Are you Monogamous or Polyamorous? Pt. 2

Are you Monogamous or Polyamorous_ Pt. 2.mp4

Speaker 1 [00:00:01] I think all of this starts whether you’re monogamous or poly, relationship with self-discovery, self-love assessment, yes, you have to be very confident who you are in order to put yourself out there. And you could. It’s true in a monogamous, monogamous relationship or poly, the big difference is that any flaws in your personality, any issues that have been messing your relationship up in the past are quickly exposed when you are with multiple partners. So if you have natural jealousy, jealousy is going to happen no matter what relationship.

Speaker 2 [00:00:44] Absolutely. If you ask me, though.

Speaker 1 [00:00:47] Yeah, exactly. And being poly doesn’t mean you don’t feel jealous. It’s I don’t know if it’s the opposite, but it’s you have to confront it more and because you hopefully have the tools necessary to deal with it. It’s less than and we can explore that a little bit more if you wish.

Speaker 2 [00:01:07] So can you give an example, maybe one tool. You’ve actually told me one. Yeah. Yeah. You used to get past that will jealousy or after that.

Speaker 1 [00:01:16] So I’m very confident individual. I know what I bring to the table. And to some degree, I’m still surprised if my partners are doing something with something else and I’m surprised how I react. There’s a level of jealousy, but I call it possessiveness, possessiveness, where there really is a feeling of, hey, that’s my duty. And that’s obviously not cool because I signed up with being poly and I absolutely do not want to limit my partners. It’s a choice I’ve made where if I’m asking them to be poly with me, I kind of have to be poly with them and support their decision to see someone else. So one of the things I have done to develop coping tools or coping tools. Yes, yes. Is to tell them how I’m feeling. It’s not intended to be manipulative. It’s not intended for them to do anything. We just need to listen. And I will say something equivalent to I feel possessive. I feel, you know, a little bit of jealousy that you’re going out with X, Y or Z or all three. And just by making that known, I feel better. I think on some level I like partners, feel they know I care enough to be a little bit possessive. And I think that’s a level of security and comfort knowing that, yes, he still cares enough what I do. And it’s no level of complacency there and it seems to work for me.

Speaker 2 [00:02:58] And then one thing you told me, too, is like when it’s reversed in your partner maybe has a moment where they feel insecure, that you really focus on, like what does truly make that relationship unique from other relationships. And let me remind that person every now here’s what’s special about you and about our connection.

Speaker 1 [00:03:15] Yeah. I don’t think it’s as conscious as that because it sounds a little manipulative. No, I’m just saying go. Yeah, I’m with my partners for specific reasons. Not that they want pigeonhole, but each one of them enhances my life. If they didn’t enhance my life, they wouldn’t be with me. There’s no two ways people either enhance or take away from your existence. And I am very proactive in reminding them in some capacity how important they are to me. And I never did that when I was in a monogamous relationship. Not not as frequently, you know, you get from Valentine’s Day birthday Christmas, you know. You mean you see him once in a while and go, hey, you do appreciate you. What if it was not a very conscious thing? I have discovered that because they know I’m going out on a date, they’re going to feel some level of possessiveness. And it’s not necessarily at that time. But I always mean every interaction with them know that. I do appreciate

Speaker 2 [00:04:25] that in my life. Yes. And thank you for sharing these tools. And I think I mean, I guess people you need to do these tools. So, I mean, it’s interesting talking and it’s like there’s definitely a difference, like what is the lifestyle, what is the relationship dynamic? But like the skills and the communication, I think are ultimately the same. I think poly requires more that you have a higher skill level to really do it. Well, I feel like monogamy. Sometimes people get away with like you just never really talk about like how are redefining or monogamy or if, you know, you can dance with others. People are if you can flirt with other people or, you know, where exactly is that line, people just kind of assume and it’s understood, but yeah, bring it bring the communication up a level, make things conscious. And that’s one of the things I see with my clients, too, is like we’re just a little afraid to have the conversations and be direct, but like that’s where the gold is. Basically, it’s like when you can be a little vulnerable and like a little brave and have the conversations, like that’s how you deepen the relationship, that’s how you make it stronger.

Speaker 1 [00:05:35] So I don’t know if you covered what you feel are the benefits of being monogamous are.

