this negative story, that’s what can keep it stuck, too. So just like, okay, I’m having an emotion. This is normal. This is a human thing. I’m going to just feel it. I would love for more people to be able to do that.
Heather [00:25:49]:
I think the world would be, like, a drastically better place if people could just identify and feel their feelings like that. So that’s awesome that you can do that. And I think it’s something you do have to work on. So it sounds like you’ve probably worked on your capacity to kind of hold those big emotions that don’t always feel great in the moment 100%.
Alice Lovegood [00:26:11]:
And how to comfort them. And actually, kink has been a big part of that. Cool.
Heather [00:26:17]:
I want to hear more about that.
Alice Lovegood [00:26:19]:
Yeah. So if I’m feeling really overwhelmed, then we can use kink. It doesn’t even have to be sexual, but impact or wax or ice or to be out of here and in my body instead. That makes a huge difference. Or, oh, well, I feel like I need connection and someone to feel with me. Well, let’s have a massage or have a bath.
Heather [00:26:46]:
Nice.
Alice Lovegood [00:26:47]:
Or even, like, I don’t want to be big. I don’t want to be an adult, and I don’t want to have adult feelings today. So I’m going to have a big cuddly bear and a dummy, and I’m going to be a baby, because today I don’t want to be an adult. That’s okay. You can compartmentalize, or you can use it to process, or you can use it to feel, or even, like, say, me and my partner are really struggling with some anger. Then we could have really primal sex and growl and bite each other, and then we’re like, oh, I feel better now.
Heather [00:27:26]:
Yeah, I think you just said so many good things there. So one, being in your body is so essential for processing an emotion so that it doesn’t get stuck within you. Personally, I believe when we don’t process feelings, I think they create disease in our bodies and kind of get lodged in there. So, yeah, processing them and getting them out, I think, is really important. And what you’re saying also really fits well with internal family systems, which is like the modality of therapy that I usually do with people. And it’s like we have these different parts. So you have a little part. I have a little part as well that I’ve mentioned on other shows, but, okay, let’s give space for that part to express herself.
Heather [00:28:11]:
Or there’s a part that you said is, like, animalistic or angry or whatever. Okay, let’s allow that part. Let’s give that part a space to express itself. And I love that kink can provide that, and that our safe sexual connections with trusted partners can be those outlets. I know a lot of times people worry, hey, is some of this kink stuff healthy, or am I kind of like, reenacting trauma? Am I going to retraumatize myself? How do you know where that line is?
Alice Lovegood [00:28:45]:
You don’t always. I think it’s about being aware of the potential for triggers and things that can happen, doing it with someone that you really trust. And sometimes it depends, because I’ve had moments where that has happened, because we do CNC play quite a lot. It’s something that we really enjoy. But there has been times where I’ve been retriggered, and it’s been a lot, but actually that’s been.
Heather [00:29:23]:
Can you explain to people what CNC is? I don’t know if everyone’s going to know.
Alice Lovegood [00:29:26]:
Consensual, non consensual. So sometimes my partner will be like, run. And I run away, and he’ll be.
Heather [00:29:36]:
Like the predator or the attacker or something. But it’s like a pre agreed upon thing.
Alice Lovegood [00:29:41]:
Yeah. And we have safe words and we have all unsafe actions. Like, if I can’t love it, but there has been times where I’ve just suddenly been stopped. Stopped and cried. But actually, that’s been really healthy for me, because then he can then provide the comfort and a reassurance and the care that I didn’t get when it was not consensual. Some people just like it. You don’t have to have had trauma for it. But for some people, it is really therapeutic because you are recreating it in a way that you have full control.
Heather [00:30:22]:
Absolutely. I agree with you.
Alice Lovegood [00:30:25]:
Yeah. And I get really frustrated as well that people get so, like, oh, well, he must be a rapist if he likes.
Heather [00:30:32]:
And it’s like, gosh, you see?
Alice Lovegood [00:30:34]:
Do you tell everyone playing on a computer game shooting that they’re a murderer? No, because they’re not. We are perfectly capable as adults of telling a difference between a reality and a non reality. Like, we’re watching the most messed up scary films with sick clowns that murder children. And people enjoy that because they enjoy the frill and the feeling in their body. Just because someone enjoys the hunt and the chase and a game, right. Doesn’t mean that they enjoy the reality. Like, why can we separate that with so many other things? But when it comes to this, they can’t separate it.
Heather [00:31:16]:
That’s their issue.
Alice Lovegood [00:31:18]:
Yeah. So annoying.
Heather [00:31:21]:
And I think it is because sex exists mostly in the shadows. Still, obviously, people listening here are not fully in the shadows. So thank you all for listening. But I think most people are, and they’re just uncomfortable. And it’s like a part of themselves that they don’t accept. And I also think sex is so different to our normal waking life. There’s so many parts of ourselves that we can express in our sex lives that we kind of can’t express in polite society or whatever. And so I think people are sometimes just uncomfortable with that.
