Can Kinky Sex be Loving?

Speaker 1 [00:00:02] Hey, guys, this is Heather Shannon, sex and relationship therapist, and recently somebody close to me mentioned that she didn’t think that kinky sex could be loving sex. And so I thought this would be a great opportunity to do sort of a myth-busting video on kink and BDSM. So let’s start with what is loving sex. I would argue the really simple answer to this is sex with someone that you love and care about, whether that is vanilla sex or kinky sex. I’m wondering, though, if this question maybe had a hidden meaning of, you know, soft or tender or sensual, maybe that’s what we tend to think of when we consider loving sex. And I guess I would first say that certainly not all vanilla sex is soft or tender or sensual and that way. And yet I don’t know that we would question vanilla sex as a whole as not being loving sex. And I would also say certainly not all kink and BDSM sex excludes softness, tenderness, sensuality at all. In fact, I think there’s a lot of sensation play, you know, experiencing our senses in different ways and that there can be, you know, soft caresses or can be sweet words in pet play or age play or other role plays or even in a rope or other type of bondage scene, because, you know, sex and kink is inclusive and there’s an infinite array of what can happen. So I think it’s important, though, that we just don’t assume that, you know, kinky sex is only violent and aggressive and coming from a mean or angry place or it’s dark or twisted. Maybe it is sometimes for some people and in a way that they find enjoyable. But that still doesn’t preclude it from being loving or even soft and tender. And then another hidden meaning that I’m wondering about in this question is, do we really mean vulnerable when we’re talking about loving sex, that we can bring our whole selves to the table and that we’re sharing parts of ourselves that don’t normally come out and that we don’t bring out with just anybody. And so in that case, I would say that kink and BDSM absolutely meet that criteria, because not only are these parts that don’t normally get to come out, but I would say it takes even that much more courage and that much more vulnerability because of some of the existing stigma around kink and BDSM activities. So especially with a new partner, you know, if you’re kind of like, I don’t know who this person is going to react or should I try these things or should I bring them up and see if they’re accepting? There’s a lot of vulnerability present there. So I think it’s important that we don’t participate in that stigmatizing that, you know, oh, this is just like some weird thing or this is just like a novelty, but that for some partners that it might actually just be like a core part of who they are and how they operate and their erotic blueprint. So keep coming with your questions regarding can be the same and sex therapy in general. And I’ll see you guys soon.