Speaker 2 [00:05:40] Oh, good point. So for me, it is that feeling of security. So when I’m seeing someone and they’re going on all these dates with other people and I feel like I don’t have access to that, maybe what I need to, that’s actually part of why the open relationship ended is there was a moment where it’s like I didn’t know this person was going on a date. And we normally talked at night and I was just like, I know this is not what I want. And there was a different dating situation prior to that one I had that was also open. And it was a similar feeling where he would be out on dates with other people. And I was just not really OK with it. Like, I kind of like don’t know how to describe. I feel like I’m not describing it very well, but

Speaker 1 [00:06:23] dating as well.

Speaker 2 [00:06:24] So, yeah, the first guy I tried it with, I was also seeing someone else and he wasn’t at first. So basically it’s like, you know, I was having my cake and eating it too. And so it was like it was a one-sided open thing. And then I kind of swapped. I stopped seeing that guy and he started dating more. And I was like, oh, this is uncomfortable. And so I think, like Peter said, you know, it’s like you don’t get to really have it both ways. Typically, I’m sure there are arrangements like that that do work for people. But that was not the case. And then in the next open relationship, I felt like I didn’t really want to like I thought, OK, he’s dating other people. I got to as well. Maybe once I start doing that, I’ll kind of be like, oh, here are some perks for me. And like, yeah, this is cool. And instead I was like, I don’t even really want me going on this date. Like, I just really like this person that I’m dating. Like, why am I doing this? I feel like I have to like that seems dumb. So for me it was just like I just really like this person. I just want to keep spending all my time with them. So it was just kind of this natural instinct thing, see.

Speaker 1 [00:07:31] Yeah, that’s foreign to me.

Speaker 2 [00:07:35] But like like that’s what I think is so cool about this. Like, my whole goal in like working with my clients is like it’s not one size fits all, you know, it’s like do what works for you and give yourself the space to explore until it does become clear, you know? So like I said, I had to try open with a couple of people before it became clear that, OK, it’s not just this person, it’s not just this one not being a good communicator. It’s just, you know, it’s just not for me, you know? So sometimes we got to accept that it’s part of me. Like I think I’ve said, I’m like I could be polyamorous in theory, but, like, that totally makes sense to me. But, like, you could love multiple people and you could just kind of not be jealous and you can kind of just rise above it and like, just have this, you know, like this hippie free love idea. In my mind, it just seems so beautiful. And then when I kind of even approached it, I was like, oh, this is my turn you out. Yeah. So, yeah. Thank you for asking that.

Speaker 1 [00:08:31] Yeah. I and you know, obviously I mentioned that it energizes me, but one of the things I had to honestly determine was how many partners was appropriate for me. Yeah. Because after a certain point it’s just ego where you’re just collecting people and that doesn’t do anyone any good. And for a long time I thought two partners maximum

Speaker 2 [00:09:00] was all like you did. I remember we talked about that.

Speaker 1 [00:09:02] And as I became more conscious of what my needs are and how to communicate them and how to enhance my life, I determined that a third partner is something that I could do while still maintaining the original two relationships and still fulfilling my third partner’s life as well. And it’s really easy to collect people. And I think that’s really wrong because now you are looking at things from an egocentric point of view and you’re going to hurt people and that’s really not the point. But if you’re looking on how you can improve other’s lives and how much capacity you have and apparently grows. Yeah, yeah. So you want to keep that in mind, you know, really consciously think how many individuals can you have in your life while maintaining the integrity and all of them. And that includes. Yeah, we still have to work with your family. We’re your friends. You really need to look at your life as a whole and see how you can manage all these different roles that you play.

Speaker 2 [00:10:13] Yeah, I totally agree with that. And also, what are your partner’s needs? You know, some people are kind of like, hey, I have another primary partner. I don’t need, like, all that much in personal time, but this is what I need from you. Other people might need more. And so I’m guessing it also just depends on, like, what works for them as well.

Speaker 1 [00:10:33] Absolutely. That’s where the negotiation comes in.

Speaker 2 [00:10:35] Yes. Lots of negotiating. So, yeah. Anything else you want to bring up before we wrap it up?

Speaker 1 [00:10:42] No, that’s it for now.

Speaker 2 [00:10:43] OK, so thanks for listening. We are going to record another video for you guys, so stay tuned and check that one out and we will talk to you again soon.