Heather [00:31:54]:
I’m so used to keeping this part buried inside. Feels scary to let it out.
Alice Lovegood [00:31:58]:
Yeah. But I do think we need to learn as humans, abstract in reality are things that we can tell the difference between. I did a reel the other day about the kinks that cartoons would have, and some people lost their minds.
Heather [00:32:18]:
Yeah.
Alice Lovegood [00:32:18]:
Because it’s just, like, fun. Winnie, who definitely likes it. We’re messy. People lost their minds because I did like Jasmine from Disney, and they were like, you’re sexualizing a child. And I was like, well, for one, I’m not. I’m sexualizing a cartoon, which could be any age that we give her.
Heather [00:32:44]:
Right.
Alice Lovegood [00:32:45]:
Two, I actually didn’t realize that Disney made her 15 and three.
Heather [00:32:51]:
Right.
Alice Lovegood [00:32:51]:
The issue is Disney making her 15. She’s, like, doing the sexy dance of, like, a 40 year old Jafar. Of course, I thought she was old enough.
Heather [00:33:04]:
Great point. But she’s a mixed messages out there.
Alice Lovegood [00:33:07]:
She’s a cartoon. She’s a cartoon, not a child. There’s a difference.
Heather [00:33:14]:
Yeah. Yes, there’s a big difference. And, I mean, there’s also. We put sexy models on magazines who are like 15 half naked. It’s like, it is a mixed message. I don’t think we have our head on straight with that as a society at all. But, yeah, I’d love to ask you a little bit more about the neurodiversity thing, and that’s something that you incorporate into your content as well. And I think so many people identify with that.
Heather [00:33:45]:
Do you feel like there’s any kind of unique, I don’t know, unique considerations when it comes to your sex life, if you are neurodivergent?
Alice Lovegood [00:33:53]:
The thing is, I think it’s kind of hard because I’ve lived my whole life as a neurodivergent without, obviously, I’ve only just realized the last few years, I was like, oh, my entire personality is neurodivergence. You? Yeah, it makes sense. It all makes sense. So it would be difficult for me to say, I don’t understand what a normal person or a typical person, what it would be like for them. But I think it’s important to just be aware of your neurodivergence and your needs. There’s obviously the basic stuff, like, if you’re restricted, is that going to bother you? How can you be restricted? Like, what textures? And then definitely with things like rejection, I’m finding that’s really difficult to kind of navigate with polyamory because I’m just so loving and affectionate and open to people, and I just want everyone to love me, and I want to love everyone, and I get really excited, and then all of a sudden, I’m vulnerable to people, and I might even accidentally read a level of rejection when it’s not there and then get upset. I have, like, what’s it called? Disorganized attachment style. So I’m trying to be super aware of that, where if someone puts a boundary in place, I don’t be like, they hate me and push them back away.
Alice Lovegood [00:35:40]:
Those things are definitely. But that’s just in life in general. You should do that work. But, yeah, if you’re opening yourself up and being vulnerable with people and sharing experiences with them that you find really are scary or a lot, then make sure you’re picking people that are willing to understand your neurodivergence and your needs for your neurodivergence. For me, I need check ins a couple of days later, have a chat. I need to feel cared for. I need to feel like I matter to them. And I wasn’t just, and I need to feel like if something crops up or triggered, then I need to be able to talk to the person about that.
Alice Lovegood [00:36:28]:
So those things have those conversations before.
Heather [00:36:32]:
You play with people, which actually sounds very secure, securely attached. So if you’re not already, you sound like you’re very much moving in that direction of earned secure attachment. And I do have an attachment episode. So for anyone who’s like, what’s going on with this attachment conversation? I will link to that in the show notes. But I do think attachment is hugely important, too. And just to be mature, like, you’re having some mature adult conversations with people before becoming intimate with them. And that’s another thing that’s been interesting to me where I feel like, of course I’m going to have a conversation with people before having sex with them for the first time, especially. But even if you’re trying something different or just, hey, what do we want to do this time? And I talk about stis.
Heather [00:37:21]:
I talk about, what are we okay with? And it’s interesting. Even some of my friends are kind of like, you actually talk to people about using protection and stis. And I was like, is this unusual? And I think it maybe kind of is.
Alice Lovegood [00:37:37]:
Yeah, definitely. I’ve had conversations with people where I remember this one where I was at a party and this guy was like, oh, I just stick it in, as in her back door. He’s like, that’s what they want. That’s what they love. I see all the time on porn. I was like, you have to ask. I think people don’t. You need lube and prep.
Alice Lovegood [00:38:09]:
I think people think that they want to look like they know what they’re doing, and they’re afraid by asking their questions, they’re going to look like they don’t.
Heather [00:38:17]:
Oh, that’s so interesting.
Alice Lovegood [00:38:18]:
And also how to make it sexy. It’s not hard to. I remember my first threesome situation, which was the first time I met them as a couple and wasn’t planned, and we had all had a drink. I was at a party. But even in that situation where we hadn’t had any conversations, we had those conversations while we were playing. Like, what do you like? Is this okay? He did some spanking. He was like, let me just check how hard. It’s okay.
Alice Lovegood [00:38:52]:
What’s your safe? Even when we first tried, he pinned me against the wall and was like, what’s your safe words like, that’s hot. You can ask the questions and make it sexy.
Heather [00:39:01]:
100%.
Alice Lovegood [00:39:03]:
Yeah. So people shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions.
Heather [00:39:09]:
Absolutely. And I think bringing up that idea that it can be hot. Yeah. It’s like someone pinning you against the wall and asking you or someone saying, I want to do so many dirty things to you, but I need to know what your boundaries are. It’s okay. And it’s also okay to have a separate conversation where you’re just like, have you been tested recently? And are you comfortable using condoms and whatever it is? And then maybe you go to dinner and chat, and then you can be relaxed once you get sexual. So there’s different ways to approach it. But I think it’s a self care thing.
Heather [00:39:42]:
It’s kind of like, are you willing to show up for yourself and have those mature conversations, even if you feel a little bit uncomfortable? And obviously, with practice, you’re going to get better at it and be able to make it more sexy. But I also think let’s embrace some awkwardness, too. To me, awkwardness is kind of part of intimacy. And even people who are really comfortable with sex and talk about it a lot and have tried different things, sometimes it’s going to be awkward.
Alice Lovegood [00:40:11]:
Yeah.
Heather [00:40:14]:
That’S my two cent. Yeah, I kind of feel like it’s fine. And if you can get through that, maybe you discover, oh, that wasn’t for us. We tried that and that was not our thing. And that’s okay. Or we had this conversation and we’re going to do it differently next time because that was a little bit od. But when you know that you have a safe enough relationship with someone to get through some awkwardness, I also think that that can build security.
Alice Lovegood [00:40:36]:
Oh, 100%.
Heather [00:40:40]:
So I would love for people to know, where can they find you? So if they’re like, hey, this Alice person’s pretty cool. She’s got some good things to say. Where can they find you?
Alice Lovegood [00:40:52]:
So my Instagram is, I need to change it. I feel like it’s too hard to find. It’s betterfx blog or Alice Lovegood. If you search Alice Lovegood, you’ll find me.
Heather [00:41:03]:
Okay.
Alice Lovegood [00:41:04]:
I’m on Instagram. I’m starting the YouTube. How old was that? That’s like my dad. Are you on the YouTube?
Heather [00:41:12]:
The YouTube?
Alice Lovegood [00:41:16]:
The YouTube. And I do only fans. So where I mix kind of like education and sexiness in one nice. And just provide kind of like authentic, real content. So if you don’t want to watch a video about how to give a good blow job because you can’t be bothered, then you can watch a blow job while I tell you how to know.
Heather [00:41:39]:
Oh, that’s smart.
Alice Lovegood [00:41:41]:
Yeah. And it works especially for men because they can’t be bothered. So make it horny. And they’re in there.
Heather [00:41:50]:
You’re very clever, Alice. Very clever.
Alice Lovegood [00:41:54]:
It’s just like authentic. I did one recently where we had sex and my husband, he just couldn’t come. We tried lots of different things and he couldn’t. And I just posted it anyway. So many were people like, I thought it was only me that couldn’t.
Heather [00:42:12]:
Wow.
Alice Lovegood [00:42:12]:
Yeah. So, yeah, it’s just authentic content and a bit of education in there too, the YouTube.
Heather [00:42:25]:
So I will link in the show notes to all of Alice’s content where you can find her as well. But thank you so much for being here. It was really delightful to have you and I’m glad we got to cover a wide variety of topics, so hopefully we’ll have you back someday.
Alice Lovegood [00:42:40]:
Yeah. Thank you for having me. A very adhd conversation, wasn’t it?
Heather [00:42:47]:
We like to keep it neurospicy over here.
Alice Lovegood [00:42:50]:
I love it. All my best friends, neurodivergent. You can see us, we’re in packs now.
Heather [00:42:55]:
That’s right. It seems like some of the circles I’m in because I also hang out with other entrepreneurs. They’re all.
Alice Lovegood [00:43:06]:
Thank you, everyone.
Heather [00:43:07]:
Thank you for listening. This has been a neurodivergent episode with Alice Lovegood. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at Heathershannon Co. Dirtytalk. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co. Dirtytalk.
Heather [00:43:38]:
And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist.
